be cheerful

‘The Lonely Only Mouse’ is a book I got in my childhood and still own.
In essence, the story of ‘The Lonely Only Mouse’ centers on Theolonius, a mouse who would really love a brother or sister to play with because, as an only child with busy parents, he feels pretty lonely. He asks many creatures to be his brother or sister and all of them refuse which makes poor Theolonius feel even more lonely! Then one day Theolonius’ cousin, Charlie, comes to stay and Theolonius is very excited because it will be just like having a brother. Theolonius is super selfless during Charlie’s stay even though Charlie is a bit of a dick to him. When Charlie leaves, Theolonius realises that actually he quite prefers his own company.

Recently I have been thinking about this story a lot because it explains my situation quite well. I’m lonely and I’d like a friend. Nobody wants to be my friend. Suddenly someone spends time with me and they aren’t as nice as I expected and I realise that I’d rather chill on my own then have them as a friend.
But sometimes, like Theolonius, I do feel like a lonely, only mouse.

I’ve been slacking with lots of things recently and I can’t really figure out why. I’ve felt really down and worried I guess. I go back to college tomorrow so I really have to step up my game. I have to finish off my coursework which isn’t like, a huge deal but I really want to get that done today. I need to sort out revision stuff ready to throw myself into revising in a couple of weeks. If I’m honest my teachers really need to accept a bit of blame here for not preparing us very well. Exams are in two months!!!!
I need to finish off the final touches in my bedroom, I have to continue looking for jobs, I have to keep earning money as I currently am doing. It’s a lot of pressure but it’s going to be okay.
I’ve worried myself out now and all I can do is focus on the future and for stuff to be okay.
I don’t know if I’l be okay.
I don’t know if things are going to be okay.
I can only hope.

As you may or may not know, Windows Live Messenger is retiring on Monday to be replaced by the cooler, younger Skype. Not everyone however, is a fan of this change and many of us feel bullied into being Skype users.
I, as one of these people, have written a blog post about the retirement of WLM and what to do when it happens. I included comparrisons between WLM and other programmes such as gtalk, Yahoo! Messenger and of course, the dreaded Skype.
I also included a comparison and walk-through explanation/demonstration of my current favourite WLM replacement, Trillian.

Feel free to check it out by clicking here if you are a WLM user or are interested in really boring and stupid reviews of things.
This is my first time, be gentle.

As my search for work is drawing nearer I have been scoring clothing websites for interview and work suitable clothing (as I have literally none- I live in jeans) and the whole ‘plus sized’ thing really caught my attention.
I really have to commend clothing companies for their plus sized clothing. Over the past few years and even months it’s come a long way from being frumpy, floaty tunic type dresses and over-large tops. Now plus sized ladies can wear tight, form-fitting, sexy dresses and flattering dresses. It is no longer about hiding your body but showing it off. Of course the over-sized hidey clothes still exist but at least now there are options.
At this point I’d like to point out that being ‘fat’ is conceptual.
Technically I am ‘plus sized’. Though according to these clothing companies, I am not. Plus sized clothing starts at a size or two bigger than my size which means I am left with two options: clothes in the right size that are not cut to flatter my shape or clothes too big that are cut to flatter my shape. ‘Normal’ clothing is cut the same. A size 16 will be cut the same as a size 6. And as is pretty obvious, a size 16 body will not work in the same way as a size 6.
I do not understand why ‘plus sized’ clothing does not start at the same size as a ‘plus sized’ body (which I believe is a size 12 and up, though it does depend). I know that bodies are all different and body shapes vary massively even at the same weight and dress size but surely it is logic to make ‘plus sized’ clothes starting at the same size a ‘plus sized’ body starts at?

On another, related note, I have noticed that a lot of ‘plus sized bloggers’ have been in the news rocking their plus sized selves. I found this a really positive thing as I’d love tips and tricks to help dress myself. However I was sorely disappointed. I was inspired by the main star of this ‘plus sized revolution’ and decided to check her out. She has a couple of blogs where she posts about her experiences as a plus sized lady though lately it’s mostly been about modelling and being sent free clothes from plus sized clothing lines and other such stuff. That sort of lifestyle is unattainable by the likes of you and I. I has a look at the clothing she got from clothing lines and found it at prices exceeding £50. I don’t know about you but I don’t have £50 to throw away on a cardigan. That was the first irritation.
This young lady appears to have an extreme hourglass body. And I mean extreme. To the point where people are drooling over her mumbling about ‘the perfect body’. That’s the body that booked her this plus sized fame. Crazy curves that I wish I had.
Turns out I could have them, if I had the money. her perfect body is a combination of natural curves, shapewear (I’m talking the boob to knee kind) and corsets. Now I personally don’t have a problem with this, at all. Good for her, accentuating her natural thaanng. What I have a problem with is that it gives other plus sized girls false ideals of how their body should look in clothes and how clothes will look on us. It’s just going to lead to so much disappointment and even more aggravation than before. She should be promoting loving being plus sized and she should be flaunting how wonderful clothes look on a plus sized body but she should be doing it in a way that the average plus sized girl can relate to- minus the shapewear and the corsets and the editing.

I am still incredibly lost in the world of fashion.
There aren’t clothes out there for me that I have found yet. I have yet to see a mainstream plus sized model actually representing an everyday plus sized girl (the ones who can’t afford 101 pieces of shapewear and 90 different corsets).
I know this all seems incredibly shallow but I can’t walk around naked. I want finding clothes to be as easy and stress free as possible for everyone, no matter their size or shape. Being comfortable with how you look and how your clothes look and feel is important more than just aesthetically.

How is everything so different while it’s all made of the same shit.
Even the fact that this lump of gooey wet tissue shit in your head can make you think and feel and do and dream and learn and have memories and stuff.
How is that possible?
I literally cannot comprehend anything right now.
Something’s up here.

Last night I broke down in fits of panic attacks and tears and sobs and all manners of horrid things and poor Jamie had to deal with it all and I feel really fucking bad about it. I’ve been worrying about so much recently and had no idea how to cope with it all in my head which basically just meant an emotional explosion was long overdue.
As much as I do feel really bad for putting Jamie though that and for giving myself far too little sleep, my emotional explosion yesterday was helpful. I managed to get all of the bad feelings out of my system and I have someone who knows and understands how I feel. Getting all of the bad stuff out meant that the good stuff could get in and I woke up feeling lighter and today those things didn’t bother me. For the first time in ages.
They slowly started to creep back into my thought, though not negatively, when I was coming home and I tried to keep positive about it all. I developed positive solutions to the problems that were threatening to panic me and calmed myself down. I looked at the bigger pictures instead of focusing on just the scary near future and it worked. I didn’t panic or feel bad.
Though as it got later and later I did start to feel a little bit of a panic coming on so I decided to research the thing I was worried about. It was a bit of a risk as it could have sent me into something even worse but in fact it had the opposite result. I found things out and, awesomely, thing are even better than I expected. The more I looked into these things the less scared I became and the lighter I felt and I just could relax. I understand that there will still be issues and not everything is solved. I still have stuff to worry about. Just not as much now and I can focus on positive happy things.
I can finally see that it will be okay.

When I started school I didn’t have much potential. I couldn’t walk properly or colour inside the lines. It took a few years for me to stop being a ‘no hoper’ and actually have potential. And I literally went from nothing to everything. I could read and write and sing and act and do science and maths and play a musical instrument. I was gifted and talented for English and my science projects were phenomenal. I progressed and learned and grew and only got better and better. When I hit middle school I was in top set for everything and I could do anything. Then I moved middle schools and I got into public speaking, something I was good at. I won awards with my team and I got confidence. I found I was good at science and history and, even more so, English, again being sent off to the weird house thing to do gifted and talented creative writing. I got the best SATs grade on the island. Then I moved to high school and started my GCSEs a year early. I had meetings about A levels and my future and I was one of the top students getting high grades and charming all the teachers. I was destined for high grade A levels and Russell group universities. I came out with 18 GCSEs overall. But I met a certain person and things went downhill for me. I wasn’t allowed to have potential or spark. I wasn’t allowed to go to university so why would I do well in my A levels. Why should I be doing them in the first place?
When I had my interview for my current sixth form my potential showed itself again. There were issues later on and the head of the sixth form hates me but I had people fighting for me. That gave me confidence. I’m not going to write about my time at my sixth form, there are two goals with loads of entries dedicated to that shit.
But now I am here, nearing the end of my A levels and not going to university. I don’t know if I ever will.
I am doing better than ever though. My grades are up, my motivation is up but… I still don’t feel I have any potential.
Everyone around me has all these prospects and uni and goals and wishes. I don’t.
I mean, admittedly and through nobody’s fault, I can’t afford to go to university not money wise but, everything else wise. I simply can’t go. I’m not ready for one thing. I don’t want to go yet.
Even though I know that it’s not anyone’s fault including mine I just don’t believe in myself. I don’t feel full of potential and goals and wishes.
I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to do anything impressive or great or pride-worthy.

This has been a pointless rant about myself. Narcissism at it’s finest.

1. I feel I have genuinely done something wrong.
2. I feel I have made you feel bad things.
3. I guess you could say it’s been programmed into me. Nearly two years of ‘programming’ and it sort of becomes a bit of a habit to say sorry for everything.
4. I want to make things better and I don’t know how else to.
5. Sometimes I’m not just saying sorry for your benefit but also for mine. I’m selfish and I don’t like feeling bad and saying sorry makes me feel a bit better. I’m saying sorry to you to make both of us feel better.

I’m sure there are more reasons but I’m either not articulate enough to explain them or I just can’t think of them right now.
My apologies are always sincere even if there are a lot of them. Just as every time I say ‘I love you’ I mean it even if I say it loads.
I just hope people can try and understand that I know it annoys them and I don’t like how it almost controls me and I know it’s an unwanted reminder from my past and I am trying to stop saying sorry so much; trying to see that there’s no reason for being sorry. But it’s hard.

It’s the one thing in a film that’s truly made me cry. I’m a huge Potter fan but nothing in the films made me cry before that. Nothing in any film made me cry either, not out of sadness. But after Dobby died in Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 I was sobbing in the cinema so hard that people gave me dirty looks.
I put it down to the fact that Dobby is one of my favourites if not my favourite character. He’s adorable and he saves them all; without Dobby, Voldemort would’ve got there and killed Harry and fucked the whole thing up.
But it’s more Harry’s reaction, I’ve come to learn. Dobby dies as a free elf. Dobby dies in Harry Potter’s arms and Dobby is always happy when he’s around Harry Potter. He dies surrounded by love and care and concern and beauty and he dies happy.
But Harry is so desperate for Dobby to live. Like, really desperate. And Daniel Radcliffe’s acting is amazing in that I believe him. And when Dobby dies he doesn’t have one of those massive hysterical crying fits. He just seems to like, die inside. You can see how sad he is and that’s horrid.
I’ve never liked seeing people sad and that kind of really horrid sadness that I see in Harry is what upsets me. I’m a bit like an emotional radar in that I am strongly affected by the emotions of those around me. It’s not really a good thing.

Hotness, beauty, prettiness, sexiness. Call it what you will. How attractive one person is.
People don’t realise that it’s contextual.
I just saw a picture on Facebook showing a picture of a (fake?) tanned, girl taking a picture of herself. She’s got seemingly collagen-upped lips that are pale pink, a shiny face and hair that looks highlighted. Next to that picture is a photograph of a girl with pale skin, red lips, some funky teal (?) short hair and a hell of a lot of tattoos.
At the top of the photo it says “THE SAD MOMENT when you realise where(then over the tanned shiny girl) THIS is considered hot.. & (then over the pale teal haired tattooed lady) THIS is considered dirt”.
Of course some of my friends commented on it “oh this is true” and “not to everyone” (good point) and then I saw negative stuff about girl 1.
And I realised that actually it’s the other way round to most people.
So I commented saying that it’s all contextual and if people like either what’s the problem, it’s none of our business.
So the other person said oh I think the point is that tattoos are a social taboo and being “slutty” isn’t.
But tattoos aren’t a social taboo anymore. Times have changed and teal-haired girl is now considered more attractive than big-lipped lady. But no matter what you think it doesn’t mean that another person thinks the same. Your opinion isn’t fact.
If someone wants to look like however you shouldn’t say shit about it because it does not affect you. Let people be. Whether they are orange or teal or white or black or pink or green. Or fat or thin or somewhere in between. Long hair or short hair or blonde hair or black hair or orange hair or green hair or pink hair or whatever hair or no hair.
You get my point.