Okay so, for the first time ever instead of Jamie coming to my house, I made the four hour long train journey to his! It was really scary and I kinda wishes we were at my house for the first couple of days and actually, I still kinda do. But I’m very happy to be here. And more than happy to be with Jamie (except I’m not with Jamie right now, he’s at work). I’ve met his mum and his sister and his friends and it’s been really cool.
It’s been like living with him and I know when I get home tomorrow I’ll be distraught.
Wish me luck.
I simultaneously feel happy and sad. I miss Jamie so much. It makes me feel horrible that I don’t know when I’m going to see him again.
But at the same time I feel so loved. I feel like I am loved and cared for and that I have someone wonderful who loves me and looks after me. I still get all smiley and ridiculous when he tells me he loves me and hearing it is just so nice.
I feel weird. Happy and sad and everything else mixed in.
I didn’t fall asleep crying last night. Nor did I wake up crying which was wonderful.
But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t completely and utterly miserable when I woke up and saw that Jamie wasn’t there. It’s kinda scared the first morning after he’s left. I always wonder why he’s not there and for a few seconds, I panic.
And then I realise that he’s okay, he’s just hundreds of miles away instead of with me.
It still hurts so fucking bad. I still have no idea how I’m going to handle this or deal with the pain and loneliness. I suppose I have things to keep my mind off of sad things these next few weeks. Work and apprenticeship stuff. My theory test. Driving lessons. Looking into my future (basically exploring jobs and apprenticeships).
It’s not long until I see him again. It’ll be fine.
I try to be strong every time. And every time I fail.
I can put on a front, pretend that I’m okay and this is ‘just something I have to deal with right now’ and that it’s all good because I had a wonderful time and I’ll be seeing Jamie again soon but it’s just a show.
I’m not okay. The moment I’m alone it’s there. That feeling of loneliness and sadness so strong that I can physically feel it in my chest and stomach, feeling like it’s going to rip me in half lengthways.
I don’t know how to deal with all of this still. I’ve not found a coping mechanism or a way to deal with it. If anything it just gets harder to deal with each time. I find myself more and more feeling like I cannot do this any more. Each time I feel more scared, more alone, more sad. And the only thing that keeps me going is that I know it’s all worth it. The feeling I get when I know Jamie’s on his way is worth all the pain I feel at this point. I forget how hard it is and all I can feel is happiness and excitement.
You are there for me when I need you. When I am crying until I choke and panicking about everything you are there. You make it better.
You make it all worth it. You make me realise that my life does have a purpose. There are many good things in my life and you are top of the list. You give me reasons to wake up every morning, simply by existing. You are the reason I can do anything. Just by being you, you give my life purpose.
I have a future and it is bright and wonderful and happy. I have a future filled with surprises and unexpected happenings.
I have a best friend that makes it all worth it. You are there for me when I need you the most and you give me what I need.
I have everything I need in you. Everything I cry over not having is there, right in front of me. A friend. A reason to get up in the morning. A reason to never give up.
A reason to go to sleep with a smile instead of crying myself to sleep.
Once more you’ve left me. I’m sad and crying and my head hurts and my hair is a mess.
I’m not going to ramble on this time about how much I miss you; because I know that you know exactly how much I miss you. I’m not going to rant about how I can’t do this any more (because I don’t have a choice but to do this) and how I can’t wait to live with you.
You understand exactly how I feel right now.
All I’m going to say is that I had a wonderful time, as always, and I am already counting the days (there are 40- ish) until you’re here again. We’re one you leaving me time closer to being together properly.
I’m going to find the positives.
The other day I woke you up by calling you and instead of being angry you told me that it was nice to hear my voice. It made me feel good.
Yesterday I found one of your hairs on my bed and it made me smile. On the phone you told me that a week on Monday and we’d be half way to seeing one another and it made me excited.
You make me happy, even when you’re so far away.
I wish I was romantic. I wish that I could tell you that I love you in lots of different ways and make you see just how much I love you. I wish I could say things that made you smile.
But I’m not romantic. I’m not creative and I’m not good with words. So when I say that I love you more than I can say I really, literally mean it. I cannot find any words or any way of telling you I love you as much as I do.
It’s been a week since you left. It still hurts just as bad. I still feel just as sad. It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t go away.
I want to stop this.
Thank you so much for letting me fall asleep on the phone to you last night. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I wish that I could do that every night simply so I wouldn’t get a chance to fall apart and go to a dark place any more.
Plus it almost feels like you never left.
Thank you for being you. I love you more than any amount of words can say and I miss you so much it hurts.
I am loneliest when…
I’m in bed late at night, alone, scared and panicking about the future.
I put down the phone after talking to you.
I’m completely alone with nobody to talk to except the cats.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I’m surrounded by people, none of them you.
Something has made me really angry and I can’t calm down.
I’m in the kitchen.
I’m sat on the sofa next to the gap that is your place.
You’ve just left and I can still feel your lips on mine and I can still smell you on my clothes.
I can still smell you on my pillow, weeks after you’ve left.
I find one of your hairs in the most peculiar of places.
I do something that reminds me of you; like getting petrol or walking around the shops or making a pizza.
I’m feeling good.
Crying into my pillow.
I smell something that reminds me of you.
You send me a picture of your silly face.
You’re in the kitchen and I’m in the lounge.
I’m in the bathroom.
You’re out with your friends and I’m worried.
I’m worried about something.
Everything seems to annoy me.
I’m so sad that I think I might burst.
I close the door when you leave.
It’s so cold that my teeth are chattering and I’m shivering.
I’m in the lounge.
Nothing seems to go right.
Everything seems to go right.
I’m in the car.
I wake up from a bad dream.
I remember how good you look when you tell me you love me.
Something bad happens to you.
I have something to celebrate.
I don’t get to talk to you.
Trying to get to sleep.
I don’t know how many days there are until I get to see you again.
Listening to music that reminds me of you.
I know exactly how many days there are until I see you again (but they’re way too many).
You’re in the shower.
...I am not with you.