lose my virginity

Lately, this seems a lot less important and urgent than it did a few months ago. I’m much more aware of the physical and emotional risks of rushing into a sexual relationship in a desperate attempt to “get it done”. Now, what’s important to me is that I absolutely trust the person I am with, that we can talk honestly about protecting ourselves and that there is no nagging doubt when the moment comes. Until all these things happen, I’m content to leave that aspect of life alone.

last night. The only thing that stopped me, stupid is at this sounds, is that I wasn’t recently waxed, and that’s a huge turn-off for me.

Most of my friends refuse to believe that I’m a virgin. I don’t blame them. I discuss sexual matters openly, flirt a lot and have dated more than my fair share of guys. Thing is, I never go beyond kissing and some cuddling. No guy – even the one I was with for two years – has been beyond my underwear. And that was a long time ago – since then, I’ve limited myself to kisses, if that. It’s strange even to me. I masturbate regularly, I have a vivid sexual imagination, I write erotica, I think nakedness is delicious. I long to have an active sex life.

I think I’m finally coming to terms with this sexual side of myself. My family’s not particularly religious. My dad is “spiritual but non-religious” and my mum, though Catholic, doesn’t impose her beliefs on anyone. I was raised Catholic though – Communion, Confirmation, etc – and I guess some of those values stayed with me. Modesty, saving yourself for marriage, etc. My mum’s never been open about sexuality – it makes her really uncomfortable if I even mention it – and I guess somewhere I felt a little frightened, even repulsed by how intense those desires were in me. Convention and values I grew up with, the very place I grew up in, told me that sexual pleasure was wrong, not something to indulge in. I think I’m finally accepting that for me, there’s no shame in the body and its pleasures. I enjoy good food and I can only imagine how much I would enjoy sex.

A smaller part is that for a long time I wasn’t comfortable with my body. I was always going for unrealistic ideals and I think that now that I’m more confident in myself, I would feel comfortable sharing intimacy with another person. Another factor was that I can give myself such pleasure that I worried that the experience was bound to be disappointing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m wrong, because just being with myself doesn’t fulfill me even though it gives me an amazing release. I crave more, to share someone’s intimacy and allow him to share mine. I think that that’s the real magic of sex.

I’m still not the type of girl who’d have one-night stands – that is something I will never do, because it goes against my pride, the values I have defined for myself, and would injure my self-esteem – or even sleep with just anyone to “lose it”. I still want someone I am attracted to, whom I can laugh with, whom I like and whom I am comfortable enough to strip for. I’ve just decided to let it happen – because there has been ample opportunity for it to happen with people I liked in the last two years – instead of holding back, and depriving myself of pleasure. It’s time to accept that it’s OK for me, even if it’s not OK for others close to me.