NOT see or contact him in any way/any form for 60 days

I dreamed of him last night. Gosh I can’t wait until I’m passed this stage. I feel so alone and it’s getting difficult to talk to friends regarding how I feel. It’s like no one truly knows my pain. I lost a FAKE friend. This was someone I talked to every day. Every morning he would call to wake me up. We would talk when he got off from work. I miss what was (in my head).

You can’t dwell on something that never was. POWERFUL statement!!!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

I think I realized today that he never cared for me and I was the glue holding this fake relationship together. At first when I would replay our conversations it was mostly good times that I would repeat and lately the bad times from last weeks final goodbye. However I noticed that the signs were always there however I choose to ignore them in my selfish attempt to have what I wanted.

One of my girlfriends explained that I have an obsessive personality. When I want something or just think something should go a certain way then I’m relentless. I believe in something that is not there. And the funny thing about her comment is years ago I copied this motivational quote from a book I read which stated “We can want something so bad that we make believe we have it when we don’t” I thought I had a relationship however upon reflection we never had a relationship. So I got pregnant because I wanted to be pregnant. And maybe I thought it would draw us closer. Before anyone critizes me, I know I’m not the only female who has attempted this tactic. Just think about the marriages that are breaking up and the baby is used to keep him (either by the wife or husband).

But don’t misunderstand me, I did love him and I did want to spend the rest of my life with him. However it wasn’t to be because he never felt the same for me. And that’s okay. Naw, that’s a lie it’s not okay. He never should have lied to me about loving me then I wouldn’t be here in this situation mourning the miscarriage that I suffered.

In the end, I want him to suffer just like I am. Unfortunately, I will not be there to witness his suffering. I hate that I let myself get carried away just because I want to be in a relationship. Just because I want to love and be loved. Crazy I know however these are my feelings.

Not see or contact him in any way/any form for 60 days. My goal is much longer than that however I believe we will all suffer from wanting to dial (even if it’s just to hang up). However I know the sound of his voice will interrupt my journy to complete this goal and to move forward and not look back at my mistake.

Well, I had a lot to say because I wanted to get this stuff off my chest.

Thanks for reading. This is a good way for me to express myself and not leave all of my frustrations trapped in my body.

For all sad words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are these,
‘It might have been.’

I can’t wait until I have moved passed this depression.

I had been seeing this guy since June 2008. I loved spending time with him and he reminded me so much of my brothers. When I was with him it felt like I was with family. However on Thursday morning right before I had to take a 2 hour road trip I found out that he has a girlfriend (I was just the FRIEND – unbeknowst to me) that he has been with for 4 years. They have had an off and on relationship since then with him consistenly cheating on her. However to make a long drawn out process short. He told me on Thursday in front of her that I was just the women having his baby but she was the woman he wanted to be with.

Words cannot describe the intense pain that I’m feeling and facing. My goal is not for 60 days my goal is forever. I am to never ever in this life time have a conversation with him or to lay eyes on him.

I don’t know about anyone else but I can’t see how I’m going to go on. I’m sure I’ll lose the baby because of the panic attacks and stress this is causing to my body. I just don’t know! Although I’m grateful that I’m not suicidal however I feel like giving up. Meaning I wouldn’t stop anything from happening I just would do anything to harm myself.

Sometimes I just sit and remember all the lies he’s told me such as how much he loves me and wanted to be with me. Every thing he ever said was a lie and my self worth has been torn to shreds. I know I’ll go on but it just doesn’t feel like I’ll get any better.

Yesterday I didn’t feel like doing anything. I came home and just went to sleep. I didn’t want to eat or watch tv because everything seems to be about couples in which I cannot deal with the fact of couples in my life. And it’s now February 14 and he told me yesterday that he was spending February 14 with his girlfriend with whom he loves and wants to marry and spend his life with.

Also, she told someone that she is his alpha and omega. Nothing can break there bond. She also wants me to lose the baby and he said he regrets getting involved with me and getting me pregnant. Also he never really liked me. This is what she was telling another girl who brought it back to me which I believe to be true. She’s moving in with him in April. My heart is crushed and my spirit is broken. Can you believe to my face this joker told me that I’m the woman having his baby but she is the women he wants to marry.

HOW DO YOU MOVE FORWARD? I know one day at a time. But GOD knows I’m in pain. To top it off I lost my job on Monday due to reduction of workforce (layoffs).