be a better wife

I was sharing with my husband that my family admired his attention to detail in our latest home project – the infamous hanging of the dining room curtains. He was polite but not moved really. He was in a melancholy mood and I asked him, “you know how much I love you right?” And he was a bit more responsive but still a little quiet. At some point in the day I was cleaning the bathroom and making him talk more than he’s inclined to—and I said I do indeed love you a lot. It stuck with me that we see confirmation in different ways.

1. That morning I tried to let him sleep late because he has been working so hard.

2. When he came down stairs he was attacked by our sons as they sang the daddy song – “Here’s MY daddy, he’s awake, he’s awake.”

3. In a house full of women for the holidays he’s gotten better about being interactive. An introvert, I appreciate that he makes my family feel welcomed.

4. The curtains. During dinner I kept thinking job well done.

5. He loves us and loves God.

All of that being said, I want to make sure that I do the things that make him know that he is loved. We’ve had a difficult spell with finances and the relocation – but I’m not trading my life. The person that makes me smile in the morning and feel safe at night – is still the man I’ve married to for 11 years. Encore, Encore – I’m commited to the every day stuff that says,”I’m still in love with you – even when I’m not full of smiles and grace. I indeed do.”

In the bible there is a terrific story of a woman, who after losing her husband, was committed to her mother in law. I hate to hear that story. I am not Ruth, in fact, I mourn that I feel I will never live up to her character.

But, today, after years of a bad relationship I tried to start over. I sent a thank-you note to my mother in law for her gift for my daughter’s birthday, included a school picture and a note wishing her a happy thanksgiving. You may think – well that is just plain polite. But, if you knew our history, you’d have a better understanding of how far into the depths of H E double hockey sticks a relationship can go.

So, I’m not the person I used to be – remembering every holiday, sending pictures at every milestone, trying to stay connected – I’m not there any more. Today, however, being a better wife is extending an olive branch in a relationship that I believed was long dead. Here’s to the spirit of Ruth, and second, third, fourth, fifth and maybe even more chances. I hope my children’s spouses are equally generous.

In the bible there is a terrific story of a woman, who after losing her husband, was committed to her mother in law. I hate to hear that story. I am not Ruth, in fact, I mourn that I feel I will never live up to her character.

But, today, after years of a bad relationship I tried to start over. I sent a thank-you note to my mother in law for her gift for my daughter’s birthday, included a school picture and a note wishing her a happy thanksgiving. You may think – well that is just plain polite. But, if you knew our history, you’d have a better understanding of how far into the depths of H E double hockey sticks a relationship can go.

So, I’m not the person I used to be – remembering every holiday, sending pictures at every milestone, trying to stay connected – I’m not there any more. Today, however, being a better wife is extending an olive branch in a relationship that I believed was long dead. Here’s to the spirit of Ruth, and second, third, fourth, fifth and maybe even more chances. I hope my children’s spouses are equally generous.

Find joy in messing up the bed that was just made up – because all order and no fun, is no good.

I have always had a dry sense of humor, a sharp tongue and a way to add comments that sometimes “slice” in completely inappropriate situations. Over the years I have matured. I have grown. I have identified and realized the issue, and even begun to work on it.

So, driving in the car with hubby I made a flip comment that irritated him. He identified that my tone and approach were an issue. I held fast to my position – I was justified in my tone and approach. For the next 15 minutes I rolled my eyes, and basically confirmed that my concern trumpted his issue with tone. But…low and behold, we got over it. At home, after fussing for a few moments with smart comments, he kissed me in the kitchen and it was over. Okay, okay – so some would say control thy tongue. No body ever said my pursuit was to be perfect – but a few years ago this would have continued until it was a huge fight with long lasting implications. Today, its something that happened on the way home, and it is over. Except for my watching my tone – that is still an ongoing goal.

I’m a moma that does birthday’s. I mean, I like to process of celebrating your children, and I do so in whatever means possible. Sometimes there are more resources than others – and no matter what the budget, the most important thing is that children we bring into this world feel, experience and exhibit unconditional love.

So, knowing all of these things, I goofed. I was a little obsessed with why hubby hadn’t talked about “what we were doing” to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. When I asked at 5:00 a.m. what were the plans going to be (as if there hadn’t been preparation already on my part….) he responded like a guy. He said, we can do X, Y and Z. What my real issue was had disappeared, I thought he had waited too late without making plans and I know that he is not a plan maker.

Hubby has been working very hard to care for the family in transition, and he demonstrates his love for the kids 365 days a year, stories, baths, laser fights in the living room, piggy back rides and the list goes on. So, I asked my daughter after cupcakes at school and being in the classroom (while dad was watching the other kids during his lunch break), balloons delivered and the whole nine yards -what do you want to do for dinner – are we going to go somewhere special???

She replied, at age 7, “I think we’ll just stay home. That will be a celebration for me.”

So- tonight when dad gets home, we will not go to a fancy restaurant, Rain Forest Cafe, or any other place…

1. We will comb the hair of her dolls
2. We will bake our own birthday cake
3. We will cook dinner – with whatever is here, or take a trip to the all exciting grocery store

...and we, because of my husband, his hard work and our ability to get through the difficult times – will do it all as family. I think its worth it, aspiring to be a better wife. Isn’t hope realized always worth it?

Husband gets great joy out of Rum Raisin Ice Cream.
Wife gets mega kudos for having it in the house.
Small things – big impact.
If all of life was this easy.

Well, easy, not cheap. Rum Raisin when not on sale, the Haagen Daazs version of course….is the equivalent of – well, my Starbucks. Nevermind.

Well it would be good if I cooked it…so I’m going to work on that. We save money and enjoy our experience better if there is home prepared food. So, when hubby comes home tonight, there will be a hot dinner with all the trimmings (a plate, a glass, a paper towel, food) and I am going to work harder to do this at least 6 days a week.

I hope soup and sandwich will count….but not today. Real food today.

The infamous curtains and tie backs are complete. Hubby added the tie back bars this weekend and they look marvelous. But….my sheers are still hanging a little low – my error. He worked so hard and he was so diligent. Thank you hubby for being so thoughtful, attentive to detail and worried about my satisfaction with the job. Now…an answer for sheers that are 1/4 inch off, hmmmm.

I think we all reach a point where we ask ourselves, what would you do to make a difference in whatever situation. I have posted before about owning 2 mortgages, financial stress, and deciding to approach things differently. The last few months of our relationship are proving to be a big growth period for us both. Tonight my husband started a second job to get those too much month left at the end of the money experiences to be fewer and farther between. I am so grateful that he cares enough about our future to do whatever he has to do to make it work. We are making the difficult choices, doing what we know to do and believing for a break through in our situation. The most important thing to me in this moment is that he cared enough to subject himself to the exhaustion, fatigue and all that goes with it – to bring in more resources. We have both talked about this as a trial situation, it may not last. If it doesn’t, it does not matter – he did what he knew to do. I am in this moment so thankful for a husband that is willing to do whatever necessary to take care of his family. I’m not eating bon bons over here, this is a partnership – both in our personal and professional choices. In gratitude I’m just grateful that his answer to “waht would you do” – is anything that made a difference. I look forward to posting that this is a thing of the past and we’re moving forward by leaps and bounds. In the meantime this post is for those who are in the midst of a struggle – and are grateful for the partner they are working with through it all.