spend more time with my grandmother

We hosted a surprise birthday party for my grandmother this year – under the reality, do it while you can. We had just suffered a great loss in our family and I didn’t want to say, would have, could have, should have. We catered lunch for the Senior Center she attends, set up photos and pictures, sang happy birthday, and served dinner for 50. Surprise…for someone who doesn’t like surprises, she surely appreciated love in action. As for the family – I gave up on everyone doing it the same way, everyone contributing, everyone being supportive. We just did it. Happy Birthday Bigmama!

recently – an elderly grandmother type. She was very nice to our children, told us the history of the neighborhood and talked about her adult children and grandchildren. We used to bring her frozen yogurt and check on her when the weather was difficult – she was probably our nicest neighbor in our old community. When I thought about her, I thought about this goal and the opportunity to impact more than just your family. When I think about spending more time with my grandmother, the other opportunity is to reach out to seniors in general. If we all did that, my grandmother would have the love and support of those closer to her, in addition to us. This quest is more than a family quest, it could be a society quest. In turn, the standard for supporting our older generation would be more complete, more inclusive and more impactful for so many. Love thy neighbor…and thy grandmother seems applicable to me.

I had tremendous outcomes from gram going to the Senior Center one time. She was so excited after her first experience she indicated that she was looking forward to her next trip. We talked about her ability to mingle with folks her own age, to enjoy watching tv with someone, exercise, playing UNO, and the dreaded lunch. Even that was funny. She talked about the old ladies rushing for cookies. I wonder how old they were – she’s at least 81 if she’s a day. So, now, she is going 2 x’s a week. Our conversations are so much fun, we can talk about more than the soap operas or the latest update from her sister. I had no idea what a $4 donation per day could do – but it has been full of wonder. I send a small check to the Senior Center, and the payoff …..priceless.

I had asked my grandmother about going to a senior center during the day for recreation – it didn’t go over that well. I spoke to my mother and her sisters, and they all said – it will never happen. So, I didn’t listen.

Early this January I decided to just try. I knew it was a shot in the dark, but I figured I could atleast try to create a new opportunity for communication and recreation. I live several hours away and I knew that her weekly days were filled with tv and phone conversations.

I am thrilled and elated that against all odds, she did. I made arrangements with a Senior Center that offered bus rides – paid for her to attend for 4 consecutive Thursday’s, and she agreed to try it out. She loved it. Well, she really, really liked it. She enjoyed the experience, commented that it was nice and clean, played UNO (who knew) and told me this week she was looking forward to going this week. She told me she was so glad that I was her granddaughter and that I had made the arrangements.

Part of my goal for spending more time was to ensure that my grandmother knew just how much she was loved. I don’t live in the same city – that is my reality. However, I’m learning that action is possible – even long distance action. We talk about her experiences, laugh about the “old ladies” she meets (she is 81) and I am glad that “she’ll never” didn’t stop me from trying. We have found success – with her permission, her willingness to try, and her grace. She is still teaching lessons after all these years.

I spent about 1/2 of my last travel obligation visiting with my grandmother, took her out to breakfast and just talked with her. I realized that she is surely slowing down, physically, but I enjoy our chats and her mind is there. She worries, way too much for my comfort, about the last family squabble and how adults behave, but she remains invested in each persons life. She wants peace and harmony, that is probably the best gift any of her children can give her. I have determined that my response to all things will require filtering through my objectives. My objective in this instance is making intentional progress at staying in touch with my grandmother, calling her often, engaging her in casual conversations about life – health – family, and ensuring that she knows that she is loved. There are small gestures that make the difference, and some of them are choices not always “feel good.”

I sent her a variety of gift cards recently to encourage her to grab something out without worrying about the costs. She was thankful but didn’t seem overjoyed. I mentioned it to my husband and he put it all in perspective. He replied, ” You know your grandmother loves you right?” and I do. “You did something you wanted from your heart, right?” Yep, I did. “She let you know she got them when you called and she said thank you…so she let you know she knew that you wanted her to have them.” At this point I’m getting the point. He ends it easily, ” Just enjoy her and extend grace if your feelings are a little hurt.”

I don’t know what I expected. But what I know is intentional love is worth whatever the price. We are lucky to have her.

I wish I was going to be doing something at home, relaxing, reflecting, taking the kids to some type of history program….or so I thought. I talked to my grandmother today and she doesn’t sound like herself, she’s got a cold and she’s feeling out of sorts. Well, our Martin Luther King Day will be spent, back in her city, in her home, just visiting with her. She is our living history. She is a blessing in our lives and we will honor her with a surprise visit. I don’t want to do the drive, I’m exhausted thinking about it. Reality is, I don’t want to be thinking about woulda, coulda, shoulda…when 4 hrs. and a free day from school can cure it.

I was up early to get on the road home, and I spent a few minutes on the computer before getting the kids ready to hit the road. When I went to kiss my grandmother goodbye – she said – you looked like a movie star on that computer. (I don’t) It is just so very wonderful to have your grandmother look at you and see something that the naked eye just can not see. She sees in me what I haven’t always seen in myself – the potential, her legacy, the grandchildren that model her values and her generosity of spirit. What I hope she sees most in me – is the investment she made, and the return, in terms of family, love and the joy of everyday life – even when it isn’t always glitter and gold. I thank her for that – and for thinking – I’m a movie star in her eyes.

Our visit has mostly included sitting around, laughing at the kids and being here. She doesn’t move around as much as she used to, and she’s been a little fussy lately because there has been a family feud and some other stuff that takes her out of her comfort zone. Some days however, nothing special – is really the most special of all. We are here. We are in her presence. We are able to fix plates, fix glasses of water and just be in her company. For this weekend, that will be enough for us all.

I’ll have the opportunity to do this again. This has been a bit of a difficult season, my grandmother has had challenges with hearing, eye sight and not wanting to really make tough decisions. I was talking to my mother and aunts about next steps, and it was clear EVERYONE was frustrated. My grandmother didn’t want to hear it any more, the family didn’t want to take action, and in the midst of all of this – Christmas. Then, today, I spoke to a long-time friend, and she lost her grandfather at the end of last week – at 97. He was surrounded by family and friends, and they were attentive until the last final moment. Lesson learned – do what you can, now. Make your love visible, now. Keep trying, now. And so, at the end of this week, with all of the family trauma and drama behind me, I will embrace the opportunity to have lunch, laugh at stories, look at pictures, open gifts, and all because, I love my grandmother more than any one of us being right about what she should do. At 81, I hope there are 19 more years lingering within her – and I want to be there for them all.

So the turkey is gone, but the thanksgiving memories are not. Gram got on the road to return home, and I was my emotional self. Yet, it has to be the greatest feeling to believe in your heart – she knows exactly what she means to me. Every cup of coffee, meals or something to drink I embraced the opportunity to get it – for all the times she’s at home and doesn’t have someone there. I came back from an appointment and she hadn’t eaten anything. I came in the house fixing food – and my mother replied, “she must have been waiting for you to wait on her.” Well, how fun is that. My service is the best in town – and all for a grandmother who set the bar for service and love to us all. Yipppeee!!!!