visit home

Back home already… this month seemed like a week to me! I wish I had more time to spend in Poland, and I suppose it would be nice to have my significant other with me there as well – definitely will next time. I also wish I had more time to spend on 43t, I feel like I’m a bit behind, but after sleeping off the jet lag I’ve thrown myself into a very weird schedule at work… I need that figured out as soon as, cuz as of now I literally have absolutely no time for me, and this just won’t do!
Hopefully I will be back here sooner than I think.

I’m starting to feel it too… it’s not really easy to live like I do – I will always be treated like a foreigner in US, but after all these years in US I don’t feel at home in Poland either. It’s like I’m torn between both and don’t really belong anywhere…

Last few days were really nice – I went to Cracow with my dad’s wife, visited my favorite places and had the best coffee ever in the old town square. I really felt like I had to visit Cracow, and I’m really glad I did – we went to Wawel (king’s castle) and the Cathedral there on there on the Hill – there is truly something special about this place… can’t really explain it. The word is one of the seven world’s chakras (Jupiter chakra) is located there in the crypts, and I can definitely feel something energy stirring there. Wawel’s cathedral was always a big magnet for me, I can spend hours just being there and making mental pictures of this wonderful place. Other thing is that most of Polish kings are laid to rest there, as well as some other significat Poles – there is just magical aura around it, and visiting there was always a deep experience for me. There is so much history in there, a true walk through the centuries, I highly recommend visiting Wawel to anyone. The Tombs always impressed me the most, beautiful sarcofagi dating as old as 12th century, I can’t even truly comprehand their age – generations has passed, and they just stand there ages and ages…

Today me and my dad went to the charming little town Kazimierz Dolny, another super old place in Poland – located on the banks of Vistula river, I remember visiting it many times in my childhood. There is nothing like that in US, and that’s what I miss the most when I’m there. We went to see castle ruins and climbed on top of the medieval tower – what a view! No wonder they put a castle there, lol. After that we went for a long walk around the town and drove to the ferry, which took us to the other side of the river, to Janowiec – another beautiful castle ruins there, I just love places like this! Too bad I don’t have more time to travel…

without some problems…lol.
I just picked up my new passport, and after I’ve done that I realized my ticket was purchased in my old last name, so now I’m afraid I will have a problem with boarding and such. I’m planning to call around to see how that will work, hopefully I won’t be turned back at the US border, like it happened to my friend… jeez, what a mess.

I’m trying to figure out what else to do while I’m here so I don’t regret not doing it later… whatever it may be :)
I was really hoping to go to Cracow with my brother, but with a crappy weather like this I’m definitely loosing my enthusiasm about it. I still might get a wild hair in my butt and go. I loooooove Cracow – but hate cold :D

being home and staying with my mother is already taking toll on my health. I’m very tense, so tense that my whole left side started to hurt again. I haven’t had those symptoms since I started to work on myself few years ago, but only two weeks here brought it all back…
It doesn’t even make me mad at this point, just sad. I also made another doctor’s appointment, because I really don’t think that a flank pain like this is something normal. I hope it’s just nerves, not something I would realy have to worry about. It feels like I have a hurting ball somewhere between my spine and ribs, really odd feeling – it gets worse when I get startled (and I do constantly with her teacher’s voice – she doesn’t even remember how to talk normal anymore) or when I’m stressed. I wish I knew what it is, as it gets in the way of pretty much everything – hurts constantly for three days now. I think for my own well being I need to separate myself from her (which I did by moving across the ocean, lol) and stop bothering with all the mean things she says. It’s really hard for me to understand why she acts this way. I feel like I tried and tried, and only got hurt in the process. I’m considering therapy when I get back home, I hope I will be able to afford one. The fact that I’m here without my husband doesn’t make it any easier, I feel very alone in this madness. Just to make things clear – I’m not blaming her for anything, and I’m not saying she does all this crap on purpose, but we are so completely different, and she is so much stuck in her ways… the very little window of communication between us is getting smaller and smaller and I’m sorry, but I will not allow that to hurt me like it did years back.
When your body starts to respond to stress in a physical way it really doesn’t feel good, and nothing scares me more than psychosomatic responses like that.
On top of all that she treats whatever I’m saying like nothing, I swear my dog is more responsive to words than my mother, and when we disagree (and we do all the time) she tries to convince me that I’m wrong and says that she feels sorry for me, cuz I’m not sharing her point of view. It’s a vicious cycle making me feel like shit.
I hoped that visiting home after so many years will be a little different, but it seems to me she is not allowing herself to look around and expand her horizons even one bit.
I need to deal with this somehow, because it really costs me a lot – physically and mentally as well.

and I already have enough of my mother.
She is impossible to live with on a daily basis.
Pity, thought she changed a bit, but now I know things are just as they were when I left.

the air here! (the air, not the temperature of it, lol)
Smells like home…
Also the weeping willows I haven’t seen since I left make me feel like a kid again! I used to swing on those long twigs when I was little. I’m gonna go to my park again and hug a tree. Lol.

I found out today there is this quite famous psychic in my city. My dad’s wife went to see her and was very impressed with what she told her; she is also known to work with police quite often in difficult cases (successfully too). I am considering going to see her… but also a little scared… psychics always fascinated me and this lady seems to be the real thing…I have her phone number too. Funny thing is when I asked where does she see people my “mom” said the name of the street, and it resonated in me in such an odd way, I feel like I’ve known that address before. This adds to my curiousity… I think I will give that lady a call on Monday and make an apointment (she is also known to say a lot about people only by looking at the picture or touching an object belonging to the person of interest) and see what she forsees for me, my husband and our future.

I finally have a moment to write few words :)
I’m home since sunday and really enjoying it – the flights weren’t too bad, I think I was more scared of confronting ghosts from the past then actual flying itself, although I can’t say I’m a big fan of planes… My short stay in Amsterdam was a perfest little treat too – what a vibrant city!!! I need to definitely come back there with my husband and spend some more time in Holland, people are extremely nice and helpful, and the atmosphere is totally down my alley :)
There is so much to see in Amsterdam, and I had only a day, but I WILL be back.

Being here definitely brings a lot of emotions, some good, some bad. I need to work on all of it as it comes up – I thought I was ready to face reality here, but some stuff is just too much. I do need to get it all out though. For example seeing my grandma so sick is awful (I will write more about it some other time), and also dealing with my mom is not easy, but I do what I can :) She is such a weirdo… lol

I need to get my thoughts together and will try to chronicle my trip. I already know I need to come here more often…

I leave on saturday.
Three flights.
It’s wednesday, and I’m already starting to feel anxious.
I’m really scared and I don’t want to feel that way – but so far I haven’t figured out how not to be terrified… and it will only get worse as day approaches, unfortunately that’s how it goes for me. I think I should move somewhere from where a plane isn’t required to visit home, cuz that flying part really doesn’t work for me…