regain my identity

For the last years I’ve been on “emergency mode” or “problem solving” mode, but now I want to put so much more into my life. Last week I gathered many old lists, many pages I wrote, to see what’s not important anymore, what I still want… It’s been a wonderful eye-opener. This thread has’s been a wonderful eye-opener. I already knew I did not lose anything when I separated, I only gained peace, but it’s so interesting to read these entries from the past! In 2005 I was already talking about how bad my marriage was and trying to carve something for me amidst the turmoil: http://www.43things.com/entries/view/242940#comments

Shortly after my last entry, I found out my now ex-husband had another child. I can’t even begin to describe how I felt. Not because he had a child, but because he lied to me and because I was married to the kind of person who had not acknowledged a child who was actually his. I tried to cope and didn’t even make a scene for the sake of my own little boy, who was six at the time. But I couldn’t be happy and write here; my life felt like a lie. I decided to try and do the best I could and carry on. Then, a year later, one Saturday evening in May, my ex announced he was leaving us for another woman. My world shattered, but here I am. Since then, my father passed away in 2011 and my mother joined him this year. So now I’m a single mom, and though I miss my parents awfully, I’m ok being alone, because really, it’s better than being in a bad marriage. And I love my boy dearly and I think I’m doing a pretty good job raising him, considering the circumstances. Now I can look for my own happiness again.

Here’s the quote that was already on the page when I came to write another entry:

If I am not I, who will be?
- Henry David Thoreau

Played the piano for about an hour. Mostly Bach. I even forgot for a short time there was a world outside that room…

Play the piano.
I used to play. I would never be a really good piano player, but I could play some of Bach’s French Suites, some of Debussy’s pieces from Children’s Corner, Albéniz, Villa- Lobos…
I should give it a try…

I’m thinking of adding this goal to my identity quest. Roots are a part of one’s identity, right? But I’m not really interested (nor do I have the resources) to go too far back. I’m more interested in an “anecdotic” family tree: I mean I’d like to find out about my ancestors lives, professions and interests instead of just the relationships.

Wear perfume every day.
This is something I did every day, no matter how single or committed I was. I did it because I like it, and my mom got me used to wear some light fragrance always.
Now, some days, I forget. Probably because no one else cares, but I do. So I’ll do it again.

Talked on the phone to a very good girlfriend. Unfortunately she lives in another city. It felt really, really good to vent, cry and, most important, have my feelings validated, hear someone say that I’m not crazy/overreacting.
I also reread two whodunnits I read years before and had already forgotten.
Slowly I’m working through the initial list. I hope to remember more things I left behind.

I’m going to take a look at my childhood pictures (though there are very few), try to remember the books I enjoyed (and why!), look at mementos…. A trip down memory lane, to see what else I could be doing to add to this specific’s goal list.

Sing more, as I used to…