Stand on the edge.. understand what it will mean to take the leap, expose your emotions and let yourself enjoy.. then jump anyway!
Gypsy has written 10 entries about this goal
That doesn’t mean I haven’t been living passionately though! To me, living passionately is mostly about noticing and enjoying every moment in all it’s beauty.
Today, J and I went and found a park and laid on a blanket under a big tree just reading and chatting and laughing and being silent together. It was perfect. Just perfect.
Today we made a memory.
If you’ve read some of my other entries, you’ll know I struggle with telling those I love the most how I feel about them.
(I have written about this under other posts, but I felt it needed to go here too)
Well, I realised that J already knows I love him, but he needed to know that I trust him as well.
In a very difficult (for me) late night discussion filled with my tears and insecurities I told J how much it scared me that I loved him so much and that I felt vulnerable to him because of that. I also told him that I was okay with it because I trusted him. That night we ended up talking about moving in together.
This weekend, i was thinking that perhaps he would have chamged his mind about that conversation – or that he’d asked me because I was crying and putting my heart out there… I’m such a slow emotional learner!
Of course, he brought it up again straight away and asked if I wanted to start looking for a place right now or whether I felt like I needed to wait until I was ready… but that he knew that he wanted to do it.
Living passionately kind of evolved from living in the moment and enjoying life to not only doing that, but also experiencing the scary and maybe even negative emotions and experiences too.
I trusted J to react in a positive way, and something so wonderful (and yet, still scary!!) has come from it. But by expressing myself, I was also confirming that I trusted myself to be able to cope if he reacted differently.
I’ve realised that expressing those emotions does not mean that I’m weak and needy – it actually takes a huge amount of courage… which I didn’t know I had… to be true to your heart.
It amazes me that even while in the midst of experiencing everything I have ever wished for, that little self defeating voice that lives in the back of my head still tries to convince me that it will all fall in a heap around me soon enough. It implies that J doesn’t really love me, that he’s just waiting for a good time to disappear, that no one actually likes me at all, but I’m so smug and self important that I dont notice…
Well, this weekend I decided that to live passionately, I had to embrace the whole me – warts and all. Instead of just trying to ignore the voice, I consciously listened to it. I treated it like I would a dear, dear friend who was in a slump and was pissing me off. I confronted it.
“So,” I asked, “what data do you have to support that J in fact doesn’t love me?” Silence. Then, meekly, “Well, he doesn’t wait for you to have breakfast, he makes his toast and eats it while you’re in the shower..”
“Yes, okay… but why does that mean he doesn’t love me?”
“Well…” says that little voice, shakier than before, “he doesn’t wait for you, so that means he doesn’t think about you, which means… he doesn’t love you…”
“Okay. So how about the fact that he calls me into the bathroom so I can get into the shower as he’s getting out, just so he can give me a kiss? Or that he turns the hot water up a little first because he knows I like the shower a bit hotter than he does? And he always asks if I want him to put some toast on as soon as I’ve dried off… and he always asks if he can make me a coffee, even though I always say no…”
Well, you can imagine the conversation I had with myself, addressing each of those little niggles in the back of my head! Needless to say, that little voice was a lot less negative after I gave it so much positive data. Everyone collects data to support their beliefs – whether positive or negative – so I’ve decided that living passionately is about making sure that you focus on the true data, not the twisted, unsubstantiated crap our poor little inner victim likes to collect!
This weekend, I had some ‘me’ time Saturday morning, then J came over in the arvo and we sat on the couch and just chatted for a while. We then went and got take away for dinner and went to the drive in. (see my ‘list and review movies I see’ goal!! Hahaha!)
We got home and had a beautiful, intense… intimate… time together (see long service leave goal – make love more! Heeheehee!! :-D) Then fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Sunday, we indulged in a spot of morning intimacy (blush) then leisurely got up, ate, showered, dressed and went and spent 5 hours laying on a blanket in a park reading, chatting and just soaking up the gorgeous sunny day.
We then went to my fave Indian restaurant for dinner. (Rogan Josh – yummy… a big deal for me, I ALWAYS have butter chicken!!)
Then we dropped in on my friend S for a cuppa to discover that she had found a gorgeous blue-green sparkly top in my size that was reduced from $60 to $20. (we have an arrangement – both being voluptuos women it can be hard to find gorgeous, affordable clothes – so if we find something like that in each other’s size under $20 we get it!)
Then we went to visit J’s friends M and V for another cuppa! They’re a lovely couple and always make me feel good!
This morning, we both woke up feeling a bit poorly, but I didn’t let that spoil the wonderful weekend we’d had.
And then I told J that I loved him and told me he was in love with me too… finally!!
I woke up without an alarm – lovely!
I picked up my friend and shared in her excitement about getting a wonderful place for her to rent with her son.
We went to the amazing Indian restaurant I was introduced to last Sunday – yummy! We had a glass of wine each and enjoyed every mouthful of our 2 hour feast!
Got a cute text message from my man telling me he missed me. He was just at work!
Spent the early evening with 3 of my best friends talking about magical things (yep, literally!)
Now relaxing at home giving out the 17 cheers I discovered when I logged on to 43T – and discovered that someone else has subscribed to me (is it bad that that makes me feel so good???)
I made sure I listened and looked my friends in the eye while I was with them, and I expressed myself clearly and concisely when asked how I felt about a certain situation. I’m proud of myself!
Oh… also just told my man not to make plans with anyone else next weekend because I want him all to myself! We’re gonna go to the drive in! Yay!
I love being on long service leave!
I’ve had a productive day (compared to my languid day yesterday!) and now it’s 4.45pm on a Wednesday arvo and I’m sitting here with my laptop, a bottle of Omni Blue (champers) and some soft, creamy Brie with cracked pepper water crackers looking at my freshly cleaned fish bowl (Kevin and Brian say hi!) and listening to the radio – which I hardly ever have time to listen to! I am SO blessed!
Plus, my man’s coming over after work tonight, so I get to fall asleep in his arms, listening to his steady breathing and feeling the warmth of his body against mine. Aaahhhh….
I’ve been pretty good at this lately! Living passionately is very similar to living with gratitude I guess.
I was at my friend’s birthday dinner the other night and her family all got up and said something beautiful things about her. I allowed myself to have a bit of a teary in front of everyone (which I usually wouldn’t do in that situation) and showed how I was feeling. This may seem pretty small for some people, but it was a good thing for me!
I also really enjoyed the Indian meal I had with 3 girlfriends tonight to celebrate another birthday! I was ‘in the moment’ chatting with the girls… and also while eating my yummy meal. With my love/ hate relationship with food, I sometimes just quickly get through a meal and don’t think about it – which I know is wrong on so many levels (physical digestion, emotional and spiritual) – but tonight I savoured every delicious mouthful and thought of food as a celebration rather than a mere annoying necessity that I would feel guilty about later.
I also just enjoyed being with my man last night on the couch, feeling his arms around me and those beautiful, soft, gentle kisses…
I took great pleasure in tidying up my house today! I lit some incense (Nag Champa of course!) and made my lounge room, kitchen and bedroom look lovely… I’ll deal with the bathroom and spare room another day!!!
But it’s hard! It’s so easy to slip into mediocrity when you’re tired, busy, dealing with life…!
My initial plan for this goal is to do at least one thing a day with complete passion and ‘present-ness’. (not a real word, I know, but I’m tired and it the best way I can think of right now to explain really being in the moment and experiencing something without thinking/ doing 467 other things at the same time…!)
I will also try to keep a journal of these things and post them on here in case anyone is interested… and if no one is interested… well, too bad I guess, cos I like writing!!! Hahaha!
Gypsy has gotten 23 cheers on this goal.
- kathy* cheered this 6 years ago
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- A L E E M 2.43 cheered this 7 years ago