stop feeling sorry for myself

I know I have been through a lot of abuse in my young life and sometimes it makes me wonder if this is not some type of rewarding behaviors that I accept because it gives me some attention and love. Some is the keyword. I know it’s not true love but it is some attention. I keep accepting the way people treat me sometimes and I start feeling sorry for myself but it gives me instant gratification and significance. The problem is that I don’t feel proud … I mope around for a while but it gives me nothing, it stops me in my tracks, I start hating myself and not seeing the good in me.
This behavior is not conducive of being happy and I want to stop it. I want to understand better and find better ways to take care of my needs for significance and attention. I want to get attention because I did something special and amazing, which I know I am capable of. I just have to allow it.
I don’t want people’s pity, I want people’s admiration, affection, jealousy (sometimes hee hee)
I want to become the adult me I am supposed to be.