get over my fear of singing in front of people

with some guts, self-hypnosis, acupressure, reiki, and getting myself together, i think i am getting close to marking this as done. for now, i think my biggest thing to focus on is practice practice practice! and with Baha’i gatherings at least every 19 days (usually more than that!) i should be getting in plenty of practice!! i can’t believe i am anywhere near completing this goal. i don’t remember the last time i felt this… liberated…. well, the day i became a Baha’i, that was much more liberating. but this was some demon to tackle. i am so excited!!!

i made it a new years resolution to get over this fear. while i may not be cured by next month, i’ve actually been working on this goal a lot, internally, this past year. a while ago, i posted a few videos on youtube, which was a big enough step. then i started doing this mental therapy of trying to get over the idea and diminishing the reasons why i had this fear in the first place. someone told me…. that singing is a gift given by God. it isn’t mine. it’s God’s. so i am doing a disservice to Him by NOT sharing it. AND i had to get over my ego because thats ultimately why i was so scared. still not completely over it, however, but thinking of it that way suddenly made it a little easier. i sent a prayer song as a voice recording to my sister-in-law while she was in labor. she really appreciated it and it made me feel good. so, finally, for the first time in 5 years, i sang a prayer all by myself at a religious gathering. and i didn’t do too bad. and i survived. wow. i really need to start doing this more often.

but i mean, it’s BANANA PHONE!

although i dropped my vocal class, i did join a music class for children. i will be forced to sing in front of my class mates and children, but singing with children never bothered me. they don’t judge you. but the class isn’t all about singing. and who’s got the best voice. it’s, who can be the best children’s teacher. psht. and i’ve got that down. i’m a natural! so, my confidence is up. not to mention i’ve been nonchalantly singing around my friends here and there a lot more often than normal. i think i am actually succeeding on this goal. FINALLY. after 17 years of being so self-conscious. yeah, i became obsessively self-conscious at the age of 5. thus the root of my phobia.

so, i’m getting over the shock of publishing myself on youtube. what’s funny, though, is that my most popular song is a song i wrote about a year ago on having to pee. it’s been viewed almost 600 times, has been favorited 5 times or so and has been rated 5 stars by 4 different people. WTF. hahahaha… and it’s only been up for a week.
but yeah, i’m feeling a little less shy about posting my stuff on the internet, but i haven’t really gotten to the point of really letting it out around people. i due time. lets do this in stages.
in the meantime, here’s my “world famous” song about having to pee. HAH…. about as world famous as i’d get in a week with a cruddy recording and as world famous as i’m ready to handle right now, lol!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkEI9mMvwTg

after years and years of writing songs and posting the lyrics online i finally came up with the guts to put up some of my songs. you know, of me actually singing them. i was always super against doing that, for one, cuz i don’t play an instrument. hoping that instruments would hide any vocal imperfections that may occur. but that’s probably a misconception. i’m sure that if someone sucks, no amount of instruments can hide the suckiness unless it’s so loud you can’t hear the vocals period. so yeah. i haven’t gotten any feedback yet on the songs i posted on youtube. which made me hesitant, but i posted one on my poetry website, and already i had two positive comments. not to say i’m looking for an ego boost or anything. i have a very strange perception of my own vocal ability. i’ve never taken classes and that’s because i’m terrified to sing in front of a teacher/class. in fact, i signed up for a class recently and just dropped it last minute cuz i totally freaked. but, i want to be told the truth. even if it’s not positive, you know? cuz i want to know, as a singer, where do i stand? no matter what, writing lyrics means the most to me so if i suck at singing according to the general public, then fine. but as long as people like my lyrics. that means most to me. but yeah. so, so far i’m taking this all right. even though the lack of comments on youtube is making me squeemish. maybe that means i’m mediocre. not bad or not good. mediocre. that’s why no one can comment. UGH! i don’t know. i think i’d rather be bad then mediocre, lol. i don’t like that middle ground. i like extremes. oh well..
if anyone is interested, you can search Harijan on youtube. and if you are interested in my song writing skills, here’s my poetry site:
http://allpoetry.com/Sandwich%20Massacre

look at me, broadcasting myself like i’m a whore. oh boy. i’m turning into an internet slut! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! maybe it’s not so bad though. we’ll find out.

so for next semester, i joined a vocal class. either it will help me or kill me. we’ll see!