Make new friends

I’m still hanging in there with the online friend who I had written about previously in another entry. However, it is getting more difficult for me to endure, and I don’t exactly understand it.

This online friend is involved with a man who is in another relationship. He keeps changing his mind on whether he has the inclination or ability to end it with her or with the first woman. He also has a problem on staying faithful to my online friend, as he has a lot of ongoing online flirtations that are very adult in nature and rather graphic. This upsets my online friend very much, which in turn upsets me.

It really pains me to see her suffering on a daily basis from his whims and behaviors. He lies to her, she catches him, and she still endures it because she says that “I know he loves me”.

Once she asked me how I knew that my guy loved me, as if to prove that we were in the same situation.

My response was something like, because I can see how he behaves and treats me as well as the things he tells me. I can also see the things he doesn’t say or do, out of respect for me. In our situation, his actions and words very consistently match.

She didn’t like that answer at all. She retorted back with something like, well, my guy is not considerate and all-consumed with me like yours is with you. And I wouldn’t want that!

All-consumed?

That really upset me.

Then, she said that we are all-consumed with each other. She tried to backpedal by saying it was sweet, but not for her.

Still, this really offended me. And our friendship does not feel the same to me, no matter how hard I try to put these remarks in the past.

I know I should forgive her, and I am trying. I talked with my guy about it, and he said it sounds like “sour grapes” on her part. I guess I have to get used to that kind of reaction, I saw it from the other women at work when my guy would send presents to the office for me. Some would outright admit they were jealous, but I thought it was all in a friendly tone.

Anyway, has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

Yesterday, I did something dumb … I missed a dose of my medication which affected my blood sugar. I felt tired and totally unmotivated until I realized my error. Then, even after a small snack and a dose, I was still feeling quite lethargic. I couldn’t think of anything to spur me into action until I remembered two magical words: food sale!

One of the local supermarket chains have added a new one-day a week sale to their regular weekly sale specials. Among the one-day specials were bags of frozen shrimp, BOGO (Buy One Get One), large delicious tender shrimp! The last time the store had this, they ran out of stock and I missed out. I called two different stores and no one would pick up the phone to answer if the product was in stock, so I decided to take my chances and go to the nearest store location and check it out for myself.

The good news is that the store had the shrimp in stock, and I got four 1 lb. bags for a great price. I love using shrimp, especially for lighter spring and summer meals, so this was a very timely splurge of a purchase.

The better news is that I also potentially made a new friend. I was waiting for my turn to preview the red grapes on sale, while this other woman was standing in front of the display examining packages. I was actually getting a little impatient, as my precious shrimp was in my shopping cart starting to defrost. I passed the time by chatting on my mobile with my sweetheart man about the grapes. I asked him if he wanted me to get some to freeze, and so forth.

Then, the grape-shopping woman addressed me, to ask me about how to freeze grapes. We ended up having a nice chat, and we were talking about food, recipes, and the like. She mentioned an interest in home canning but said she was afraid to try. We had a great conversation about that, as I am experienced in home canning.

I gave her my phone number and encouraged her to call me if she had any questions. We both live near each other (thus shopping at the same local market), and I told her it wouldn’t be any trouble. I’ve taught people before how to home can, I told her, just by putting my equipment in the car and coming over to their home, showing them in their own kitchen, etc.

We’ll see if she calls, I meant it when I said I would help her. This was a big step for me, but we’ll see.

_{also, this is not the first person lately who has said that I should teach classes on this … this is really making me think!}

I have a dilemma for my gentle readers, for anyone interested in providing their comments. It is about an online friendship I have cultivated over the past several months (not on 43T) that I think is going in a negative direction.

Are these worth saving?

A little background: the person with whom I am friends share our contacts via IM and telephone, as she is not local to me. It seems since her relationship with her man has gone sour and mine has blossomed, we find less and less in common that is positive. She recently found out her guy was cheating on her, with several other women, and she is still in contact with him. She does not want to hate him or villify him, which I understand—the love doesn’t just go away immediately.

However, she is hurting herself by this constant melodrama, and nearly all of her other friends have deserted her over this infuriating behavior. I, myself, am on the edge. I try to listen, be patient, be supportive and reserve judgment. Nevertheless, I will sometimes point out to her the discrepancies that I hear, such as things like, Your words and your actions are not matching up. I’m not judging because it is all about making the best choices you can, but just be aware that it looks this way to me…. sort of observations.

Anyway, today she shot back at me with a somewhat hurtful remark. She has taken to buying and reading self-help books for several hours a day on different topics that she thinks will help her former boyfriend. Her cutting remarks centered on some self-help books that she thought I should read on a particular topic. Incidentally, I don’t think that topic is a problem but more of a lifestyle / homemaking choice, as it has to do with how much is kept on hand in a household (supplies, food, clothing, etc.)—I like to be prepared for eventualities as well as emergencies. However, this person accused me of being negative and “living my life by planning for the worst possible outcome is not a healthy way to live.”

_{I guess she’d be VERY displeased to know that I have expensive, excellent health insurance as well as AFLAC policies to help replace my income in case I get hurt or ill….}

Anyway, I am really starting to have my doubts about continuing this friendship. She rarely asks how I am doing, and I find that I have less and less interest in turning to her in my times of loneliness. I tend to feel even more empty after a long discussion with her than before. It also makes me cling to my sweetheart man in utter gratitude that a) he does not treat me like her guy treated her and b) that I do not act towards him like she behaved toward her former guy.

I don’t know if this is making any sense? Do I phase her out, do I confront in the most caring way I know how—knowing that I will likely not be heard?

Thoughts from the 43T audience?

It is painful to not have local, in-person friends on which to rely during this stressful time. The resources which I require are purely emotional and psychological, yet these are as gnawing and genuine as a physical hunger in my gut.

Today as I was volunteering at the food bank, I was speaking with one of the volunteers as we worked. She told me that she also volunteers at an arts center. She encouraged me to apply and said I could meet a lot of nice people there.

I felt uplifted by her suggestion. I found the arts center on the internet and emailed them after I got home from the food bank.

Fingers crossed!

I’ve been neglectful of updating this goal of mine, but I have been working on it. A few weeks ago, one of the women at work and I started talking, and she was telling me about this wellness center where she works out.

I shared with her that I used to work out, but since my leg injury and recent bouts with pneumonia, I’ve not returned to my routine and am hesitant. I found that unless I was in super-tip-top shape with great energy, that the circuits at Curves were sometimes too fast for me. I’d push myself and try to keep up, and a few times I had asthma attacks right there on the circuit. The staff did nothing to help me, and twice I was in desparate condition and unable to breathe. This lowered my confidence in my ability to push myself and feel “safe” if my asthma flared up and I needed help.

In any case, L. at work told me that this wellness center is basically on the back end of a hospital. The person who runs the program is a respiratory therapist. I agreed to try it, and I have gone a few times so far. I’m starting slow, just twice a week for the next few weeks. The center doesn’t have all the equipment and decorations that Curves has, but I feel secure and what’s more is, I have a friend to help pass the time.

My favorite machine is this bicycle-type contraption that has a nice big chair to sit in, and it has levers to work your arms as well as your legs. There are also some treacherous treadmills and step-machines that make me feel like I’m running in wet sand, but I’m only doing three minutes at a time on those machines.

We’ll see how this goes – I’m not locked into a contract, and they are only charging me $2.00 a visit – can you believe it!? The only downside is that it is a 30+ minute drive for me, but if I can keep doing it, then it’s worth it. The best part is that I am not doing this alone. :)

You want a glimpse of how crazy and insecure my wrinkled brain can be?

_{Are you sure? ... Ok, I did try to warn you….}

I feel rejected because M. moved away without telling me. One of the other chatty neighbors told me all about it; their landlord did not renew their monthly lease. I saw them cleaning and packing the garage the other week, but I attributed it to belated spring cleaning.

I am supposedly one of A.’s emergency contacts, so you’d think that her mother M. would want to let me know.

I guess she didn’t mean anything from her attempts in May to reconcile our friendship. Still, on some level I’m hurt that she didn’t even tell me about the move, even in passing. She has my phone and email, I’m not going anywhere, sighs. I’m just plainly sad…

On Friday morning, I was not having a good day. My car was giving me problems, as I just had the brakes and electrical system worked on the previous day. I couldn’t get the brake lights to shut off, even when I turned off the ignition. I ended up having to disconnect the battery overnight so the car would start.

In the morning, I connected the battery and started up the car—and it started up like a champ! I quickly turned off the car, raced inside the house, and within nine minutes I had showered, dressed and was trying to restart the car to go to work.

Dead battery, dang it all!

Anyway, in the middle of all of this, my cell phone rings, then my home phone rings. It is the neighbor across the street. (My regular readers know to whom I am referring.)

She said that she was worried because she hadn’t seen my car move in days, and now she saw the lights on in my car but no sign of me, and so forth. I explained my current dilemma, and she offered to have her husband come over and jump start my car. I was so grateful!

She also told me that now she is working, and how her ladybug daughter A. has made more friends and is staying over after school or at home alone. I tried to convey my support and happiness for her at finding a new job and for the new friends that A. has made.

What I noticed is that she did not ask me how I was doing or how my sweetheart man was doing. She didn’t even ask about my animals, garden, nothing. I didn’t catch it at the time, but in retrospect, it was as if she was delivering a status report and wanting nothing else in return.

The husband came over dutifully as he was told, and he was a pleasure to see striding up my driveway with the jumper cables in hand. My car was quickly started, and we both parted ways—I couldn’t thank him enough, but I certainly tried, over and over!

This was Friday morning, and my sweetheart man was here this weekend as often is the case. We saw the neighbor across the street once and waved, but we received no waves back. I haven’t really had a chance to think about all of this until tonight, and I’m not really sure how to process it at all, not at all…

This has been on my mind, so I guess this entry has a right to exist…

Last Sunday, my fella and I were having a happy languid drive to nowhere in particular when my mobile phone rang. It was my friend N. from the space center. Periodically, my friends call or write to see how I’m doing in my new job and locale.

In every conversation, my friends either directly or more subtly, raise the topic of a job back at the center. This call was no exception. I was regaled with news of new contracts and promotions of allies. I’m happy for them all, and I told N. to share that with them when she saw them around work.

It’s like a big family there; people rarely leave like I did in 2005. Most either switch contracts or go in and out of retirement. A few are asked to resign or otherwise engineered out of place. Many stay ‘in the program’ until death.

IÂ’m flattered that after almost two years I am still being courted to return. My response was to wax poetic about how much I love where I live now, and how there is a lovely house for sale on my street.

Nevertheless, I miss my friends. My fella travels a lot and frankly, I should have my own friendships apart from him. Although I’ve done very nicely at replacing my home and routine, IÂ’m lonely for the friendships I left behind.

While we still keep in touch, its less frequent. I even kept my mobile number the same so they can reach me as a local call.

I wish I knew how to collect the great set of friendships I used to have. The women at work are mostly either smokers (I’m allergic) or decidedly single and seem to really get annoyed if I talk about my fella or get his presents at the office, etc. The men at the office are much friendlier, but it’s not them who I want to hang at the mall with and shop or have lunch, etc.

I’ve had this hope that if I can find a good church, then my needs for friendships will be met there through worship and fellowship opportunities. However, the churches I’ve tried so far have left me feeling very uneasy. The last one I attended a few weeks ago, everyone but me were speaking in tongues. Everyone else seemed rapt in their pursuit of the Holy Spirit – especially the pastor. Just as I was feeling my most uncomfortable, I saw the pastor peeking, perfectly composed from his former performance, as everyone else continued in their communal prayer language.

I felt very alone after that experience – and not so eager to try yet another church right now. I’m still a believer, for sure – but I think this is a crossroad I’m facing.

There is a bible study that I’ve been invited to attend, by the pastor that I met where I used to pick up my Angel Food. (He and his church stopped being a host site, but he still stayed in touch with me.)

It is 6:47 pm right now, and the bible study meets at 7:30 pm. He even said I could come late. I haven’t done anything to get ready, such as find a bible to bring with me or even brush my hair after dealing with the animals and such.

I do, however, have my directions and phone number(s) printed out. Why am I so ambivalent about meeting new friends?

I was getting ready to sign out for the evening, and my Inbox receives this little message from across the street from the infamous neighbor who my faithful readers know as simply ‘M’. Lately, I have been doing my best to avoid toxic contact with M. and all the drama. She has still been taking my trash can to and from the street because of my injury, and each time I have called (when I see her car is not there) to thank her. However, I am really pushing mysself to get well, and with this week’s thank-you message, I obliquely told her that I am getting better all the time and can bring the trash down just fine.

Still, my initial reaction was caution! I went ahead and read the letter anyway, and now I don’t know what to think. My sweetheart guy suggested I post it to get some more feedback, so here it is:

I am sorry that I haven’t answered your calls. I have
been sick for 3 weeks and this last week it’s been a
migraine so bad that I finally went to the Immediate
Care Center. I am finally starting to feel a little
bit better, the Doctor says that I have a bad sinus
infection and that has caused the migraine.

I saw you bring down the trash on Tuesday and watched
you struggle to get back up so I thought that it would
be still just a little hard to bring the can up after
the trash men came. So, when I went out to get ours I
just took yours up first, no big deal.

I am still unemployed and starting to get a little bit
nervous not getting paid you know. But, how am I
supposed to get a job when the whole time that I have
been unemployed I have been sick and can’t even really
look for one. I know that I will soon have a job I
just have to get well first.

I saw {my guy} was here this past weekend and he has
really gotten your flower bed looking so much better.
I hope you get to see him this weekend also.

gotta go I have run out of energy for now. Take care
and I’ll see ya later,

M.

Thoughts from my gentle readers, please?