So THIS is what this site is for. I’ll summarize just WHY I want to become a jockey, and HOW it happened.
Apparently it’s one of those things you want but don’t realize you want it until it all comes crashing down on you. My very first friend was – oddly enough, a horse. I loved that horse more than I loved any human, probably more than my own family. I couldn’t explain why I wanted to ride her, but it was simply something that I felt I had to do. I learned how to feed horses because of her, and though I was never allowed in the pasture with her, I could pet her when I wanted and feed her snacks. Since she was pregnant, it worked out.
When her owner sold her, I was devastated. Her pasture was filled with cows. I’d watch the cows, but I never saw them. I only saw the horse that left me behind.
I had a rocking horse. I would rock on it, but suddenly I’d grab the sides of its head – there were little handlebars – and start pushing, rising up off the seat and begin pumping my arms as fast as I could. When I look back on it, I realize now that my posture was quite similar to that of a jockey. My arms ACHED to do that motion, and so I did it whenever I could. Odd behavior, but I never could explain it. It was simply something I did.
I would watch horseracing on TV, movies with horseracing. I wanted to ride a horse. These things I wanted, images I saw in my head, I couldn’t explain. I still doubt that I can. It was as though everything in my being was showing me things that I’d never seen. They were like memories, and the horse itself was calling me.
When I finally did get to ride a horse it was at a fair. But they didn’t tighten the girth properly and so I slid off and under the horse while it was walking away. I hit my head on the ground and was very sore, but the horse slowed when I fell down. I was only about four at the time, and thought it might change my opinion about horses. When the soreness went away, I asked mother if I could go back and try again. She refused.
I grew up, forcing myself to forget all about it. But it didn’t work. I’d see pictures of horses – and I felt some insane longing. I never became horse crazy. Couldn’t afford it. I had pictures of horses here and there, but it wasn’t something I ever obsessed over. I didn’t like the sport of jumping – it simply never appealed to me. What I wanted was flat-out running. Still, I never consciously thought about becoming a jockey, but it was always there. And each night I questioned my destiny, never quite hitting home.
I started Taekwondo, lost weight and gained muscle. I joined ROTC and learned to pay attention to detail. I learned patience, gained stamina. It started to become more apparent, this nameless urge, when I found myself exhausted from running so much – I forget how far it was – but the platoon was leaving. I looked up, saw another kid running for it. My thoughts stopped. I was overcome with the urge to chase down the kid and overtake him. And my body started moving on its own. I took off after him, caught up to him as we came around the last turn where the platoon was waiting for us. I don’t remember much, but I remember that I was watching him, and I felt myself accelerating, and according to the others I beat him. I started questioning even more then. But my questions were narrowing down. I had this overwhelming desire to race everyone.
It showed itself in the hallways at school – I’d start walking, someone with a ponytail would pass me, and I’d start acting weird and walking faster to beat them. Ponytails always drove me insane. I became fiercely competitive in the most fickle issues. And I would force myself to win. It grew so bad that whenever someone would walk by I jerked my head in the opposite direction or covered my eyes. If I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t be tempted.
Because I have bad eyes, my dream of being a pilot was crushed. I wanted to be an aviator in the Navy or Air Force. All I had to do was earn a scholarship for JROTC and I’d be able to go to college and join the military. And yet… when I found out there was no way I could do it, I was distraught. I was almost eighteen(so basically, this whole thing has been going on since I was about three or so.) and had no career plans. Desperate, I begged God for help, hopefully so that he could point me in the right direction. And the next morning it call came crashing down.
I dreamt. I was on horseback, but it was like controlling a video game character and the buttons were stuck. We dropped to last place around the backstretch. I couldn’t understand why the horse couldn’t go any faster. As I looked up, I saw a fleeing tail. The horse saw it. He snorted. I felt a peculiar feeling come over me, the feeling right before you’re about to be electrocuted. I only remember lowering myself over the horse, but I felt like I went inside him. Suddenly I forgot myself and the horse. We were both there, but it was like we were the same being. Never in my life have I felt something so extraordinary, truly unearthly. And we went for it. We passed horse after horse in the backstretch, and I refuse to question the logic of it since, of course, dreams don’t need them. We didn’t go on the outside, but pushed our way through, reaching the leader as we hit the homestretch. We didn’t quite catch the leader, and, exhausted and miserable(because I didn’t win. xD), I dismounted after the race was over and grabbed the horse’s reins to walk him back to his stable. But the horse wouldn’t budge. Thinking he was being stubborn, I grabbed him close to the bit(this was when I knew next to nothing about horses) and pulled – not jerked – just pulled. The horse’s head moved, and he jerked my hand loose, refusing to budge. And then he looked me in the eyes. I froze. Something held me there, but it was as though the horse looked right through me, and there was something intelligent there – something powerful. And at the same time, I felt that I was staring into a mirror.
When I woke up, I was horribly confused. I turned on the TV that morning, and found that there was the story of a woman from a tropical island who became a bobsledding champion, and she’d gone to the Olympics. Weird. I changed the channel. When I saw horses on Animal Planet, I stopped. Every single show was about horses. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I found out later it was Horse Week. And then it dawned on me. Could it really be possible I was supposed to be a jockey, when I knew nothing of horses? I’d never associated with a horse in over ten years and I knew there was a lot of experience required. It would explain the weird happenings, the times when I said stuff about horseracing that turned out to be true, and the visions in my head. But it was impossible, right?
I did research. I found the story of Seabiscuit. I learned about the famous racehorses, but found that I liked Seabiscuit best. So far away from what he wanted, but because he and his trainer and allies worked together, they finally did get what they sought. I was the poor little homely girl who had no chance of being a jockey. All the others were horse-crazy girls who grew up around horses and had the perfect opportunity to do everything they wanted. I didn’t want to be horse-crazy. I didn’t want that life. But I wanted to be a jockey.
Suddenly I started hearing Seabiscuit everywhere. His name could never escaped me. I even heard his name mentioned on Comedy Central several times. I heard it in stories, in lectures, and every time I’d jerk my head and wonder where it came from. Once, in dead sleep, I heard, “Seabiscuit.” And my head shot up out of bed. I was wide awake, staring into the dark, and the first thing I said was, “What?” But silence answered, so I went back to sleep.
In the middle of class, I suddenly got the notion to look for a jockey school. It was just there, and I’d already looked that up and the only one was in California, quite literally on the opposite side of the country. But.. I did it again. And I found NARA. Just built, holding its first class. It didn’t require previous experience with horses and was located in Kentucky. The sight of that school made this apparent fate of mine that much more possible. And for six months I’ve been working towards that college now. o_o;;
It’s not really my dream to become a jockey. To be honest, I could care less. But I can’t escape it. It’s not me that wants it. Something inside of me does. And I am enslaved to that something, I enslaved myself the moment I looked into its eyes. It wants to win, it wants to compete, to race. And I gave myself wholeheartedly to it.
I have worked with horses since then, my form of job shadowing since Georgia doesn’t have much for horseracing(try having a father that refuses to take you anywhere near a racetrack. _). And I found that I didn’t hate it. I worked for several weeks there, shoveling horse poo, cleaning stables – grunt work. I didn’t hate it at all. I loved the smell of horse feed and hay and quickly got used to the poo smell too. The horses could have used attitude adjustments – the girls that worked with them were snobby, spoiled, and if they didn’t downright ignore my presence I don’t know what it was they were doing. I doubt that the woman in charge believed me when I told her about being a jockey. This was a jumping stable. The only thoroughbreds there were owned by those girls, and I would stare at them from afar. One of them even had blood in him from War Admiral. Which meant he was distantly related to Seabiscuit, maybe. I eventually left the stables, not wanting to deal with the snobby girls anymore.
But yeah, that’s my story. The thing in me, whatever it is – I don’t know if it’s alive, but its wants are so powerful I have no choice but to obey. It communicates to me, not with words, but with something else – just with simple wants.
...ANYWHO. I’m off for now. _ I’ve got about a year left until I can get into that school. But I’m doing it. I don’t care what anyone says, this is apparently what I’ve been called to do. Nothing else has existed so strongly. I’ve thought of other things, and attempted to shoot for them. But the thing in me doesn’t want me to do those things. It forces me back on the path of a jockey.
