Learn how to move past a great love

Michael left his wife just a few weeks after this post.

The situation has worsened not improved. Instead of coming toward me as he promised, he has simply tortured me by stringing me along.

Just before he left, he asked me if I would be there for him if he left. Even though I thought I had come to terms with a life without him, I said yes. He left… but then pushed me away.

He seems broken. The act of leaving his home and (in his mind) losing his children has sent him into a state of depression. I honestly think that he sees me (or at least his feelings for me) as the cause of all of his pain.

We have tried to get together but the second it seems that we are reconnecting, he runs away again. At this point he barely communicates with me except to sms me about once a week. I still message him almost every day. (I need someone to steal my blackberry).

I am unable to even think about opening my heart up to anyone else. It was one thing to accept that we wouldn’t be together for the sake of his children. It is quite another to accept that we both destroyed our families to be together but can’t be because the process was too hard.

I tried corresponding with a couple of guys from a dating site. I just couldn’t go through with any of it. I was very open about my situation wtih Michael. One guy asked me the right qestion…. he asked what I would do if Michael came back and told me that he loved me…. the answer was that I would accept him with open arms and throw away anything or anyone else to be with him.

It is the truth…. and until it isn’t true, I can’t subject anyone else to being with me.

I am gong to mark this one as done.

The answer is, I am done enough. I will always be incredibly disappointed about this episode in my life… but that is ok.

I had to push away the love of my life.
My best friend broke my heart and treated me really poorly.

I am disappointed that Michael did not have the strength to be honest with himself a year ago.

I am disappointed that because of that, he used me.

I am disappointed that he choose drag things on for months… bouncing back and forth and causing me substantial heartache (and depression).

I am disappointed that he didn’t consider me enough of a friend to tell me to my face.

I am disappointed that I allowed myself to believe him… that we were some how different.

I am disappointed that I will not get to share in watching his children grow.

I am disappointed in the fact that someone I love has destined himself to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

I am disappointed that his children will grow up in a loveless home.

I am disappointed that I didn’t walk away months ago.

BUT, those things will always be true… I just won’t fret about them as much.

In the meantime… I am moving on.

I was miserable about losing someone that I loved. But honestly he made it easier by being an absolute ass. By treating me the way that he did, I am able to say that he doesn’t derserve me.

Am I over him yet? No… but I feel like I have walked a step closer to the door.

I was also lucky enough to spend some time with my ex (and my son) yesterday. He is a great guy and will hopefully be my friend forever but I really did make the right choice in leaving. Even over a year later, we are able to get extremely tense around each other within a short time. The funny thing is that we are both trying so hard for the sake of our son and we still get completely edgy around each other. It helped me remember that the last year of our marriage was nothing more than a low grade cat fight.

So here I am.

I am alone but the good news is that my son is the cutest thing on the planet, I have a good job, I love my little house, and I am pretty damn cute. So there is hope yet.

Where to go from here?

I had the honor to know an old couple who had been together since high-school…they were both in their 80s before Betty died from cancer…I knew them both for almost 5 years and since the day I met them, they always held hands… That is what I am looking for. I wish that I knew how to find it.

I decided not to journal this morning to give myself more space. I had some shopping therapy last night (fun) but got another email from him this morning. He doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without torturing me.

Of course this got me back into a grumpy mood all day. I blasted him in a response which then got me even grumpier. Grr.

One of these days, hopefully he will get that he hurt me.

I tend to live at extremes… if I am your friend, I am 100% there… but once I loose trust in someone, I do a 180 turn.

So, same question as yesterday… if he came back, would I take him… and I am afraid it is the same answer. Emotionally, I love him and that includes an infinite capacity to forgive if that love could be fullfilled…. but since it can not, I think I will just stick to thinking of all the ways that the universe is going to get back at him.

Meanwhile, there is a high probability that we will cross paths (but not interact) at work next week. I am just working on getting through that.

Do I…. wear high heels, thigh-high stockings, a plaid skirt and a tight sweater to make him suffer through his school girl fantasy…. or just wear a stuffy pant suit and get over it?

The school girl thing would be way too much fun…and as an added bonus, I am very friendly with a number of people (men) at the lecture so I could spend time giving them my attention… sorry, now I am just getting wicked.

Ok, today’s question is… would I even want him now?

Now that he has hurt me so much and proven that he can be so callus… would I really want him?

The honest emotional answer is yes. I have done it before. If I honestly believed that he would be with me, I would do anything for him. I seem to have an unbelievable capacity for being emotionally beat up by him. It is amazing what love does to you. The problem is that he has an unbelievable capacity for hurting me.

The logical answer is, of course, no. I would be an idiot. Regardless of the fact that I feel like I have invested so much of my soul, time, energy, money, and love into a future with him, do I really think that he is someone who has proven himself worthy of my love…. no.

Today was a better day. It was extremely difficult not to contact him but I managed (so far). I have been working hard at building up a wall around the scar that I know will be on my heart forever. I know that I need to accept this. I know that I can not control it.

I need to accept that someone that I thought was my best friend, really wasn’t and that the person that I hurt the most, really was.

I need to accept the fact that Michael was selfish and a coward and probably didn’t love me but rather loved being loved.

I need to accept and own the fact that I have caused my son to have a split family.

Ok…. last night, my goal was to not sit on the couch. I have to admit that I did sit and watch tv from 8-9 but otherwise kept myself busy around the house. I even managed to take a dip in the hot-tub which hasn’t had a visit in over a week. (I used to go in every day)

Today, my goal is to go out into the world. I am going to go to the movie store, the grocery to get milk, and Linen’s & Things. After that, I am going to do some long overdue filing while I watch the movie… I know that sounds so glamorous… baby steps.

Ok, enough of this, I am shutting down for the night.

Last night was reall rough.

I spent the train ride home thinking about suicide. (Don’t freak out). Everyone keeps asking me about it. I spend a lot of time yesterday trying to find a therapist and everyone kept asking me if I was considering suicide.

I made a list of reasons why I should or shouldn’t do it. I have to say that the number one reason for doing it would be to show Michael just how much he hurt me. He might begin to fell even a moderate amount of remorse.

Moving forward is hard. Some people might find this strange but it is my athiesm that keeps me from doing such a thing. If you know that there is nothing else but this life, then you have to do the best that you can with it… lemons and all.

I knew all along that it is a rare man that would leave his family to be with me. I was stupid enough to think that I had found that rare man. I could go on and on about how great Michael and I were together. But that doesn’t matter.

In the end, I have learned that as common as people think divorce is, there are so many couples who stay together unhappily just to maintain the appearance of a family unit.

It doesn’t matter if Michael really loved me or not. I told him from day one that I was playing for keeps. I was not looking to be used by him. I thought that he was my friend and that that friendship meant something. Learning that someone that I thought was my friend was really just out to enjoy himself at my expense is extremely painful.

I trusted him. 100%.

I have to own the fact that I was so willing to throw everything away to pursue personal happiness. I was not a friend to my ex. I don’t know if I did the best thing for my son.

Over a year has gone by and it is so hard to get back to where I was at that time. I had spent months thinking about my marriage. I was definately on the brink of leaving. The difference is that once Michael entered my life, I stopped trying.

I would have told my ex that I was unhappy and that I wanted it to be over but then maybe we would have tried counciling or maybe it would have been a wake up call for him. I would have spent more time trying to explain to him why I was so unhappy.

Instead, Michael was emailing, IMing, and calling me a dozen or more times a day. I was so caught up in feeling appreciated, wanted, loved and desired… things that were missing from my marriage… that I just stopped listening.

Instead I believed the fairy tale that Michael sold me. I feel in love with him and his kids. I spent countless hours planning our future together. I believed him when he said that he just needed time to line everything up. I gave myself away.

Today, it took all my effort to get out of bed. My big goal for today is to not write him. My overwhelming feeling today is to contact him and to plead with him to be with me…. I know it is stupid but my heart doesn’t seem to care about logic.

I plan on shutting down all of my computers when I get home today. I fell off the wagon today. While I was preparing to watch a presentation from my desk at work, I got so mad at him because I had really wanted to see the presentation in person today. So… I emailed him to tell him that I was upset.

I decided to go to the presentation which I am sure that I would have enjoyed if I wasn’t so busy staring at him. I felt really good about having the strength to sit in that room. But my heart is aching. Sitting in the same room with someone that you love to the ends of the earth and having them not acknowledge your existence is brutal.

I was shaking for the rest of the day. I did manage to attend one meeting by phone which I cried all the way through. And a second 30 minute meeting which I had to do in person but thankfully, I was ablt to keep the conversation going enough that I didn’t break down into a heap.

Thankfully, my really important meeting got cancelled today because one of the primary attendees injured himself skiing this weekend (I am not thankful that he got hurt of course).

I would be sitting in that meeting right now if that wasn’t the case. Instead, I am hiding out at the train station…. waiting until the next train is announced that will take me home.

After seeing Michael, I am back to wishing that this all was a huge mistake and that he will come back to me. I miss him so much. Ending for reasons that have nothing to do with ‘us’ is really hard.

My big goal for tonight is to not sit on the couch. That’s it. I don’t care what I do but the urge to just immobilize myself is overwhelming.

Don’t ever start a mental crisis at the beginning of the year.

I am limited to a certain number of sessions per calendar year. IF I had been strong enough to walk away months ago, I could have had high contact therapy at the end of 06 and started 07 wtih a full set of sessions.

Instead, I am wasting sessions just trying to find a therapist that I can work with. Grr…Yet another reason to kick myself.

Probably stupid.

I was so angry about not getting to go to the lecture that I went. I ran over to the other building in time for it to start and I sat through it.

I was going to go completely insane sitting in my office… I felt like Michael had taken yet another thing away from me… my love for intellectual pursuit. There is no way that I am going to let him take more from me.

It was hard to see him. He got his hair cut. I like it better when it has grown in a little but it was getting shaggy and he really needed one. He did a great job with his part in the presentation as well. It was good to see. I know that he struggles with that.

I really do love him. The sight of him makes me shake uncontrollably. I miss him so much right now.

There is another lecture next week which I have signed up for on a topic that I am very interested in. He is unlikely to speak at that one but I know the person that is hosting the event and told him that I would be sure to come. And, I refuse to back out.

Seeing him is so hard though.

I am certainly holding onto the denial stage a little… hoping that the last year of my life has not been a lie. But I have definately moved onto the Anger stage as well.

Michael used me… that much is clear. I am very angry at him right now. I feel like he deserves to be damaged in some way for what he did to me.

Right this moment, he is preparing to introduce a lecture. I love these lecture series. And because he is involved with them, I feel like I can not go to them anymore. So, I am watching this from video at my desk.

I am fuming.

Just before he began to pursue me, he had offered me a job. He works in an area that I find facinating and that I believe that I would have been able to thrive. Now instead of doing what I love… and instead of being fulfilled, I am left to sit here bitter and angry.

I allowed him to take so much away from me.

Let’s add career and intellectual damage to the list.