Have an awesomely different life by this time next year

So, maybe I’ll have an awesomely different life by this time 2010. OMG can you guys believe next year will be one decade into the new millennium?! Anyway..so this year was pretty descent but it could have been so much better. I found my dad but this year I wanna meet him. I lost like 40 pounds and managed to keep about 25 of it off(I pretty much pigged out on halloween candy, thanksgiving food, and all the other holiday stuff in December!) So this year I wanna lose that 15 I gained back and about 15 more. So 30 pounds is my goal! Wait till I get into like a size 8..ya’ll won’t be able to tell me nothing!! lol My confidence will be through the roof..but I promise not to be cocky..I think confidence is sexy, cockiness is unattractive.
Last year I took the spring semester off and went back in the fall. This year I’m taking the spring semester off but I plan on joining the nursing program at our technology center to become an LPN. I’ll get my license in a year. Then I can start my career as a nurse while going back to school at night for the rest of it.
As Barack Obama said “It’s time for a change”, and change is definitely coming in 2009.

Wish me luck!

I’m not really sure but it’ll be something great.
I’ve noticed myself becoming more confident lately. I think with the weight I’ve lost and the fact that I know I’m a strong beautiful woman regardless of what other people think and this all helps make me more confident. I’ve been wanting to do something different and I’m thinking of cutting my hair. My hair is pretty long, to me anyway. It comes down just above my bra strap. But it’s just straight and takes so much time and maintenance. So I think I’ve decided on going shorter. I wanted something like when Rhianna had her hair in the Umbrella video, kinda shorter in the back and longer in the front with one side a little longer. But now I’m thinking more of just like a medium “bob” hairstyle.. Idk..I think it’s gonna boost my confidence level..if it turns out right anyway.

I’m officially registered for my fall semester. I’ve been registered but I confirmed my classes and paid my tuition a few weeks ago. I start this coming Monday, actually!! I’m kinda excited!!! And I think I may have found the college I want to go to after this whole community college thing. I was really thinking about University of Memphis..but they’re a little to violent for me. So I researched and I found University of Tennessee at Knoxville. They were ranked like 94 or 97 in the top 100 schools in the United States. Now that may have barely made the list but that’s the TOP 100 SCHOOLS IN THE UNITED STATES!! I went on their website and it’s a public school so it won’t be as expensive. They have a school of social work which is one of the best in Tennessee. Knoxville is far away, but still kinda close to home. I won’t have to worry about out of state tuition. And I’ll be able to find work easily because Knoxville is the 3rd biggest city in Tennessee, next to Nashville and Memphis. I’m still thinking about it but I think I may have made my mind up:D

As far as money goes, I’m not doing the best I could be but I’m doing fine. I had to pay my tuition all at once out of pocket which was exactly $1,379.50. Plus I have to buy books soon:( However, I’m not worried about it because I finally got a raise..not just a small raise a $1.50 raise..I’m making $8.00 an hour!! Being that I’m in a small town where basically the most jobs are either fast food, about 3 or 4 small factories, or Wal-Mart, I think I’m doing pretty good for myself.

Since I dropped out of school all I’ve been doing is working and trying to save my money. So far I have about $3500 in the bank right now and I still have the rest of the summer before school starts to work as much as I can. Since I dropped last semester my financial aid was canceled and I have to pay for everything. Thankfully, it’s only a small community college and it’s only about $1500 to $1700 per semester. But I think I’ll be able to get it again one day, if I stay in school, which I definitely plan to do.

Actually, I registered for the fall semester 2 days ago. I know that I shouldn’t have made the stupid mistakes that I did and I never should have dropped the semester. But you can’t change the past, only create the future. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m going to try as hard as I can, study more than enough, and make it through school. Honestly, I could never see myself staying in this town for the rest of my life. And it seems like moving away to a different school and starting my career somewhere else is the only way out. So I’m trying.

I’m really trying to become more of the person I want to be. I’m not saying I want to be like anyone else cuz I’m definitely myself. It’s just that at times I feel like people don’t see me as the way I feel on the inside. Sometimes I get a little intimidated by people, I guess, and I tend to be quiet. If I’m around new people it’s hard for me to just start talking to them. I don’t want to be shy. I really do like meeting new people and different types of people. I know that a lot of people judge you by your first impression. And usually I know I don’t make a very good one. I know people probably meet me and see me as shy, quiet, a loner. I don’t want to be shy and quiet but that’s just my personality when meeting someone. I want people to see that I’m not a loner. I actually love being around groups of people and having a good time. Idk..I’m definitely working on that, hopefully checking that off the list when school starts back.

And I’ve been trying to lose weight. Since December of 07 I’ve lost about 28 pounds! When I first started losing weight I could feel my confidence becoming stronger. I think that has to do with a lot of my shyness and self confidence issues that I’ve had since I was younger. I started gaining weight probably around 2nd grade. All the other girls were skinny and white and I felt so different. I was the only mixed kid in my classes from kindergarten to 8th grade. But now that I’m losing weight, I think it has helped me to be more confident and “shine from within”. Some people think that self confidence is one of the most attractive things about a female. I kinda think that myself. You can be the most beautiful woman but if you feel ugly and think people think you’re ugly, most likely people won’t be attracted to you as much. And there will always be people trying to bring you down because of their own insecurities. Like one day at work I was feeling really good. There was this man inside waiting for his take out order, kinda cute probably around 25 or so. Well an order came up that I had to take outside. So I walked out with my chin up, eyes bright and looking around, my posture looking great and my shoulders back. I didn’t know anyone was watching me, I was just walking. When I came back in, the man stepped over toward the counter and asked,
“How are you?” I said Fine and smiled..
“Yes you are,” and smiled back at me. At first I didn’t really comprehend what he had said and what it meant. Then I looked back up at him like I was shocked he had said that. I didn’t really know what to say..so I said thanks. Then he told me “It’s good to see your confidence.” That’s when I thought to myself, so it really is true. And now I try to be that way all the time. Like I said there are people who are insecure about themselves who try to bring others down. That same day soon after that man had left, I was telling my 50 something year old manager about what he had said. She just looked at me and said “Oh Tosha, don’t let that man feel your head up. Ain’t nobody studying you.” If that had been the old me, that would have bothered me. But it didn’t. I knew what she was doing so I just let her feel like she had control of the situation. I told her I know, and that I didn’t believe nothing that man had said. I guess it made her feel better knowing that it brought my spirit down some, when actually I only let her believe that. Get it??...

And for the guy that came to my job all the time…I wasn’t really sure that I liked him, I think I just thought he was sexy. But one day he came up there and we talked and exchanged numbers. He started texting me that night and we agreed to hang out one day. I decided that I might as well see what he’s about. Definitely the wrong idea. After work one night we rode around for a little bit and talked, then we went back to his house to watch a movie. I just didn’t feel any connection. I’m not into the thugs, or the bad guys but damn..do you really have to be that..idk, nice, sensitive, a good guy? Idk..we were on the couch and I know he had put his arm around me. I didn’t say anything. In the 2 hours I was there he kissed my forehead probably 4 or 5 times which was awkward being that it was the first time we ever hung out. It was really late and I was kinda tired so I was slumped back on his couch with my head leaned over toward my shoulder. This dude starts “caressing” my cheek. I looked up at him with this look like What the hell?? He just smiled and kissed my forehead again. So I sat up, hoping he would get the clue and take me back to town to get my car. He asked me if I was tired..I said yea. Did he offer to take me to my car? Nope. He just sat up and looked at me. I was looking at the tv and he grabbed my chin and tried to kiss me! I know it had to be embarrassing for him cuz I turned away. I didn’t want to kiss him..I didn’t even want him kissing my damn forehead, much less my lips..no! So finally he took me back to town and he walked me to my car. He hugged me and said well, can I get a kiss on my cheek. So I gave him a little bitty peck on the cheek and I was on my way. For about the next week he would text me while he was at work or something and it would say sweetie..or baby..I miss u..or something like that. I haven’t really talked to him since then. Oh well. I know I’ll find a good man somewhere, in time. But it won’t be him!

Pretty much ignore everything in the last entry I have for this goal. So first of all, I did finish my first semester and passed. However, I started my second semester and I hated it. I could feel that the things I was doing was wrong, like I would wait last minute to do my homework and it would be like half written..and I would get half the grade. Or I would stay up all night the night before my 8:00 class and I would over sleep or just say well I’ll go the second half. I stopped going to my psychology class because I didn’t really like how the teacher taught. It was abnormal psychology which is a prerequisite for nursing majors, but I was the only psychology major in the whole class. The teacher was cool but it seemed like he understood that the nursing majors just needed it to graduate so he kinda just went over things. The class wasn’t hard at all but that’s my major! I don’t want it to just be easy because the teacher wasn’t teaching, I want it to be a challenge because this is something I need to learn for my future career. So after all the skipping classes and half written homework I decided I should drop the semester. I was already going to fail, so why not save 2 months and just withdraw. But it’s all my fault, I was completely slacking and I only have myself as an excuse.
Next, my ex-boyfriend…Where do I even start with this. We became really good friends. After I told him that we really just need to be friends we would meet up or call and talk forever..at first. Then after a while we just kinda fell back into old habits. We started having sex again..while he was in a relationship with the girl who recently gave birth to their beautiful baby boy.
And for the sexy man I found..well he’s still sexy and a really great guy, but I really think he’s just too old for me. I mean it’s 8 years. But we’re still cool, we call each other every once in a while. And I think he’s going with someone now, or “talkin” to them.

This all sounds bad, it’s completely opposite of what this goal is. But it’s ok, because I know that everything will bounce back and I’ll be doing just fine.
I didn’t drop out of school for good, I’m definitely going back in the fall, and I’m not going to be so stupid.
And the ex, we decided we should be friends and not have sex anymore. Actually he was the one to bring it up this time. But I know that we’ll never get back together and if we did it wouldn’t work out.
And I think I’ve found a new crush. It’s funny cuz I really don’t know that much about him. I do know that he has really pretty teeth and super sexy eyes!! He’s 23..I’m 18, it’s not that big of a difference. I’m so shy around him though. Like he comes to DQ where I work, all the time but I’m always so shy around him. Idk..he came in there tonight and I was telling my friend I think he’s cute and I would go with him. Maybe she can hook me up lol..she knows him!

I’m just getting started on this goal, although I feel like I’ve already accomplished a lot. I first started this goal in November 2007 I think. And since then, I finished my first semester of college. I didn’t make the best grades but at least I passed. It was definitely my fault as I could have studied more than I did. Now I’m about to begin my second semester I hope to have a B average, at least.

Next is a goal I’m most proud of completing. For about a year and 4 months my ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up. And we still talked and hung out sometimes but it was always a secret. I knew at first he still had feelings for me but I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t with me but with another girl. But stupidly I still waited for him, thinking that our break would be over, not realizing that that’s just a line guys say when they’re breaking up with someone. And as the months passed by I went up and down with my emotions and feelings for him. I would tell myself I’m over him and a week later I’d be right back with him. I slowly began to realize that we weren’t going to get back together and maybe it was for the best. While I was thinking about him there were guys all around that I could have at least given a chance. And when I finally began to realize this I noticed how much better things could be for me, things that he could never do, things that he never would do. When we were texting one night he said something about meeting him somewhere..and something about do I want some dick! lol..But that’s when I told him I’m not talking to him like that. I told him that I waited soo long for him to come back to me but he never did. I told him I was tired of being the girl on the side and that I deserve so much better than what he was doing for me. I told him I’m starting to like someone else and they have helped me realize that I can have so much more. At first he was like in shock that I wasn’t going to talk to him anymore, he thought I was playing. Then he figured out how serious I was and he starting getting “upset” I guess you could say.. He was like dang so u really gonna stop talking to me. I’m sorry for everything that happened. I do still got feelings for you, I did want to get back with you. That’s when I told him I deserve better and all that. He finally said I’m right I’m a good person and he don’t deserve me. He said he messed up so much and I deserve someone who is going to treat me better than he did. He said I’m going to make someone really happy. It was kinda sad..but at the same time it felt SOO DAMN RELIEVING!

And with all that..I met a guy. I already kinda knew him..or knew of him at least. One night in the summer me and my friend saw him at Walmart. He yelled across the parking lot and said hey to me. I walked a little closer and we talked for a minute and that was that. I saw him again another night at walmart and we talked for a minute. He asked where I worked and he said he’d have to come see me one day. And the next day he pulled up at my job. I realized after the first time I saw him at Walmart I kinda liked him but he was engaged so I let it go. But recently he and and fiance broke up and don’t talk anymore. She cheated on him and lied and he doesn’t tolerate that at all. Well he came through the drive thru at work one day and I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him. But I sent him a message on myspace just saying hi and telling him how glad I was to see him because I haven’t seen him in so long. He messaged me back and said he was glad to see me too. He gave me his number and I sent mine to him. Then my phone rings and it was him. Ever since then we’ve been talking as friends I guess. I don’t really know our status right now.. He comes to see me every day at work, he calls we everyday, For the past week or so he’s come over to give me a hug. And finally, we kissed. It was amazing. I don’t even really like making out or whatever u wanna call it but I could kiss him all day! I really like this guy and I hope he gives us a chance. I mean he’s almost perfect. He has his own place, his own car, a job..actually a career (he’s a cop), he’s smart, he graduated from college and went back, he’s cute, sweet, funny, respectful, into church (which I need to get back into), he doesn’t smoke, or do any kind of drugs, he doesn’t have any kids. He’s cool, everyone gets along with him, I’ve never heard anything bad about him. What more could u ask for, really?
I like him so much it’s crazy..I feel like a 12 year old and this is my first crush. The only thing is that he’s 26 and I’m 18. I’m perfectly fine with it but I’m not sure if he is. I’m willing to give it a try and hopefully he will too.

Wow..I didn’t mean for this entry to be this long.

I know that life is kinda like a pyramid.. without the bottom you can’t make it to the top. And without studying which I consider being the bottom, I won’t make good grades, and without good grades I won’t pass, and without passing, I won’t make it to the University of Memphis, and if I don’t make it there, I won’t get my dream job at St. Jude, and without my dream job I won’t have the life I want and hope for, and without that I won’t be a happy person, and if I’m not a happy person, I won’t find the man out there for me, and if I don’t find him, I’ll be lonely, and who wants to be lonely? All this from not studying..WOW!!

lol..but most of that is true.