I just finished reading the book Nonviolent Communication By Marshall B. Rosenberg. It is helping me a lot. Being assertive is so foreign to me that I often don’t know what words to use in order to express myself. This book gives a formula for expressing your feelings and needs in a nonviolent way. When you express your needs and wants using this formula it sounds so reasonable. It doesn’t sound rude or aggressive or inconsiderate at all. But, it is still a little bit uncomfortable for me. I think I don’t even feel like I have the right to assert myself. I have practiced using these words to assert myself in private just to hear the words out loud and feel comfortable with them. When I hear the words in my head they sound perfectly calm and appropriate but this little voice in my head is saying how dare you ask for what you want! I think I just need more practice. I highly recommend this book.
InTheForest has written 11 entries about this goal
I think I did a good job of this today. I am taking a class I paid a large sum of money in cash for. The dates for this class have been scheduled a long time in advance. I just got a call today saying they were considering rescheduling because the class on Saturday conflicts with people who want to go out of town for Thanksgiving. I was FURIOUS! It is not my fault that some people did not mark their calendars and consider the dates when they signed up for the class. I blasted the people offering the class with an email explaining how I felt. I was very polite but very firm about being upset and thinking how they handled things was wrong. I felt really good about. It’s not something I would typically do. It didn’t help though. I’m even more ticked off now because they are still going to reschedule the class and NOW they are claiming one of the reasons they are rescheduling is because the teacher is exhausted! WELL SO AM I and I still have to go to work everyday. Then there was also a guilt trip about people needing to be flexible! I don’t know why but this whole situation just has me fuming!
This is hard but I’m trying. The other day I was shopping with friends and I was STARVING. I knew they were not done. My typical response would have been to starve to death while I let them keep on shopping but I decided there is no reason why I should suffer just so they can shop some more. So, I spoke up and let them know I was ready to go eat and I needed to go eat NOW. This was a little bit easier to do because I was in one area of the store by myself and away from them so I had time to think the situation through. I had several other instances during the week at work were I was not assertive and should have been. In all of those occasions I was so dumb founded by the rude things people said to me that I was too in shock to think clear enough to respond the way I would have liked to. I think this happens a lot. I am so often in such shock over a person’s rude, agressive behavior that I can not think clear enough to respond in an assertive way that is not an easy way for me to respond to begin with.
I’m slowly learning that it’s OK to express the way I feel and I have the right to let people know what my needs are. It’s still not easy but I’m getting a LITTLE bit better. Sometimes it helps me to remind myself that most of the time I need to be assertive with someone it is because they are not respecting me or they are taking advantage of me so there is no reason why I should be worried about upsetting them because they are not worried about how upset they are making me!
I am just not good at this at all. I have been having some work done on my bathroom and a relative is doing it for me and I am paying him. He is completely taking advantage of the situation and I have had a not working bathroom for almost 2 months. I should have stepped in a long time ago and told him exactly what I expected and that he needed to work on the bathroom more often than when he just felt like it! But he has always been one of my favorite relatives and the golden boy who could do no wrong so I could never bring myself to stand up for myself because I felt like I was being mean. Now I am just angry with him and how everything has turned out and angry with myself for not speaking up! I know I would be much happier right now If I would have just spoken up over a month ago!
The other day I was in the car with a friend and got stopped for speeding. My friend started rambling on and on to the cop about how we weren’t speeding and then she even started to tell him a bunch of lies that had absolutely nothing important to do with the situation!!!! He could have easily figured out we were lying if he kept asking more questions and I’m sure lying to a cop is not a good thing. I was so angry with her! It was just a stupid speeding ticket and she was carrying on and and lying like we were getting busted for something really awful!!! I thought I am not going to get in even more trouble because of her big mouth so I spoke up and told her to just stop! I was so proud of myself. I normally would have never done something like that but I thought I am not going to continue sitting back while other people control my life!
I’m practicing speaking up with people I don’t care about as much. I complained at a restaurant the other day because I didn’t get my whole order. I ended up with a $10 gift card. Then I complained about a piece of furniture I ordered that was not the size that was advertised. The company offered to let me upgrade to a larger size and they waved a 25% restocking fee.
Yesterday a woman I work with wanted me to call the main office and get some documents I was very uncomfortable asking for and didn’t feel I had any business asking for. She was not my boss and I didn’t have to do what she said. She was just trying to get me to do her dirty work. She is very assertive and direct but I told her no. It wasn’t easy because my urge was not to make any waves or ruffle any feathers and just say yes but I didn’t do it!! I still have a long way to go but I feel liek I am making baby steps with this goal.
I have a little goal of saying no 2 times every week. So far I’m doing pretty good. I have said no twice a week for the past 2 weeks. I have the tendency to allow myself to be treated as a doormat. Sometimes this happens because I chime in and “give” when I shouldn’t just because I hate the feeling of uncomfortableness that comes with having people unhappy with me because I don’t do what they want. It is often so much easier to just give of myself so I don’t ruffle any feathers and keep everyone happy. So…..this week I am going to try hard not to give of myself so quickly but sit with the uncomfortableness for a bit first. Hopefully as time goes on I will become more comfortable with that uncomfortable feeling and learn that I do not have to allow myself to be treated like a doormat just to keep everyone else happy.
I feel like my friends and the people I care about walk all over me left and right. They all know I’m a nice person and a people pleaser and never want to rock the boat so they take advantage of that. I can’t take it anymore and I’m ready to start sticking up for myself. I just need some good opportunities. I think I have been so hurt by the people who supposedly care about me that I’ve shut them out of my life to some degree. So…..not as many opportunities arise anymore. But, I’m ready to start letting people know how I feel and that what they are doing hurts me! I’m ready to stick up for myself!
