stop depending on others for my happiness

I’ve started doing a lot more things that I have wanted to do but I would have been afraid of doing in the past because I didn’t have friends who would do it with me or maybe I couldn’t do what I wanted to do with the friends I would have most preferred to be with. I have been trying to do things and have fun for myself and not let my good times depend so much on who I’m with.

I had a long conversation yesterday with someoe I care about very much. It was a person who I thought I might not have any kind of relationship with anymore. It made me SOOOOOOO happy. The conversation was wonderful. We talked about some really profound things. I scares me to death how much power this person has over me, how I am insantly propelled to happiness when we talk. Because…..the flip side of this is that when things are not going well between us I am plummeted into sadness. I HATE it. It scares me so much that my state of happines can so easily change depending on the actions of another person.

Well….I’ve stopped depending on others! I have just basically come to realize I can’t depend on anyone and I’ve pretty much stopped trying to fool myself into thinking I can. But this has not exactly brought me happiness either! I’m pretty unhappy right now! So, I’m still working on this one.

I’ve recently realized that I give up a lot of control to the people in my life I look to for happiness. I wait around and depend upon people I care about to call or ask me to do something. Especially when it comes to calling and asking for help….I rarely do this. I realized I do this because when I do ask for anything I usually get let down. Not asking prevents the pain of being disappointed but I’m also giving up power and control. I’m not sure why I have this issue with being let down and disappointed. It wasn’t until yesterday I even realized this.

I care more about the people in my life than anything else. I don’t care about being rich, having a fancy car or living in a mansion. You always hear people say that what matters at the end of your life is the quality or your relationships and not how much time you spend at work trying to achieve “success”. I truly believe that. I’m starting to think not very many other people feel the same way. I’m starting to feel like being nice and caring about people is a crime. If I didn’t care so much I wouldn’t have this goal on my list. I don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t care so where is the balance?

I can be having a miserable day, totally down in the dumps then as soon as I hear from someone who is important to me my whole perspective changes. I become energized and my outlook completely changes. I DO NOT want to depend on other people to make me feel that way. I want to be able to make myself feel that way. Knowing that someone else cares enough to call me or see me should NOT be so important to me. I hate myself for it!