I’m starting to think this might be an even bigger lesson to learn than I ever thought!
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InTheForest has written 11 entries about this goal
Someone I love needs help. They are setting their life onto a crash course for disaster. I just ache inside so badly to reach out and help and do anything I can to make it better. I don’t know at all where the line is between offering hep in a healthy way and bad way. Do I offer to help or do I sit back and wait to be asked for help? I don’t know! I want to do what is healthiest for me because I know I ultimately can not save someone else.
It’s a real catch 22 when the person you love who is perfect for you and admits you are perfect for each other can’t be with you because they don’t think they deserve happiness and being with you would make them happy! Ugh!!! It sure fits into this wanting to help someone and save someone thing. WHY would I even want to be a part of this craziness??
I wish I understood co-dependency more. I don’t have a good grasp on what it is all about. All of the books I find on the subject focus on addictive relationships which do not apply to my circumstances.
Some guy called the other day and wanted to know if I would go with him to a music festival the next evening. It conflicted with a class I’m taking that I really love. I almost said yes and thought I would skip my class but then I said no. I decided I AM NOT going to give up something I love that is so important to me just to make some guy happy. I figure if he really wants to hang out with me he will respect the fact that I have something else important going on in my life and invite me to hang out some other time. I was proud of myself for not giving up my life for some guy.
I am working hard to find some activities to participate in just for myself. My goal is to make these activities just about me and to try NOT to give them up for anyone no matter who calls and wants something from me at the same time. So far it has been easy but I’m afriad it will get harder….especially if some guy comes in the picture.
I don’t have to keep other people’s dirty secrets or make excuses for them!
I have come to realize that I am nice to people and do things for people many times as a way to control them or a situation. It’s not a conscious thing but after I do somthing for someone else I realize that I’m so giving because I think if I do something nice for them then they will “owe” me. They will have to be nice to me, or be my friend, or spend time with me or whatever. But, I do like doing nice things for people too. I feel like this having to be nice all the time is something that is so deeply ingrained in me. I can hardly imagine saying no to someone who asks me to do a favor for them. Especially if it’s someone I really care about. I am JUST now figuring all of this out. I am going to have to somehow figure out where the line is between doing nice things for the right reasons and the wrong reasons.
I read the book. It gave me a greater understanding of how this whole thing works but it really didn’t give me a whole lot of ideas on how to deal with it. I does talk about realizing you can’t control someone else and detaching from the situation. When I get so upset that I almost feel sick I find that if I think that and just say the word detach to myself in my head it helps me calm down a little bit and realize I can’t control the situation. There is a lot in the book about the relationship between a codependent and the alcoholics in their life. I don’t have this issue. I would like to find a book to read about codependents who don’t have the whole alcoholism, addiction thing going on with the people in their lives.
I got the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie at the library today. I hope it will give me some insight.