learn to love myself more

Just when you think you have changed…
The tests just keep getting more and more difficult…
Loving myself is not just about the good, it is about accepting the bad too~ confronting my “shadows” and loving them/me anyway…

Easier said than done- I have had such a challenging year of growth

I am deeply saddened and extremely motivated. It has come to my attention that I have gotten lazy and I lack discipline. There are things I want to change but I get frustrated and just take the easy way out. I really want/need this change, my mind, body and spirit need for this to change. One change at a time…so until February 8th, I plan to wake when my body wakes me, instead of hitting the snooze. I will begin and prepare for the day by doing at least 5 Sun salutations- so that is 3 months of a new beginning each day. After that…I hope to incorporate another change.
Wish me luck!

It’s okay to love & care myself as much as I do for others…

I went to church yesterday, feeling like my spirit needed to be fed and although the sermon got a little to Evangelistic for me, there was a clear message that I got…
Its over. All the drama, the negative energy, its over. I have the courage to walk away, and know that I am ok.

I have the love of God, I have a heavenly father who loves me no matter what. Even when I forget to thank him, when I’m sad, happy or mad…he loves me. It is ok, to love myself just as much as God does and if Rah stays in my life or moves on…I will be just fine, because I am loved…and I know it.

I feel off balance and chaotic…I am too connected and am in need of some “me” time. I think I am going to go to a museum or 2 this weekend and start a new journal.

I am aware that it is not “him” that I like per se, it is how he makes me feel, that keeps me coming back. It is like a drug, this high I get when he holds me or kisses me and the memories keep a smile on my face. This, I am aware is a false sense, but it tides me over until…Is it wrong to want to have this feeling…I don’t have “feelings” for him, as in “I want you” but he has a way of drawing you in that is DANGEROUS. In part of loving myself, I have to be honest with myself and know that -yes I am somewhat using him, but I am aware that he is also using me, I hold the power and that is exhilarating…I control where this goes…and right now this is working for me.

I hate conflict, I hate negativity, and so to counter this, I often let crap roll off my back, but I have discovered that while not all things need to be addressed, I need to begin to stand up for myself more. I am not a door-mat, just because I am sweet woman who likes to see others happy doesnt mean that one can say or do anything to me. There is a hint of “people pleasing” within me, and like many a need for acceptance, but at what cost? Part of learning to love myself MORE is standing up, and speaking out and knowing that it is “OK” to sometimes make waves…
It is the violent waves crashing against the stone, that smoothes it out and reveals the history, trials and triumphs that lie beneath….

I need to pamper myself more…My bday I am going to a spa…but I need to find the little things -mini treats, if you will, like the cute un-mentionables and massages and small indulgences in ice cream—Dates/moments with myself.

I am far away in a city that is unforgiving…Searching for a support system, a companion-
desperately in need of being fulfilled, by what…I don’t know.
I know that my spirit needs healing…it needs to be filled to the brim…but I am scared of being lost in that world too…
I love me, and I need to take care of me MORE but it is so hard to feel so alone in this self-discovery phase…
Finding out who I am, this evolution is maddening
Its just me- I stepped out on a wing and a prayer…3 states, 6 hours away…so close, but so very far…
How will I survive my fulbright grant??

Its just me….1 is the magic number…

Why is it that mothers have this ability to build you up and 3 seconds later tear you down. I (try to) believe that it comes from a good place, but statements like “Men sometimes prey on and tend to think heavier women are easier or lonely…” really-REALLY stings…
I first feel bothered because 1. this makes me think that she thinks that I have no self-worth(she raised me better than that, why doesnt she see it?????), and 2. it can’t be that a man wants me, but they must have a motive?-dang mom!!

This just tells me that the relationship is not where I thought it was, and that she hasnt changed that much and Ill go back to keeping her in the dark about certain aspects of my life…
Part of learning to love myself more-is to stop searching for it from the same dead horse…she didn’t do it the 1st two and a half decades of my life..why start now…(she loves me, I know this but..yeah) ::sigh::
She says some pretty hurtful things, still…
Im loving me—-flaws and all

My Declaration of Self-Esteem
by Virginia Satir

I AM ME

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
Because I alone chose it – I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself – I own my fanatasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes Because I own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts – I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other
Aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me – However I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me – If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded – I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be
Productive to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me – I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me – I am me and

I AM OKAY