heal a broken heart

I’m okay :$

The problem is that you think you have time. I’ve been so busy these past few days thinking about everything that is not Nicholas. I have alot to do before the big move, and my mind has been constantly occupied. THere will be instances when his memory will linger in my heart and in my thoughts, but it is quickly replaced by some trivial, mundane emergancy that I am forced to attend to. And when I do, I push him so far back. He’s like my body jewellry, I’m so used to him there, that he feels like a part of my being.
I wrote a long letter to him, the “last letter”, and I think that helped me out alot. I managed to get out everything I was feeling, and I know for sure that what I feel for him is real and I do love him, but I have to live my life for myself.

I won’t send it ofcourse.

What is love, and what does it mean when you fall out of love? How do you ever get “over” someone, is that even possible? What does it mean to get “over” someone, and what does such a miraculous feat entail? How do you do it? What does it mean? And what happens after? How do you fall out of love. I for one, have lead my life to believe that such a thing is not possible. That true love never dies, it can only ever fade, and wait to re-emerge. I have raised myself to believe that if you find yourself “falling out of love” you were never >in< love to begin with. So, what is it exactly that you do when you “fall out of love”? A friend of mine said that you start “living”. But if that’s what you do, what do you do when you were “in” it? Do you wake up in the morning and feel nothing for another individual that you once felt everything for? Well, that’s what the term suggests atleast; “In love” and “Not in love”. They are polar opposites, yet in reality they seem too extreame for human emotions, or atleast my own.

I’ll bet its a gradual process, a step by step weakening of a collection of feelings you once attatched to someone. Yet I cannot imagine a life after love. A life that exists after you evasively “fall out” of something. What’s left? And what’s different from what you had when you were in it? From my current, personal experience, not a whole lot. I feel the same, I care the same. I imagine it may not be so intense in a few months time, but that is completely natural. Anything that is neglected, will fade, but is it really fair to say that it can be lost forever, especially if you are brave enough to call it “love”.

I can’t imagine my heart not dropping everytime I hear his name, or some fragemented details about the life he lives now. I can’t imagine his face not flashing behind my eyelids when a boy asks me out, and asks me “what’s wrong?”.

I can imagine a life after this, but I cannot imagine a life after love, because I believe that love is constant and endless. I believe I will always loev him, and I believe we will find our path, our direction.

Seems like like my “monthly relapse” is coming to a close, and they are always followed by a handful of days where I don’t wake up with this huge weight on me. I guess I should make the most of these days.
I wonder what determines the nature of my days? I would like to say me, and I’m sure that for the most part, it is, but I don’t know. Healing is such a complicated process and half the time I swear I don’t even know what I am doing.
I can’t wait to get this goal over and done with, so I can start on my next one, which is; Rekindle a lost love.

I found him once, I think I can find him again.

I can’t help but feel like it isn’t really over. And maybe thats okay. But I have to keep moving forward because that is the only place that anything good can come from this. Maybe one day I will be able to hold him again. But it can’t happen now. It can only happen when I am 100% over this hurt. So what am I doing sitting around feeling sad about it, when I know that I can only get what I really want when I feel better. Seriously, next time I think of something hurtful about him and what has happened, I’m going to force myself to think about something happy. I need this to be over more than you can imagine.