Continue to relax and let go; continue to be completely myself with him; low-key, no rules, little makeup, nothing fancy, just be... it feels SO good :)

“Hi, my name is Robin and I’m a Jimaholic”
“Hi Robin!”

I met up with him at the 5th Avenue Theater. We drove in separately. Saw a show that I didn’t care for so we left at intermission. Grabbed a bite to eat and I went home. Very different than in the past—seriously. I kind of laughed at him and told him I didn’t care that he’s a lech. He said he hates how he is but he is who he is. And I told him that I’d rather know the real him than that other facade.

That was it. No attempts at seduction. Just two flawed people trying to enjoy a moment.

The rules have changed: I’m no longer going to believe that he could ever be loyal to me (and so I’m no longer going to love only him while he sneaks around.) He knows that I’m going to see other people. I’m going to live my life and enjoy him when I can but I must hold on to the fact that he and I will never be more than friends with benefits.

I am a liberated woman. I just don’t care anymore, what he does. I think he’s kind of pathetic and funny.

I have this crazy relationship. Things go wrong between us all the time. I don’t trust him and it hangs over us when we would otherwise be having a pretty good time. He’s a big indecisive flirt: he can be wildly wonderful when things are good. When we get into a steady pace, it can be a little boring for both of us. I react by being bored. He reacts by stirring things up with other women. There have been two times when he hurt me deeply: once in March ‘06 and again in Sept. ‘06. He’s such a doofus during these times when he can’t decide between me and someone else. A selfish user.

So walk away, you say? Just tell him goodbye? It’s not that easy. Every time I have broken it off, we end up back together. Either he fights to get us back together or I do but we end up together again. Really together. Like talking about marriage together. And then the cycle starts up again.

And that, among other things, is part of the problem. We’re too damn black and white.

I’m going to try something new because, honestly, why the hell not? At this point I have nothing to lose.

This past Monday I found 50+ photos of one of his co-workers on his camera (she had a silk shell on and had lowered one strap off a shoulder – harmless photos but clearly flirtatious.) I told him that I’m going to start seeing other people (and of course I assume he will see other people too) but I also told him I still want him in my life.

I’m going to try to limit the drama. I won’t talk about any other men or prospects (that would be trying to stir up jealousy) So no talking about our other activities, but hopefully no need for me to be suspicious. I want to empower myself to not care. I don’t want to think of him in terms of a long term prospect (he’s not!) but I want to enjoy everything I can with him.

Why? I learn a lot from him. He can be very entertaining. The sex is fantastic. Honestly, he’s brilliant and I want to continue to have that influence in my life. But I don’t want him to BE my life anymore.

The question is: can I keep it in perspective when I’m with him? Can I remember the person he truly is and not try to make him feel guilty for simply being himself? I would like to try.

And it feels GOOD!

I am becoming more and more comfortable with him – but more importantly, with ME!

I am good enough as is. I am smart, wise, kind, beautiful, sexy, wonderful, nice. Simply put, I rock. :)

I am born again. I have forgiven someone and I am letting it go. This is more a gift to me than it is to him. Hallelujah! I have seen the light—but it took a leap of faith and a force of will to get myself here. I had to decide to be happy. I had to decide to focus on the positive. I can do this.

I don’t have to relive the pain of the past over and over and over again!!!!

WHOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Part of this is about spontaneity, relaxing and paying attention to what I want. Last night we went out for dinner, then back to his house. I just wasn’t “feeling it” last night. It felt forced. Normally I would have spent the night but I told him that I wanted to go home. He was totally cool with it (of course he would be.) There are so many times that I feel like I have to do this or that. I don’t.

It’s OK for me to feel tired and unenthusiastic about spending time with him. We get into these scheduling ruts because we have so much going on. According to the unspoken rules, we were due to have dinner, watch a dvd and spend the night together.

It was hard to say no but I did and it was received well. No big deal – as it should be.

I really feel liked in many ways, I’ve turned a corner. Like I’m starting to really “get it.” Living a healthy, mature life is actually very simple. Very simple.