not give in to depression

because I haven’t been feeling my best – both physically and mentally, and mentally a large part of the physically. I’m having some strange pains in my body right now, that the doctor cannot tell me the cause of – I’ve been twice, and had a blood test and ultrasound for my kidneys, but nothing turned up. And that’s just about all I need right now, a mysterious ailment that means I can’t exercise much or run or be physically active. No use wallowing in self-pity though – it is what it is, and I just gotta press on, and hope that it’ll either disappear by itself, or the doctor can tell me what it is, and it’s something I can recover from quickly. In the mean time, my main goal is to sort out my university stuff, and finish making the decision as to who to apply to, and actually making the application. I spoke to a very helpful careers advisor the other day (for the people in the UK, the Learndirect helpline people are lovely), so now have a better idea of the research I need to do. I’m leaning back towards going to a normal, non-distance-learning university, but we shall see.

I cried today. I hadn’t been able to cry, outside being having my eyes a bit wet when I’m moved by movies and books and such things, for years and years. I sobbed, and it was half a minute or so, but I felt like I got in touch with a part of myself again. It was reassuring to know I still can.

It’s not sadly anything I can talk about. And I’ll be okay. It’s hard, but I’ll be okay. And I plan to come back tomorrow, and pursue my goals with everything I have for the next five months. I’m sorry for not having been able to keep up with those of you who like to see me around – things have been very difficult. But I aim to check in pretty regularly from now on. I want to use this as the place for me to focus my life.

so that’s why I haven’t been able to give 43things the time I want to. Nothing I can’t work through though.

I’m sure I’d read at least parts of this, because I’m very familiar with parts of it – but it was only the other day when I was shown the whole thing that I knew where all of it was from.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

It was good for me to hear that.

not the greatest week ever. I’m back up now, I think. It took getting back on the guitar again and trying to write a song this evening. I haven’t played or made any music for a while, for many reasons. But I shouldn’t ever stop – it clears my mind, and keeps me going.

doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

- Mary Anne Radmacher

it’s called Feeling Good. It has the cheesiest title and cover – please don’t let that put you off. It’s a self-help book, yes. I don’t see why there is a problem with self-help books – the whole point of books is people passing on their wisdom, knowledge, advice and experience.

I want to recommend it because it’s really helped me. I can’t tell you whether it has simply come at the right time in my life – I’ve been struggling with depression for a long time, chipping away at it, and it may be that the book simply arrived at the right time, like someone easily opening a bottle after you’ve been wrestling with it for about ten minutes (heh). But I can tell you that the effect is dramatic – I see the world with a lot more clarity.

It is the most logical book I’ve ever read. If you’ve ever been depressed you’ve probably been through arguing with counsellors or therapists or family and friends about how hopeless things are, or how hopeless you are. You’ve probably always won, because depressive logic is hard and exhausting to argue with – but you wish that someone could show you how you are wrong, how life is not as bad as it seems to you, how you are not as bad as it seems to you. This book may just do that.

For the first time really I’ve felt like I can see the faults in my thinking. Most of the book is based on cognitive therapy and this list of ten cognitive distortions. I find the list in particular revelatory, and I feel that even people who are not depressed would have great use for it.

I’ve meant to write this recommendation for a while, but didn’t think I could do it justice – I’m still not sure I could do it justice. What more can I add? The book is very much focused on the present and what you can do to change things instead of the past. It gives concrete suggestions and exercises.

I’m not saying that this book has cured me of depression, but I feel like I’ve taken a great forward leap in progress. I hear it’s helped many others. It’s quite a cheap book too.

One more thing worth noting: the first time I skimmed through it, I didn’t like it much. It may take a couple of readings. The second time, it sank in.

that’s determined to stop me from any sort of happiness. I don’t know what it is.

I hate the word depression really, but whatever it is, it sends me into long periods of paralysis. And it’s so frustrating because so often I can see the changes I need to make to improve myself and my life. And yet…

I don’t know how to explain it. Take 43things, for example. I know I’ve been quite quiet, not writing much, not really seeming to be pursuing any of the goals I set myself. But I log in often, wanting to write, wanting to update, wanting to do all these things that I want to do, and some part of me just won’t let me do it. It’s like right now, my mind is just filled with static and noise. I feel as if I can barely form coherent sentences.

But I know, from past experience, that if I stay with it long enough, I’ll eventually push through to the other side, where my mind clears, and I become myself again. It’s just remembering that I can fight it.

I look back, and so much time has already been lost, and I don’t want to lose any more. I just need to keep active, no matter what.