Get off antidepressants.

I’ve been on them for ages now and they’re still not making me feel any different! I was on Paroxetine for just less than a month, but they were making me feel ill as well as dodging up my sleep (which has been ridiculous for years anyway), so I changed to Mirtazapine which would apparently help my sleep as well. That was really odd, the first time I took it I had the most vivid waking dreams it was insane. I’ve not had them again though, and my sleep is just as bad, and I feel just as crappy! The doctor said that cos I’d been on some form of medication anyway, it wouldn’t take as long for the new ones to take effect, but I’ve been taking them about 3 weeks now with no change whatsoever! At least they don’t make me feel ill I suppose. I’m just sick of this! The counselling has been crap as well. I’ve been having some sessions at the university counselling service, and I only get 5 sessions! I didn’t go to my last one so have wasted one already. Only have two left. Don’t really see the point in them though, at first I thought, great, I can talk about what’s going on and figure out what’s wrong, but it’s been really pointless. She just keeps telling me to motivate myself and make timetables and stuff so I actually do things instead of sitting on the sofa feeling like crap all day, but what the hell does she think I’m doing already! I spend all the time telling myself to do things, is just impossible to make myself! Is like I’m two people sometimes and the part of me that wants to sit around feeling miserable is completely taken over. The sensible side of me just doesn’t get a say any more, and there’s nothing I can do about it! I can’t bloody take this any more! Calm. Yeah anyway. There’s been some benefits. Since I’ve accepted that there IS something wrong with me and I’m not just making it up, and told my housemates what’s going on and stuff, my crying spells don’t last as long (cos I’m found pretty quickly and cheered up) and I haven’t cut myself in ages. I nearly did recently, but I didn’t which is good, cos before once I’d decided I was going to I wouldn’t be able to talk myself out of it. Sitting around is easier now though, which is bad, cos they know that I’m sitting around miserable cos I AM miserable not just cos I’m having a bad day, and so just sit around with me, whereas before they’d go on at me to do stuff. Suppose I should tell them to make me do things really but it’s too much effort. GOD I HATE THIS! Sorry for the ridiculously long post, I’m just getting things off my chest. I can’t do it anywhere else cos people who don’t know read my other blogs or whatever!

I haven’t been on them long, so they haven’t even started working yet, but I don’t want to be depressed. I know that’s obvious, but I mean I want to be fine, to not have to take pills to make me feel normal. I know it will take a while for everything to sort itself out, but I’m gonna keep looking towards the day I don’t have to take them any more. I’m not gonna be like this forever :).