learn to love

Well, I have a boyfriend now… we’ve been dating for a couple months now… and I feel absolutely nothing for him. It’s so horrible. It’s weird because I do enjoy spending time with him and hanging out, but I just don’t feel anything.

I think I was capable of loving in the past, but there was this one guy… let’s just say he ruined me. And I’m not sure yet if I’m a vase that can be glued back together or a piece of glass that is shattered beyond belief…. but whichever one I am, this guy hasn’t brought it to the surface…

I wonder now, should I stay?

This weekend I was talking to an old friend and he kept trying to hook me up with a current, mutual friend, who I sort of liked in the past. But he kept asking me all these questions about what I look for in a guy and I really couldn’t give him a straight answer. A couple of the guys there said they love legs and lips and other physical features about women… I know I’m attracted to intelligence, someone I can have a decent conversation with, but other than that, I really don’t know. I like a lot of things about people… on some guys I like a shaved head, on others the shaggy look. Some guys I like are super smart and others are the funny guy of the group…

What I’m wondering is, I guess, is if it is bad to not know what I want specifically or is it better? I can see it both ways, I mean, I don’t want to have too high of expectations, but I don’t want mine to be so low that I fall for anyone. So what is the happy medium, or is there even one at all?

So, a couple of weekends ago, I met this guy. And I’m sure he’s interested, but I can’t seem to let myself get over the small stuff. Is it that I’m just so picky (all my friends say I am), or am I being smart in not settling for less than what I think I deserve? There are a few pretty big things about him that I don’t like. I can’t even say them, not even here (is that b/c I’m being shallow or b/c they are simply that bad?). Well, I can say one thing here… he’s into drugs, and I’m so not… I think it’s so obvious we are different, but he’s still calling… I don’t get it. When will this happen for me??? Will it ever?

I think I have a hard time with this because of my family and the way I was raised. I was thinking about it today and it seems like the older I got, the more I felt I was on my own. I’m not saying I ‘blame’ anyone, but really, isn’t it the parents who are supposed to guide you and prepare you for life and be good role models? My father died and my mother remarried when I was really young so I often wonder how different it would be if my father were here… Perhaps it’s that lack of a (competent) male figure in my life that makes this so hard for me… most girls crave attention, but maybe I’m the complete opposite…

...I will surely break.

Okay, this may be one of the most difficult goals for me as well. I don’t even know what to write. I think I’ve just been burned so many times that it’s hard to let go and be loved, much less love someone else… even with my family, saying ‘I love you’ is not something I find easy… and that saddens me… maybe it’s all part of growing up… or maybe this is something I’m supposed to overcome.