find myself

I never really had an great sense of self but I never was completely lost either. I don’t know…I seem to have been building different pieces of myself and I self-analyze a lot. I also psychoanalyze myself quite frequently although that has lessened as years go by. Thank goodness because I usually focused on negative stuff and not positive things. If I’m going to analyze myself, I should do it in a balanced way.

I recently went back “home” (where I grew up and where my parents still are) for a two week visit and I seem to totally regress!!! I became the “old” me, whoever that was, who was so incredibly lazy and slothful and dependent on parents and stuff. I hated it. I hated the way I automatically became.

My mother came back to my “new place” with me (same flight) and within an hour, I was already wishing she is staying in a hotel. I’m just so frustrated with her. Our relationship is nothing to be wanted for. It’s…complicated. But we’re not the best of friends. I love her and she loves me but love is nothing to do with “getting along” peacefully. ARGH!!!! I wish I could actually really blow up at her but she’s paying the bills (for now, until I graduate and repay it) and I can’t jeopardize that. And I think that has a huge part in my frustration – that I’m so damn financially NOT independent, you know? It’s such a sore point with me. I just have to bottle everything up and stuff. breathes

the strength in me whenever things are thrown my way. I deal with a lot of personal issues (as do many other people, I know, but our own unique personality traits combinations lead us to react differently). I am currently in a bad state of mind and fighting it. I am trying so hard to fight it and to just stay strong no matter what.

The more “shit” happens, the more I see myself learning to not fall apart or fly apart or crumble or whatever – instead, I just have to stand up straight, accept it, and keep working hard. That’s all there is to it.

~list 100 things I want in life (goal)
~create a vision board (goal)
~create a personal travel map (goal)

I think the first 2 will really help. It’ll cement what I truly want – my passions and get rid of the superficial I might be harboring in my mind. I hope it’ll work. I’m banking on it because I don’t know any other way to refocus. I feel as if I’m lost and I can’t find who I am or who I thought I was, at least. I’m changing so fast and so much my brain can’t keep up. It’s such an odd feeling.

“To venture causes anxiety. Not to venture is to lose oneself.”
- Kierkegaard

Interesting. So does this mean I should venture out more? In what aspect? In what time? In what energy? I’m so stressed…

I just graduated with a BA in English but I’m going to a vocational art school now. I only spend a year here, but I think that in the process of gaining these skills, I’ll also find my own voice in the art I create. I hope.

In finding out my artistic style, this might lead to my fashion style and myself as a whole. :)

I wish I could be comfortable in my own skin.

How do I find myself when I’m struggling just to keep my head above the water?

I saw this site FutureMe.org and it’s where you write letters to the future you – it’s cool. I did that in elementary as part of a class project and when we graduated high school, those letters were mailed to us – and it was AMAZING. I loved it. It was so exhilarating to read that stuff. I’ve been doing in on my own for a while – writing letters to be opened 2 or 3 years later…it’s so much fun. The longer, the better, but I tend to be impatient.

Maybe reading more of the letters of the past will help the future me to discover what was really going on through my brain without me even knowing (the subconscious)...I hope.

:D

I need to get out of this place I’m in. This emotional place. I feel so stagnant.

I used to hate journaling because I was really lazy to write by hand (but I was great at blogging online).

I’ve taken it up again but I’m not giving myself any specific “I have to journal everyday” but rather, I journal when I want. And I’m discovering more and more than when I write about things I care about, rather than what I did that day or superficial stuff, I learn more about myself and the people around me.