write it down - whatever it is

Sunday morning
cold air outside
sunshine streaming through the windows
cosy inside, snuggly.

But you’re not here
I miss you

Sunday morning
Two Flat Whites
the Sunday papers
Sport & Travel
Body & Soul

But you’re not here
I miss you

Waiting ‘til Tuesday
when you come home.

_{JW 27 May 12}

This morning I took my Mum out for Breakfast, to celebrate Mother’s Day (tomorrow). We always go out the day before/after the actual day to avoid crowds. Dad usually comes along for the ride too but he opted to stay home this time.

Mum & I have always had ‘issues’ but I have made slow progress over the past 2-3yrs to change my ways of dealing with and managing being with her and it has improved things BUT…one thing never changes. No matter what I do for her, how much time I spend with her, how often I call her or talk to her on the phone, it’s never, ever enough. Ever!

For hours after spending time with her, I’m riddled with feelings of guilt; thinking I should have stayed longer, done more etc..But honestly, I just can’t. I get to a certain point (after 3-4hrs of being with her/in the family home) whereby I just need to go. If I don’t, I get super up-tight and we end up arguing.

It’s come to the point of late that I’ve started giving her warning as to when I’m going to be heading off, i.e. “I’ve got to get going in 20mins Mum, is there anything you’d like me to do for you before I go?”. She just ignores this, like I haven’t said anything then when I’m getting my bag & keys she says “Oh,so you’re leaving me now. You never come over and help me with anything or take me anywhere”.

This riles me endlessly.

I’ve made many attempts at talking to her to explain how I feel and she just says ‘you shouldn’t feel guilty for anything, I don’t expect you to be here when you don’t want to be’, which only makes me feel worse!

It drives me insane that Mum has no respect for any of us (family) but she does for friends/outsiders. If we make arrangements to pick her up at 10am to go somewhere, she will undoubtedly put a load of washing on at 9.40am and expect you to wait til it’s done & she’s ready to go after you get there. Or, she’ll make a phone call to someone just before you’re due to turn up and won’t end the conversation til she’s ready after you’ve arrived. There are certain people she wouldn’t dare do that to but to myself, Dad and my brothers, she has no qualms in thinking we have nothing else to do. Even if we say we need to be elsewhere at a certain time, she’ll do whatever she can to ensure you’re with her right up til the last second or, she’ll ensure you’re late for the next thing on your agenda! It REALLY, REALLY IRKS me!

I love her to bits and I know that when it’s her time to leave this universe, I’ll be devastated but for over 35yrs I’ve been gritting my teeth with frustration. How on earth my Dad has found the patience to wait in silence is beyond me and I wish that what we all do for and with her was enough!

My head and my heart tells me that will never be so. No matter what, it will never be enough.

Last weekend I decided to scan the wanted & freebies section of an online classifieds. D & I had decided to give away a spare Queen Size mattress & base and I remembered these ads from previous give aways I’d made a couple of years back.

I was shocked to discover just how many people out there are doing it tough, for all sorts of reasons!

After narrowing the ads down to the most (what I thought) desparate, I began calling numbers hoping to find a happy & willing bed recipient! Three numbers were disconnected and the others just went to voicemail, to which I left a message & my number to call back if interested.

The only condition attached to giving away the bed was that whoever got it would have to collect it as we have no means of delivering. In perfect condition, a special chiropractic mattress about 5yrs old would probably have still been worth around $300.

Within an hour I got a call from Joe who lives about 15kms away. He has been sleeping on a roll-up mat on the floor at his brothers house for the past 6mths; he hasn’t got a job and his brother won’t lend him money to buy a bed. He said he’d ask his brother for a loan of his ute to come & pick the bed up.

Joe called me back an hour later, his voice a few decimals louder than it had been earlier – he was upset as his “arsehole of a brother”, as he put it, wouldn’t lend him the ute! Sadly, Joe is still sleeping on the floor I guess.

Two days later I got a call from Luke, a very polite young guy who said he was calling in reply to my message left on his girlfriend’s voicemail. They lived only 15mins away and he offered me $50 for the bed if I’d agree he could pick it up early the next morning. They were desperate to get off the thin foam mattress they’d been sleeping on with their 4yr old for the past 18mths in the house they shared with 2 others!!!

D & I agreed he could come round the next morning.

Luke, a lofty and quite serious young fellow who enjoys his tucker it seems, turned up at 8am sharp with George, a complete contrast -jovial, stumpy and barefooted, in a beat-up Mitsubishi with a ‘hire-a-trailer’ in tow.

The 3 of us (D was at work) maneuvered the bed base & mattress out of the bedroom, down the stairwell & out to the trailer. It took just on an hour, a lot of sweat and a bit of frustration but we did it!

I had asked Luke if he wanted to lie down on the bed before taking it, to make sure it would be comfortable. His reply was, “No, I’m not allowed ‘til me girlfriend gets home from work tonight. I asked ‘er to marry me last night & she said yeah, so tonight will be the first time we’ll have a proper bed to sleep in!” I almost cried.

Luke offered me the $50 but I said no, don’t worry – take it as an engagement present. George grinned from ear to ear whilst rolling a durrie at the same time as tying the mattress onto the trailer.

They drove off. I waved goodbye & just sat in the garden for a while, thinking.

I felt good that day. Really really good.

_{pic from the internet}

Sometimes I just want to ….........ARGHHHHHHH!!!!

I wonder what on earth possesses me to open my mouth?

Fully aware of how others are feeling & what they’re dealing with. Fully aware, I still can’t control the urge to blabber out my own selfish needs amidst their crisis.

What possesses me to do this? Insecurity? Selfishness? or just plain stupidity?

Whatever it is, I hate it about myself!

Nothing seems the same. Nothing looks the same.
There never seems to be enough time in the day.
Tired and rushed.
Too exhausted to think at the day’s end.
It’s a merry-go-round
and round
and round
I want to get off!

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring
No-one here is snoring!

Gotta get out of bed
with an aching head

a lazy day for us
but it’s off to work
again in the morning!

_{JW 26 Jan 2012}

Sometimes I wonder about the way things roll?

All will be going well; life seems perfect and happiness abounds then, without fail…a spanner flings itself in the works and shakes things up a bit. Then another thing happens to add to it, and another – always in 3’s, right?

Soon, things settle down and another high presents itself and the cycle starts again.

_{JW just pondering}

Unbelievably, I got my purse back!

For some bizarre reason, last Thursday (exactly 1 week after losing it) I went to buy a sandwich at lunchtime in a cafe I don’t usually go to. While I was waiting, the random thought to ask the staff whether they’d had a purse handed in, popped into my head?

The response was ‘No, sorry love but you could try asking at the cafe next door’.

Sandwich in hand I went next door & asked the young girl behind the counter. She gave me a very strange look, then smiled, then reached behind the cash register and held up my purse!!!.

You wouldn’t believe my amazement! And to find that everything was still in it – including all the money & my driver’s licence, Wow! Such an incredible relief and such an unexpected turn of events.

Apparently one of their regular customers found it outside on the street and brought it in. The cafe owner was going to keep it ‘til the Friday (which would have been a week) then take it to the police if noone claimed it.

There are Angels watching over us! :-)

At lunchtime today, just after ordering a nice Chicken & Avocado sandwich, I discovered my purse wasn’t in my handbag!

Sandwich cancelled, I bolted back to the office thinking my purse must have fallen out of the bag onto the floor or desk?? UhUH…nope!
Not there.

It was then that the day got shoddy! Between 12:15 & 1232pm

I left the office to go back to the railway station where I bought a coffee this morning. That was the last time I used my purse. Between 8:00 & 8:15am.

The coffee cart guy was so incredibly helpful but unfortunately, nothing was handed in. He did suggest tho’ that I should report it to the station Police & that they could probably go through the CCTV footage to see if I’d dropped it or anyone had snatched it from my bag? (I doubted this as even I find it difficult to get into the damn bag – it actually drives me crazy!).

The Police, Bless them, were so NOT interested :-/ They had better things to do – like go to their Xmas Party!!! Every single police officer I spoke to passed the buck to another. Finally, a nice young chappy named Graham said he’d help & go thru the CCTV for me & catch up to the others later! (Gee, thanks Graham)

Unfortunately, the CCTV was of no help except in showing me just how disinterested everyone looks between the hours of 8:00 & 8:30am when passing through the station!

The officer directed me to the station’s Lost Property dep’t. They had nothing there either.

So, I scanned & scoured the ground tracing my morning’s walk back to the office but no success. I left the office early and went to the bank to cancel cards, then onto the Dept of Transport to sort out a replacement Driver’s Lic. Whoa! They want $50 bucks to do this along with strict i.d. certificates which of course, I didn’t have on me.

BIG SIGH

There was roughly around $20 in my purse and the bank card was sorted within minutes. I don’t care about these things but my photographic driver’s licence is now in the hands of someone I don’t know. It has my address and date of birt on it too and weirdly, I’m feeling a bit too exposed – and pissed off. :-(

Perhaps whoever has my purse and/or driver’s licence will feel inspired to contact me and give it back or somehow send the licence back to me. They can keep the $$ as a Xmas bonus! Ho bloody Ho!

NOT Happy :-(

Just opened a fellow 43’ers page to CHEER them and virtually at the very same time, all the cheers I had disappeared into thin air!!

mean Cheer Fairy!