stop smoking

I still haven’t smoked.
I was waiting for the bus last night and someone lit up. The smell grossed me out at first and I imagined how horrible it would taste to smoke one now. But, then I thought about how in the past I haven’t liked the taste, but I ‘re-learn’ to like it. It dawned on me that I’ll probably always want one. Not that I’ll have a craving for it all the time, but that I might very well be one of those people who don’t smoke for years and then fall off the wagon. I remember a long time ago talking with a woman who hadn’t had a cigarette in about 3 years and I asked her if she still craves them. She said any time she gets more than a little drunk, when she’s stressed, and a few other things that I can’t remember now, would trigger her cravings. At the time I remember thinking that when I quit, I’d quit and think it was gross and never want one again. But now I’m starting to re-think that.

Oregon has now banned smoking in bars, so when I went out to play pool last night it was hard to not think about smoking because pool and being in a bar have always been a trigger for me. My friend went outside to smoke a few times and I could have joined her, but I stayed inside enjoying my lungs. I’m way past the physical withdrawal stage-my doc said that only last up to 3 days. Anything after that psychological. So I did what I have done in the past when I’ve tried to stop-I tell myself that I’ll wait until tomorrow and if I still want one then I’ll have one (which I know by that point the craving will be gone) or I think about all the times I’ve been disappointed with myself after smoking when I’ve been doing so well. So as day 10 sans cigarettes rolls into the evening I feel good, strong and confident that I’ll be able to kick it for good this time.

I’ve taken many breaks from it over the last 15 years…sigh… and I’m only 30. Right now my mom’s mother is on hospice with a tumor that spread from her lungs to her liver, spleen and pancreas. It’s huge. I’ve wanted to stop before and have been able to for up to a year. I know at those times I have gone way past any physical addiction that I had and what was left was the physiological addiction. I love cigarettes and a beer while playing pool or pinball. But I love the idea of being able to breath and not have COPD when I’m older. Plus, nurses that smoke are so tacky.