Be more confident, stop worrying about what other people will think of me and just be myself

I’ve been struggling with this one for the last couple of weeks. I think what it comes down to is learning to accept myself 100% and not apologizing for who I am. I’m getting there, but sometimes my ackwardness gets the best of me. I wish that I was a more graceful person.

I was talking to R the other day and he mentioned what a change he has seen in me this year and that I really should be proud of myself for how far I’ve come. And with all due humility I have to agree with him and say that yes, I am proud of myself too. It’s been a tough two years, but I think I’ve finally crawled out of the big black hole that I dug for myself. The self hatred and loathing are gone. My confidence is back and I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself again—no matter what comes my way. I think it might be time to retire this goal!

I have another hair appointment tomorrow. This time for a cut and a color. I’m excited, but also a bit apprehensive. Silly, I know, but the old fear/low self esteem thing keeps popping up and telling me I don’t deserve it or I’m not good enough and everyone knows it so why am I even trying to do this?!

“Shut up,” I say.

This is going to sound really stupid to anyone besides me, but oh well. Today I went and got my haircut at the OP Salon. My very first professional haircut. I am so proud of myself for doing this because I’ve wanted to do it for a very long time but have always been scared to. I know that sounds really strange—being scared to get your haircut, but I think it comes down to self confidence and self worth. Before I never felt like I deserved to go someplace like that because I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, dressed well enough or because I had bad hair. Now I can see how stupid that kind of thinking is and like everything else, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be once I did it. The lady who cut my hair was really nice and we had a good conversation. I was a little worried that I didn’t tip enough (I actually tipped 20%), but overall I think I did ok and I am proud of myself for doing this. A simple haircut.

I’ve been making pretty good progress on this goal. Yesterday I retook a self-esteem test that I took last year and the changes in my answers were pretty dramatic. I’ve gone from a self-esteem rating of zero to an eight. Looking back on it now, it’s hard for me to even comprehend how little I valued myself as a person. I can see and understand how I got to that point, but I’ve decided that I will never ever treat myself in that way again.