keep in touch with my family even if they don't reciprocate

This week I talked to my mom, dad, brother, ex-husband and a couple of friends that I have not talked to for a very long time. I really want to keep this goal up because it is making such a difference in my life. All this time I thought people wouldn’t be happy to hear from me, but it just isn’t true at all. I know I have some work to do on some of these relationships, especially the ones that I neglected for so long, but I feel really good about making the effort and keeping it up long term.

Before I left on my trip to MA, my dad called. I was so happy! It definitely helps to know that he cares and is making an effort.

I called my dad a couple of days ago and he was really happy to hear from me. We chatted for a little while about the weather and what we were doing and then the conversation got more serious and turned to family issues. Namely why no one in my family talks to each other. Why no one wants to have anything to do with anyone else. In addition to my parents, I have two brothers and I would like to have a relationship with everyone in my family, but at times it seems immpossible. It feels like no one wants to make any kind of effort to be a family or have a relationship. I told my dad how hard it is to be a part of this family. To feel like you can’t ever ask for help if you needed it. To feel like you’re completely on your own. I told my dad that I had no idea how he felt about me. How I’ve always made an effort to call and go home to visit, but that I always felt like it wasn’t good enough and that he didn’t like me as a person. I told him that he was half of this relationship and he needed to make an effort to keep it going too.

He told me that he loved me and that he did the best he could raising us and that looking back on it now he sees he wasn’t always a good example and that he wished he could have done better. He acknowledged that he was half the relationship and that he would make an effort to show that he was. He said that he would call me next time.

This phone call was a really big deal. For some strange reason I haven’t been able to tell anyone about it. Also, I was planning on calling my mom the same day, but I still haven’t managed it. I’m not sure why, but something is holding me back. I think maybe I’m scared. Scared that he won’t call or scared that now that the relationship is changing I can’t hold onto all the hurt feelings I used to have. Or that now too I have to make more of an effort to keep this going.

How bizarre is that? Getting what you want and being scared of it.

I told myself that this month I would send a card to both of my parents with a little note asking how they were and letting them know I was doing fine. I called and wrote to both of them at the beginning of January and decided that I would call or write every other month. Right now I am sitting here wondering “what’s the point?” because I know they will never call or write me back. My Dad has not called or written to me since I left home at age 18. That was 18 years ago. I haven’t seen or spoken to my Mom in 11 years. She left us when I was 5 and lives in another country in a culture that tells her she should be ashamed of her children because they are of mixed race. They both suffer from addictions and depression and don’t seem very happy with their lives. I’ve spent a lot of time being angry at them, but over the past several years I have felt more and more sorry for them and their unhappiness and I see them now as human beings just like me. They’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I am certain that they were always doing the best they could with what they knew, just like me. I hope that one day they will learn to stop punishing themselves and others for their mistakes and learn to forgive. Most days I feel that I have forgiven them and moved on and that is why I wanted to do this. Maybe I just needed to remind myself.

I want to have the peace of mind of knowing that I reached out to them and made an effort even if they don’t write or call me back. I want to be able to say that no matter how far apart we are or how many years have passed I never gave up on them.