Envision, create & manifest our best selves with the help of friends on the same path; to hold each other accountable, to encourage, to inspire and to celebrate.

Just figured I’d stop in, see how everyone is doing. I needed some time off to recenter myself, get things in perspective…the usual. How’s everyone else?

I’ve missed you all terribly. Unfortunately, this has gotta be short, sweet and to the point, I’ve got next to no time. My computer’s been broken for the past two months, so I haven’t been able to get online or anything. I just wanted to pop in, say hello, let you know I’m very happy to read all your entries, and miss you all tonnes, can’t wait to hear more from all of you. I’m doing alright, you’ll hear more later, promise.

xoxo,
Jessi

Ladies!!! It’s so good to speak to you all again. I’ve missed you all tonnes loads and it’s so good to see everyone doing well. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. What with work at the camp and then my laptop broke and arghhhhhh all kinds of craziness. Uhm…super quick update cus it’s reallt late and I’ve got camp manana.

I wound up not breaking up with Fred after all. Things worked out. We had a really long talk, things are much better now. I really do love him.

Writing courses were awesome. I loved every minute of it, and I’ve got tonnes of new prompts and fun ideas for things to write about.

Weight loss has been excrutiatingly slow, and I’ve kinda stopped caring. I’ll start up again during the school year, when I can still to a routine. My goal is to be down 8 lbs by the end of sept. Very do-able.

Camp is amazing. The kids there are my heroes. I love them all to bits and it ends this friday and I’m gonna bawl my eyes out. more to come about them.

Keep up the posting girls, I love to hear what’s new! Hope everything’s going well and WELCOME to the new peeps! Talk to everyone soon. <3333333 Luvs ya!!

Jessi <3

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately you guys. I’ve been really busy, and just haven’t been able to find the time to respond to people’s entries. Over the next few days, I plan on doing so.

Just a brief update. Things have been really really shitty, and they seem to be getting worse, not better. I haven’t lost a pound, I’m back on those pills, my insomnia’s kicking in, and to top it all off, i’m about to break up with Fred.

Basically, I’ve had enough. It’s been two years and oh, it’s too much to go into right now, but I love him more than I thought it was possible but I’m just not feeling like the feeling is requited anymore and I can’t stand the second guessing and the crying and all of this stuff.

This is possibly the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. I really really thought he was the one. And he made me believe he thought we were soul mates, meant to be. and now i’m feeling like a foolish little girl who bought the lies of a guy and let him fuck around with her heart. I’m doubting everything, and everyone, including myself….

:( It’s good and it’s bad. It’s good to know you’re not the only preson, but bad cus I feel bad whinging. So I’ll keep this short and sweet. My boyfriend, Fred, lives in England. We’ve been together almost two years, keeping in touch via instant messaging and skype. Most of my problems with our relationship (which there aren’t many) spring from the fact that I have serious trust issues. All my life I’ve been hurt by people (emotionally, sexually, physically), primarily men, so I have serious problems regarding trusting anyone enough to really open up to them. and I also have a lot of self esteem issues. Fred has been there for me throughout these past two years nad has really helped me sooo much is opening up to him and other people. And well, last night, he totally shot that all down.He was supposedly joking, and I know he apologized for being insensitive, but it’s the fact that he thought it that ruins all the progress I’ve made. Basically, I said something about how when people ask me about him, I don’t refer to him as my internet boyfriend, even though we only talk online, i just say he’s my boyfriend. And he replied. “Babe, this is the internet. Not real life.” Which just pretty much killed me. He went on to say something about how it’s a nice fantasy while it lasts etc. He apologized right after, and felt really bad, he didn’t know what drove him to say it, and how he couldn’t bare to lose me etc etc etc. And the fact is, I love him to pieces, even though I fear he’s not as serious about us as I am. I just don’t know. I feel really shitty, cus it really justified every fear and insecurity I have and I feel myself shutting down inside. I gave freely of my time, and my love, i seriously love him with everything within me, and he just thinks of it as a nice fantasy? Whether or not he meant, it still hurt to see those words come from his lips after all these years of assuring me he doesn’t feel that way. I just don’t wanna get hurt anymore, i’m so tired of it. It’s so much easier to be hard and not care, physical relationships are so much more meaningless. And easier. You get the fun within the tangled web of emtions. God, I just don’t know.

Men, huh?

I’m having a random freak out moment. It suddenly hit me that I’ve screwed up too much to get into any Ivy League college and I’m just seriously feeling like a failure. On top of that, I miss my boyfriend like crazy and he hasn’t been online in a while and we haven’t spoken in even longer and it’s just because he’s been trying to actually sleep at night and what with the time difference and all we just can’t seem to connect. I miss him so much… ugh. I’ve been thinking alot about an ex of mine, I keep meaning to send his photo into PostSecret, just to get him and all that baggage off my mind, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. And on top of all of that, a cousin who I want nothing to do with ever again because of something that happened is back in town and he just called and caused all these horrible memories to come flooding back… I can’t seem to keep writing, I’m sick and tired and just arghhhh. I’m really just afraid everything I wanted for my future is falling apart. College…well… I screwed up my chances to get into any of the ones I wanted. I haven’t gotten A’s at all in the past few years and my chances are just non-existant. I’m so at a loss right now.

Hey!! I’m back! Well, for the weekend at least. Like I said, I’ve been going non stop. This weekend has been filled with planning and all that good stuff. So apparently, I’ve booked myself out up until the last week of August, I miss you guys, but I’ve been reading everyone’s post via email, so I have an idea of what’s going on. Lisa, that’s an awesome opportunity! It’s really exciting and good luck!! Keep us informed! Shortstack, that’s so exciting! It’s really cool to see everybody’s hopes and aspirations coming true, and it just encourages me further. Searedheart and lilvanilla, I completely relate. I was running yesterday (in my new running shoes!!) and I suddenly realised how much I truly enjoy it. I hate getting all sweaty and gross, but the sound of my sneakers pounding on the concrete is actually really relaxing. I’m looking forward to going again soon. Keep it up girls! MyEyesOpen, I completely understand where you’re coming from, but try to keep your head up. Sometimes people just don’t understand unless they’ve been where you’ve been. On another note, sooooo excited about the job! Congrats! RedHibiscus, the college thing is tough, but hang in there hun. Don’t burn yourself either tho. I did that last year, wound up in the hospital. I was literally running on about a 3 hours of sleep for an entire week and I started hallucinating and nearly passed out in my shower. Bad, bad times. Have faith, but do try and be realistic as well. Good luck!!!

Let’s see… in other news, I’ve decided that for every two pounds I lose, I’m going to reward myself with something special, like new shoes or a mani/pedi. I just got my eyebrows done, which was in serious need, lol, but it felt good to take care of myself more. I bought some new bath salts too, so I might go for a soak in a few minutes. But yeah, I’ve decided to pamper myself as a reward. I finally got my bike back, so I can go riding again, hopefully ride to school once it starts, and I’m just genuinely excited about life!!

Hey girls! I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been really busy with camp and getting ready for my course and stuff. Literally, I don’t get home until 5:30, I eat dinner and I’m out. Anyway, I can’t stay and talk, I gotta go, just stoppin by to say hey!

“Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is.”
- Erich Fromm

BTW, you can call me Jessi

Just a few things I forgot to mention, or touched on, but want to expand on.

1) I have an amazing boyfriend, you’ll definitely hear alot about him. He lives in England, I’m in New York, so it’s sorta been difficult, but we’ve been together for the past two years and helped each other through alot. He taught me alot about trusting men (i’ll expand on this in a bit) and about loving myself. I don’t think I’d be the person I am today with him. I thank him for my sense of confidence and trust.

2) I’m a struggling Christian. I was raised in the church, and have no doubt in my mind that God exists, but I have definitely backsliden more than once. I’m working towards bettering myself as a child of God.

3) My parents are seperated, and I’ve experienced abuse on both ends. My mother used to be physically abusive, and it got pretty bad a couple of years ago before finally stopping this year. My father, since I was old enough to understand him, taunted me about my weight, the way I dressed, my hair, everything. He was an absentee father, and did alot of things that caused me to have serious trust issues with men. I finally adressed my mother about the abusiveness, and she did stop, but I still flinch away from being touched sometimes. My father has only recently stopped commenting on my appearance, but he replaced it with a constant lecture about how dissappointed he is in me. Because of that, it’s taken a long while for me to find my own self-worth, and while I haven’t completely, everyday it gets easier for me to find something I love about myself.

4) I’ve suffered from more than one eating disorder. As a child, I was an emotional eater, which is why I got to the weight I am now. contributing to that was the fact that we never had alot of money, and so when there was food to eat, I scarfed it down, in fear there wouldn’t be more. As I got older, that transformed into not eating. I was diagnosed as EDNOS or eating disorder not otherwise specified. I popped alot of diet pills, and wound up in the hospital because of it. Nothing serious, don’t worry, but I went in with serious pains in my stomach. However, I still have cravings to take some, and everyday I battle to not take any. Just like everyday I have to control myself and monitor what I do and don’t put into my mouth. It’s not gone, but everyday I get a step closer to conquering it.

4) I had a few bad habits, like smoking, which I kicked not too long ago. It was one of the most difficult things to do, but I did it, and am so proud of myself for it.

5) I have a lot of regrets, some of which I won’t get into just yet. But I believe in living in the present, so I’ve learned to accept my mistakes and learn from them, but not to wallow in them.

6) I am a music junkie. I love music with a passion, and I love listening to new bands and genres. I also love reading and writing with a passion, I love fiction books, and write alot of fiction as well. I haven’t written a book, and I don’t think my work is any good, but I love to do it. I feel like writing is such a release and for me, it’s like a drug. I also love poetry, and while I’m not a poet, it’s something I love to do.