admit what I really want

not just surface stuff, but baseboards & windows. I keep the floors & kitchen counters very clean indeed, but my zeal wanes after that. Nick’s caregiver keeps my plants alive & dishes washed, and does Nick’s laundry.

But I need more, and I shall get it. Yesterday, Nick’s temporary caregiver was telling me she had started cleaning houses again, so I asked her about it. She does baseboards and windows, and once a month her hubby comes with her and cleans porches and outsides of windows. Have I died and gone to heaven? I think so! I told her to give me a week to clean up for her . . . that is, to get everything put up so she can clean . . . and they can start next saturday with a full cleaning. I am going to have her over twice a month. Yay!

Right now, I want chocolate.

like the ones I had tonight. My students were testing in the school’s Testing Center, and I brought page proofs to index as they tested. I spread them out on a small table, and it occurred to me as I worked that everything was perfect.

The table was just big enough, and there was nothing on it but my work. The room was quiet, cool, and uncluttered. All I could hear was the hum of the air conditioner as cool air fell on me. Yes, fell. It was not blowing on me, it was descending.

I was so happy working there that after the last student finished and left, I stayed for half an hour until what would have been the normal ending time for my class, working on my index.

Indexing a book is boring, meticulous work, but I was focused: no ADD, no boredom or restlessness, no annoyance at interrupting my work as each student finished the test.

It was so, so, perfect.

I have never had it in my life . . . until now. I have always been practical, kept my cars eight or ten years, bought vehicles with good gas mileage, and bought used. (I have had 2 new cars over the years, but it’s not the norm.)

But ever since last September or so, I have been thinking about a new car. A nice, midsize SUV, to be exact. And when I say nice, I mean nice. As in leather seats, GPS, keyless entry . . . all the features I have never had in a car.

How bad do I have it? The car ads are the first thing I look at. Edmunds.com is bookmarked.

Just shoot me.

Saturdays off.

Technically, I have Saturdays off. I do not go to my office, I do not teach classes. However, a good part of my work is done at home: working on my books, grading papers, planning and making out agendas for classes.

And for some reason, I will not give myself a day off. I wake up every Saturday thinking about what I should do. Do I do it? No. But I worry about it all day until I finally say, “It can wait till tomorrow.”

So I officially declare, in front of 43T and everybody, that I do not have to work or think about work on Saturdays. In fact, I hereby forbid myself to do anything on Saturdays but have fun!

not to have to worry about my lawn.

As it is now, I have to call one person to get rid of my weeds, another to cut my grass and edge the lawn, and yet another to trim bushes. I do the pinestraw myself. What a pain in the butt.

I talked to someone yesterday about spraying weeds and fertilizing. He said he also does yesr-round lawn service which includes trimming bushes, putting down pinestraw, edging, mowing, cleaning gutters, and vacuuming leaves off the lawn in winter.

He is going to work up an estimate for me and give it to me next week.

I really want this service. Hope I can afford it!

at a conference in April. It’s one that I usually attend, but I have not been for two years because of hubby’s situation.

My friend and colleague S. and I were talking last week, and we came up with an idea (that was not even what we were trying to do, we just think well together). We recruited another person to the cause, and S. wrote up and sent in our proposal.

I think I can do this. If hubby’s caregiver is up for an overnight stay, and if I can get someone to come and help her the next morning, I should be able to do it. I will have to make sure hubby is up for it, and maybe have the CNA who comes on weekends agree to be an emergency contact.

It’s time for me to get back to working on my career a bit!

to have the body I had ten or twelve years ago. It was toned and trim and got lots of exercise until excruciating foot pain virtually immobilized me. And it weighed about 50 pounds less than it does now. The foot pain is better, thank the Universe, so it’s time to get some exercise, eat well, and reclaim that body.

my husband to make a full recovery.

It may not happen. But that should not keep me from wanting, nay, expecting it as long as he is making progress. And he is. So, dammit, I am not going to say, “Let’s climb halfway up this mountain.” I am going to say, “Let’s scale this baby despite the difficulties, and let’s breathe the cold, thin air of victory while savoring the view from the top.”

Tiisi’s list, and I love it. “Admit” is the perfect word, too. Some people know what they want and how to get it. They go after it. They set goals and reach them. Not me. Half the time, I have no clue what I want. If I know what I want, I second-guess it a thousand ways.

So, here it is. A little spot on my list where I can whisper the secrets of my heart.