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Today’s feature movie…. ROADHOUSE!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

happy day to me! Happy day to meeeeee!!!!

Boggy Creek II, _{the legend continues…}

[epi # 1006]

Well, I polled three people and got seven answers, and the majority of those voted that the next movie to watch should be “the one about booby creeks”. All righty then.

I saw this one years ago and other than remembering that I was somewhat bored with it, I couldn’t recall much about the plot. (Unfortunately I had taped over my Sci Fi channel recording of it) So I was pleasently surprised when I actually got a big kick out of it this time around. I must have been in a bad mood last time.

Remember those old Disney nature films way back when? With the deep, slightly southern voice-over and the images of lush meadows and dazzling sunsets? That’s how the movie begins. We see egrets flying over a creek, tall grasses and- Oh! A sweet little deer prancing happily through the forest. He stops to daintily nibble a flower, bat his lashes and move on over to the river for a nice refreshing drink. It’s so hot! Sweet, wittle deer wants to go for a swim. So he wades out a bit into the water, ears a twitchin’, big brown eyes sleepily survey the waters while wittle deer enjoys the cool currents.

Don’t mind those bubbles following you in the water, wittle deerses, you just have yourself a nice happy swim! Tra la dee da…

What’s this? Oh noes! The poor wittle deer has just been sucked under the water by an unseen harbinger of death! He’s been decapitated! A tall, dark, greasey haired monster emerges from the mucky depths and drags the headless deer into the forest! All the while bemused voice over guy drones on about misty summer mornings and the circle of life…

And that, folks, is about as lucid as this movie gets.

Right after the gruesome, happy deer death scene, we cut to a football game. No reason! Just… you know. At a game.

Some professor guy is there. (we find out that he’s the narrator. Incidentally, he’s also the director, the writer, the producer, the snack shop vendor guy…) We get to see some bouncing cheerleader shots, and (stock) game footage. Then the prof. gets called away by one of his students, Tim, who, incidentally, is actually his son. In real life I mean. I guess they needed another body to fill a roll and he was just kind of standing around or something.

The prof, whose name is Brian, heads over to his office where he finds out that the Boggy Creek monster has been spotted again. The voice in his head tells us that he’s bringing three kids with him to investigate the sightings, Tim- the very skinny kid who just loves taking off his shirt to show off them massive pythonique arms of his. And also two loverly ladies, Tanya and Leslie, whose purpose in this movie is to complain and show off their underpants.

So away we go to find the monster. First stop is a convenience store run by a very sweaty man in a white, V neck tee-shirt. All the S’uthners in the store think it’s mighty funny that this “city slicker” (with a thicker accent than anyone else in town, mind you) has come to search for “the creature”. The professor, being the stupid yankee that he is (haw haw), gets all perturbed and threatens to shoot anyone he sees dressed like a monkey and wandering around in the forrest. With that, he firmly re-inserts his hiney stick and prances away.

Next stop on their trip is to a barn where the monster was first spotted way back in 1964. (although we are treated to a bit of a debate about that. “was is ‘63? or 64?” “I think it was ‘64” “yes, I believe you’re right…”)

Suddenly the movie takes on “Flashback” mode. There’s no awesome wooshy music like LOST has when they do a flashback. This director took a slightly different approach than J.J. Abrams, that being, he decided to smear the camera lens with Vaseline Jelly. It makes for lovely cinematography!

Through the vaseline haze we can make out a fuzzy blob wearing overalls. Overall blob spots a tall dark blob that I suppose is the monster, being that it has long greasy hair covering it’s entire body. And also bubba lips. Then overall blob and bubba lip blob walk away from each other. That’s it. Not really worth making a flashback for, but there ya go.

Bored with that flashback, the whole crew piles back into the jeep in search of more engaging flashbacks.

Suddenly! ::gasp:: What is that?! The jeep screaches to a halt. (kinda. It’s pulling a huge camper, so it’s more like it meanders to a wobbly halt)

Anyway, something appears to have startled our professor. Frantically I search the screen for something worth looking at, but of course, it’s only roadkill. Professor Brian and Tim get out and contemplate the roadkill for a while, then they get back in and drive away.

Having thoroughly debated the cause of death of the roadkill (where’s Doc Robbins when you need him?) the gang arrives at their campsite and sets up the camper, giving Leslie a chance to change into more appropriate camper-wear. She does this by stripping down to her underwears and pressing her butt up against the window while shakin’ her bazooty in an attempt to squeeze into a pair of shorts three sizes too small. Professor Brian is practically moved to tears.

Inspired by Leslie’s long johns, the prof proceeds to launch into another flashback, this one had molasses shmear, instead of vaseline. Some guy stops to change a tire, the Creature arrives, grabs him, and he dies. Ahhhh memories…

Finished with reminiscing, Prof Brian sets up his super-duper, hyper sensitive Com-Pew-Tur that shows you (in aesthetically pleasing black and lime green) exactly where people are around you. Just type in a few measurements into the Com-Pew-Tur, height, weight, etc, and Com-Pew-Tur will tell you where any intruders are.

Getting a closer look at the monitor we see a giant target with two little circles hangin’ around the outer rings. The two circles are Tim and Tanya. Suddenly another circle appears! How exciting! This circle must be the creature!

Mesmerized by the the round things, Brian and Leslie watch as the third circle blips closer to Tanya’s circle. The prof calls Tanya and Tim back to camp; and since the movie is really all about him, he grabs a gun, assumes “macho guy” pose,(as Mike says: “legs bent, butt out, tummy pooched”) and runs off into the forrest to confront the creature. Meanwhile, Tanya’s circle hightales it back to camp while the creature’s circle follows close behind. Tim’s circle disappears, while, oddly enough, no circle ever appears for Brian. (must be a bug in the system.) Brian threateningly shouts “I can smell you!” (his version of “do ya feel lucky, punk?”) horrified, the creature runs away.

Brian makes it back to camp, Tim shows up, shouts “boo!” everyone screams. Aah. Scary.

Later that night, the monster’s circle shows up again. It must have suspected that the prof had set up that awesome Com-Pew-Tur, because it went straight for their generator and broked it. Tim and Brian funble around in the dark for a while, then get it working again. In the mean time, the creature shows up and snarls at them through some bushes. Fortunately the leaves hold him back and he is unable to attack. Frustrated, the creature departs.

The next morning… we gets ourselves another flashback! You know. To cheer us up. Because all of the other flashbacks have been so lighthearted and breezy.

In this one, there’s this guy who decides he needs to go make a poo. So he asks his wife for the Sears catalogue and heads out to the outhouse. (I don’t want to know.) While in the outhouse, the creature decides it’s going to have some fun with him and sticks his arm through the window. The guy freaks out and lands in his own doody.

When he emerges from the thing he’s covered in plop, so his wife gets out the garden hose and sprays him down.

And that’s it. Don’t you feel better now?

I haven’t even gotten to the part where we meet the most disturbing MST character. Ever. A giant, half naked hick with a rubber band wrapped around his head. (seriously, I would love to have seen that casting call. “uhh… we need a really big hairy guy willing to walk around wearing nothing but a pair of overalls with one strap hangin’ down and a rubber band. Preferably someone who loves to scratch and say ‘garrrr’”) Nor have I mentioned the part where Tanya decides to try out some snuff and pukes in the bushes. Or the scene where Brian dresses up like Castro and declares “I have seen the little creature!”

To find out how this sucker ends (and I am certain you’re just dying to know.) you’ll just have to watch it yourself.

Favorite Quotes

• You know, the Razorback hat really lacks the quiet dignity of the Cheese Wedge (Mike)

• sweaty clerk: “You can take my word for it, there aint no such monster around here.”
  Mike: ok. Well then do you have any puffy hats with filthy sayings?

• So, these people are all majoring in Boggy Creek Monster studies? (Servo)

• Well I’ll be. Farmers do exist!

• Hey, there’s a Point of View monster headed right for them!

• We’d like to thank the Legend for allowing us to place a camera in his helmet.

• The thing we’re looking for is coming! Oh no!

• (during random football scene)“The cheerleaders suggest that we “Go!”

• Hey everybody! I managed to cram my ass in these shorts!

• My wonderful discovery. (beat) let’s kill it!

• (still at that random game) “I’m going! The cheerleaders’ plan is working!”

• Leslie: the circles, what do they represent? Servo: Round things

YEA! Amazon has the first 5 volumes on sale, 55% off. I now own 123 & 5. (wasn’t really that jazzed about 4. Mebbe later.)

Ok, folks! Which one should I watch first?? Here’s what we have here:

• Boggy Creek II: Saw it once and I don’t remember what happens except that there’s a really disgusting scene involving an outhouse in there somewhere.

• Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders: Seen it many times, was on the Sci Fi channel fairly often when MST was in it’s death throes. Fairly funny, if I recall correctly, in a kids movie gone creepy type of way.

• Time Chasers: Seen this one too. Great writing with really really really really bad actors and no budget.

• The Touch of Satan: Haven’t seen it in a long while, something about a witch burning?

Alrighty, ya’ll, pick quickly or I’m gonna pick for ya. Can’t wait!

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die!

Hard to believe that this is not the cheesiest title ever given to an MST3K flick.

I had to Netflix this one since I don’t own it yet. Shame, too, because I had to watch it in parts, few minutes here, few minutes there. Would have liked the luxury of sitting down and watching it through but I didn’t have time for it this week. Oh well.

All in all this was a decent episode- and especially impressive considering it’s Mike’s premiere as show host. He looked adorable in front of the camera, obviously a bit jittery. Despite his first time nerves, his timing was spot on through the whole thing.

To be honest, I usually don’t pay much attention during host segments. Most of the time they bore me (with the exception of Jack Frost. A topless Mike doing Lord of the Dance cracks me up every time) This one had the requisite “invention exchange” that was eventually dropped later in the season. Mike’s invention, an umbrella with gutters, made me chuckle and Servo’s “Gutter-Bumber-Shoot” song made me dance across the room on my way to the kitchen. (my tea was done.)

The first fifteen minutes of the film is spent watching a surgeon and his cocky son wave their arms over a dying patient. Because the son is much better at waving his arms, he’s the one who saves the patient- all the while calling his Dad inept. Dad doesn’t mind. He looks just like Hitler- so apparently he’s used to insults. Dad’s main concern is his son’s habit of stealing body parts. His son gives him the brush off and Dad leaves for Detroit, never to be seen in this film again.

Once Dad leaves, Bill (cocky-son) snatches up his hot looking fiancee (Jan) and they head out to his house in the country where apparently he moonlights as an evil Frankenstonian Scientist with his disfigured assistant, Kurt. Bill drives like a mad-man ignoring stop signs, pedestrian crossings and reaching speeds upwards of 30 mph. Of course such recklessness causes him to crash and be thrown from his burning car. He crawls back to the accident just in time to witness Jan’s hand die. Deeply disturbed, he does what any man in love would do, he steals her head.

Reaching his country home, Bill sets up a Lasagna pan for Jan’s head and fills it with Super-vitaminated juices to help keep her alive.

At this point the movie takes on a whole nudder level of creepiness as Bill starts scavenging all the local hookers and pin-up models for an adequate body to steal for his fiancee. We get to listen to lots of Bom-chicka-Bom-Bom while viewing plenty of bouncing cleavage. This goes on for what seems like hours.

In the mean-time, Jan-in-the-Pan (as Mike dubs her) wakes up and is slightly perturbed to find herself alive and stewing in her own neck-juices. (incidentally- i think she looked much nicer as a disembodied head. She had a beautiful smile when she laughed) Jan makes friends with the Frankenstein-esque monster hiding in the closet and quietly plots her revenge against Bill for being so evil-genius-ish. Some how she uses her mind powers to convince the creature to rip off Kurt’s good arm, beginning the longest death scene in movie history. (really- it made the Sheriff’s death in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves look pathetically brief)

Bill finally returns having selected some poor model to be his fiancee’s body. Jan starts to protest, but Bill tapes her mouth shut. (eliciting cheers from Mike & the bots) Using her mind powers again she gets the monster in the closet to knock on his door several times. Bill does the most brilliant thing and goes over to check it out. Of course the beast escapes, starts a fire, Kills Doctor Bill, saves the model all while Jan laughes maniacally.

The End. Wasn’t that nice?

One amusing detail: apparently the director forgot to shoot close-ups of Bill while filming the movie. So afterward they got several introspective looking shots of the actor in front of a blank canvas and inserted them willy-nilly between scenes. I think they were trying to be “artsy”. Heh.

Favorite Quotes!

• {Stripper}Who’s to tell me to blow if I don’t want to?

• {Servo} While she’s passing out he could be downstairs mopping up blood or something.

• {Mike} Awww… look! His face is just tied on in the back!
  {Crow} Yup! get used to it, Mike, happens all the time.

• {Dr. Cortner} What you see is real. {Mike} What you smell is unfortunate.

• {Dr. Cornter Sr} We were not meant to play God! {Crow} Tag! you’re God…

• {Servo} You’re listening to KPORN – sleazy, slutty music all morning long.

Great. Now I’ve got “Let’s all have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” stuck in my head! ::bangs head against wall::

Quick, someone hum “Achey Breaky Heart”!

oh the inhumanity!

I’m going to have a hard time watching all of these within a timely manner if I only see one episode every two weeks or so.

Anyway, today’s episode is “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”! Ahhh… a classic. Believe it or not, I some how missed this one when the show was still on. The first time I saw it was around Thanksgiving of last year. (‘05)

The movie starts out on Mars, where there is apparently all of 6 people on the entire planet. The one father on Mars, Kimar, is very concerned because his two children (one of whom is Pia Zadora. no, really.) won’t go outside to play and instead spend their entire days sitting in front of the TV watching earth shows. Very distressed, Kimar- who is also the leader of Mars, gets together with the other five Martians and they head on over to the old man of Mars to ask his opinion on the issue.

The Old Geezer geezes for a while and finally, after many long pauses and sighs, lets the Martians know that the children need to learn to love, imagine, and play. The Martians ponder this and decide that means they should go to Earth and kidnap Santa! So off they go in their space ship powered by lentils.

They land on earth and confront two kids creatively named “Billy” and “Betty”. The B’s immediately give Santa up and tell the Martians where he lives. The Martians decide to take the kids with them and head up to the North Pole.

At the NP the kids attempt to warn Santa, but their attempts are thwarted when a guy in a bear suit shows up and scares them into a cave. The Martians recapture them, then use a lame robot (a guy in a cardboard box with a kettle on his head) and their Whammo air guns to snatch the slightly inebriated old elf from his workshop.

Back on the ship, one of the nasty Martians attempts to murder the B’s and Santa by shooting them out an airlock. Santa just laughs and escapes. Because he’s Santa! And he’s batty! Kimar arrests the bad Martion, but he escapes when he tricks an extemely goofy Martian named Droppo into getting tied up and sitting in his cell.

On Mars, Bad-Martian plots to kidnap Santa while Santa gets set up in a brand new, high-tech workshop. There he spends his whole day pushing buttons while toys pop out of holes in the wall. Droppo is very excited about all the fun Santa is having and decides that he wants to be Santa too. So he dresses up in an extra suit and sticks a pillow down his pants to make him look fat. Bad-Martian mistakes him for the real Santa and holds him in a cave, threatening to kill him with his “nucular” field unless Kimar destroys the new toy-making machine.

I know you’re dying to know what happens, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the ending for you. So I’ll stop right there.

Now it’s time for:

Favorite Quotes!

Joel: Have you guys thought about what you want for Christmas this year? ...
Crow: I want to decide who lives and who dies!
Joel: Oh, I don’t know…
o

News Anchor Guy: “Do you think you’ll finish in time for Christmas Eve?”
Santa: “Well, we’ve never disappointed the kids yet!”
Servo: Except for the poor ones.
o

News Anchor Guy: “Is it true that you’re going to use a rocket powered sled this year?”
Santa: “No-sirree, we’re going out the good old fashioned way-”
Joel:guns a blazin’!
Santa: “-with our reindeer, uh, Prancer! and Dancer! Thunder! Ditzen and Blixen and Nixon!”
Servo: uh, yea. What’s in the pipe, Santa?
Santa: “awww… Con-sarned-it, I always get those names mixed up. But the kids know who they are!”
Crow: Because they’re sober.
o

Servo: (while Mrs. Claus gets flustered in front of the TV cameraman) Oh, when she thinks of the mass-media she touches herself!
o

“Pack your other mustache!”
o

“Gentlemen, we can’t all be the Honey Nut Cheerios honey-bee!”
o

”... and now, for your enjoyment, some suggestive scenes of jets refueling!”
o

News Anchor Guy: “Tonight the lights of the United Nations’ building will burn until dawn as leaders from around the world attempt to map their next course of action.”
Joel: Give sanctions more time!
o

Bad-Martian: “No one will ever realize that Santa was kidnapped by men from Mars!”
Joel: Do you realize what you just said?”

And my favorite:

Martian: “What’s soft, and round, and you put it on a stick, and you roast it in the fire?”
Servo: An elf?
Martian: “Oh! And it’s green!”
Servo: Oh! A dead elf!

_{Jack Frost} [ep. 813]

Absolutely my favorite episode ever. I’ve seen this one so many times, I could probably recite the thing for you. (yes, I’m that much of a dork.)

Here’s the plot: The movie starts out with this chick, Nastika or Nastinka or Little Viper- depending on who you ask, and Nastika is knitting her step-sister a new sock in the middle of the night. (isn’t that a wonderful beginning?) Her step-mother being, of course, very evil, says that if she doesn’t finish it by morning she’ll rip the poor girl’s hair out. After some very dramatic scenes where Nastika pleads with a rooster and then the sun, she finishes the sock and thus her coif is saved.

Meanwhile, some very effeminate man named Ivan, with a darling little bowl haircut, is leaving home to… well… we don’t know exactly why he’s leaving home. Except that his mother is extremely worried about him being able to leave home all by himself. Finally he succeeds. Five minutes after leaving he runs into some dwarfish bandits who he is only too pleased to let rob him. Then he throws their clubs into the air and tells the bandits that the clubs won’t be returning until winter comes. (or at the climax to the movie- whichever comes first.)

Next Ivan runs into some little dude dressed up like a mushroom. He and mushroom-guy play hide-n-go-seek until mushroom guy wins. (nobody said Ivan was terribly clever) As a reward for loosing, mushroom-guy gives Ivan a new bow and arrow. But then he gets offended when Ivan forgets to say thank you so he puts some kind of bizarre curse on him so that when Ivan and Nastika finally meet, he gets turned into a bear. Initially he blames Nastika, then runs off, leaving the poor thing in tears.

Finally he figures out that it was the mushroom who turned him into a bear so he goes and asks Mushroom-guy how to be a man. Mushroom guy starts to babble for a while, Ivan gets impatient and interprets the babbling to mean that he has to do a good deed. For the next ten minutes or so Ivan starts chasing little girls and cripples around trying to do good deeds for them. But nothing works. Finally he picks up a stick and turns back into a man. Having learned his lesson, he runs off to find Nastika.

In the mean time, Nastika has been slaving away for her nasty step-mom and step-sis, while her Dad sits there and mumbles to himself. My favorite scene in the movie is played out while the Step-Mom dresses the Step-daughter up in order to sell her off to a husband. They fail, of course, because the daughter is so ugly she scares geese.

This is all Nastika’s fault, so Step-mom orders her father to abandon the girl in the middle of the forrest. There Nastika meets Jack Frost. Frost takes her to his home to make her his house keeper, but while she’s there she accidentally trips and touches Frost’s magic scepter which turns her into ice until Ivan comes along and apologizes for accusing her of turning him into a bear.

If you think that was the end of the film, you’d be wrong! I haven’t even told you about the forest that comes alive and beats up Ivan, or the house with legs, the witch, or the Step-sister’s attempt to find a husband by sitting under a tree and eating onions. Most MST3K films suffer from too little plot, this one had quite the opposite problem.

Still, it’s one of the few films that have been given the treatment that I could have watched without Mike and the bots and easily survived.

Bonus Stuff

For something truly annoying. ;o)

Favorite quotes:

• Crow: Ladies and … Gypsy, Michael Nelson IS Lord of the Dance!
  Gypsy: Ooooh! Did the other one die?

• The story of a hundred year old couple who give birth to a giant infant

• You know, Mike, I just don’t think I like evil Russo-Finnish grandmas.

• This is the other version of Snow White called “Snow White and the One Normal Sized Person”

• Every time I meet a man he’s either gay or a bear.

• I thought Jerry Garcia was Father Mushroom

• Servo, as Father Mushroom disappears in a clound of smoke:
  I didn’t know there were that many land mines left in Narnia.

• Stepmother: You are a queen!
  Mike: In that you look like Freddy Mercury.

• Mike: I hate when the trees just come in
  Servo: If I had a tree, I’d keep it in the yard.

• Nastika: Oh! A bird!
  Crow: Let’s eat it!

• I enjoy watching people’s mental illness…

I am a MST3K junkie. I cannot get enough of the stupidist, lamest films ever made. They really aren’t supposed to be funny, but they are.

At least with Joel, Mike and the bots they are.

There are 197 episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so at about 2 hours an episode, not counting “The Movie”, factoring in time for potty breaks and inserting some sort of caffeine pic line, I think I can get every one watched in about a month or so.