Go get my soulmate and never let her go

K,Joseph wrote:

you know…

I never stop thinking about you.

From: FE [mailto:f@.net]
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 1:18 AM
To: K, Joseph
Subject: Re: Untitled message

Well, I guess we are even :-)

—Sent from my Palm Prē

—- Original Message —-
From: K, Joseph
To: FE
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 5:03 PM
Subject: RE: Untitled message

Ok, so… I’ve been meaning to call you. I am going to finally go ahead and shell out the money for the divorce, which will take me a couple of weeks to come up with, and then from there I’m going to take a month or two and put enough money away to find a decent sized place, big enough for say, I don’t know, A guy, 4 girls, and maybe a couple of dogs? And then I’m going to move into said decent sized place. But I only have two girls right now…and no dog’s, so I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of that extra space….

I’m thinking around the 1st of the year…sooner if I can swing it. You in?

I am in. I have been waiting so long to hear that…

So we’ve made a deal. I get one of these new jobs I’m goin for, an she’ll quit hers, move out here an marry me an stay at home with my girls. It’s kind of a long shot but it’s a start, lol. Man I love this girl…

Okay, so she called back last night and we talked for about a half hour or so. We kept it pretty light, I mean the theme of the conversation was the same, but it was mostly us joking about how pissed off we would be if after all this time we finally did get together and then found out we couldn’t stand one another. Not terribly likely, but it certainly would be the ultimate irony and we all know how much the man upstairs loves his irony. But it’s nice to be actually talking about. We’ve kid of avoided the heavier conversations for a while now, mostly I think because it’s easier t do those kind of things in person vs over the phone. But it’s good to know that after all this time she is still just as stubborn as I am. And she worked out the timeline, and apparently (according to her logic), we never actually broke up all those years ago, just kind of drifted away because of this distance between us and the chaos that was our lives, which in turn means (again, this is based on her logic, lol) that our respective spouses we’re the ‘other woman/man’, and we we’re still together. And while her logic can be pretty puzzling sometimes, I kind of like the ring to this particular idea. And last nights call was followed by a brief call this morning, though didn’t really cover any ground there. But, it’s the act of her calling itself is important. It means she hasn’t given up yet. And neither have I. And although after all these years of close calls and near misses it doesn’t even seem like this could ever really happen, I have to admit I’m starting to wonder about it. I guess after so long I began to believe that although it was the only thing I wanted, it would never happen, and that idea has become so thouroughly engrained in me that I am still not really allowing the thought to be anymore than that. Still, I find the question running through my head throughout the day. What if? I’ve asked myself that plenty of times before, but in the past i think it ws more “what if that could all someday come together”, vs now where I think it’s more like “Holy shit, what if that someday is right around the effing corner??”, lol. I guess only time will tell…..

This morning I sat down and considered giving up on this goal. Not because I don’t still feel this way, but sometimes it just feels like it’s time to face facts and admit it will never happen. Then she called me about an hour ago, and told me all of the emotions she has and all of the frustration and her fears,all of which perfectly echo mine. I mean, I know she’s perfect for me, but I’ve always worried I wasn’t right for her, which is really out of character for me because I have never lacked self confidence. I guess I just worry because I know this is the only person in the world who could absolutely devastate me. And that’s a hell of a thing for someone to have over you. She told me the same thing though today, that I scare her, because of how much is at stake. It’s weird to think that she really goes through the exact same emotions that I do. I think we are probably the dumbest two people in the world. We are absolutely in love with one another and too scared to do anything about it. But I mean, it’s true. We both literally shake when we’re around one another (or at least the few times we have allowed ourselves to come around one another in the past couple years.) I mean, what the hell is that about? But back to the point I told her to quit her job, to move out here. She’s got a really good job, and her daughter to think of, which is why she said she’s terrified. So am I. Turns out there is a job opening in my city with her company doing the exact same thing, which just blows my mind. This could finally happen, and if it does I would have to completely reevaluate my entire perception on life. I think I would instantly lose my cynicism, my narcissism. Anyway we had to cut our call short. She’s to call me back in a couple hours, and I can’t stop staring at my phone. It hurts to hope. I’m refusing to. But Goddamn…what if?

Okay, so heres a little summary of the backstory behind this goal. Her and I met years and years ago. She was in my brothers grade, and was friends with a friend of mines older sister. Then we ended up going to the same school once High School came around, and by summertime we were inseperable. Unfortunately, at the end of the summer and with very little notice I had to move away. That was really really hard on both of us. The day I moved I remember telling her that I wouldn’t let that get inour way, and she called me foolishly optimistic, lol. All these years later I think it’s safe to say that she was foolishly unoptimistic, and apparently had no idea how commited I was to proving her wrong. So, fast forward a year or so and her and my best freind were dating. I was never thrilled by it but at the same time they were the two most important people in my world so I couldn’t be mad, and me being ove an hour away and too young to drive was more of an obstacle than I had anticpated, so I was happy that they were happy. Then things took a pretty bad turn. She got pregnant. He bailed. Never pegged him for that type, but I was wrong. And thats where things got complicated. The easy thing to do would be just say to hell with him and ostrasize hime for bailing, but this kid had been there for me through some pretty bad stuff when nobody else was, so I couldn’t just turn my back on him. At the same time, I couldn’t really turn my back on her either. So, unwilling to choose a side, I played both sides of the field for years, which ultimately made things really hard. How do I go and get her when I know that means I lose my best friend? Tricky, I know. Well, time passed, and kept passing, and at some point we just kind of drifted apart. A Couple of more years went by, and then I ended up with a kid of my own, and married. It was hard not to compare how different it was with my wife as it was with this girl, but I tried, and made it a point to not contact this other girl because I knew the effect it would have on me. Then one day the previous mentioned best friend calls and tells me I should call her. I told him I had no interest in that (a lie), but he wasn’t hearing it. She had just went to court for him and kept him from going to jail for having never paid child support, so to show his gratitude he in turn decided to call me and insist that I call her. He had run into her from time to time before, and she always asked him to give me her number, but I never took it whe he asked. This time he made me write it down, and having it in front of me knowing that if I dialed it I would actually talk to her eradicated all will power I had, and within an hour I had called her. I think at that time it had been 5 years since we had last spoke, and we picked up rght where we left off. She was married, and not terribly happy, and so was I. So we ended up talking to each other on the phone every day as much as we could, and it was amazing. She is so much fun to talk to. Eventually, my wife and I seperated, and then got back together, and a week later she emailed me letting me know she had left her husband. Go figure. So we’ve been doing this for about 2 years now. Just kind of leap frogging each other. We just can’t ever seem to end up single at the same time, and we know better than to see each other while we’re married. We had coffee one time about a year and a half ago, and it was an excersize in self control that I don’t care to repeat again, lol. In any event, thats kind of where we are now. I’m single, she’s still married, and we’re still not together. So thats where the goal comes in. I’m going to change this pattern of close calls and near misses that we’ve had, and I’m just going to go get her. I figure if I just start talking to her on a daily basis again it should remedy this goal, and if that doesn’t work I can always just show up there one day and let the effect of us actually spending time in person together have the effect that I know it will. I’ll keep you guys updated. :)

I know who she is, I know where she is, and I know she feels the same way. But for 13 years now we’ve been dancing around the obstacles life has thrown our way and just haven’t been able to get on the same path. It’s time to change that. The last time I had a window of opportunity I let it pass me by. I won’t do that again. Her and I? We’ve got it. Whatever ‘it’ is. It’s the stuff movies are made of, it’s what everybody in this world is really after. And we’ve got it. Always have. She put it perfectly once. “The whole being in love thing? Yeah we’ve got that down. It’s the whole being ‘together’ thing that we’ve never really been able to figure out.” But it’s time to change that. Too much time has already passed. I absolutely love her with my entire heart, and the colors of life are never as vibrant as they are when she is near. I love her. Only her, always her. So I’m going to take the advice of a very unlikely source, and I’m just going to go and get her. I won’t let life stand in our way any more. It’s time we do this thing. It’s time we show this world what true love is all about.