There will be a grace period from now until I visit. I won’t f^;9ing get into it but she gave me a lousy excuse that she won’t be in town while I’m visiting the week I’m there. Something about a lousy snowboarding trip. I don’t even believe her at all. As soon as she left school to go home I’ve hardly talked to her at all.
I’m trying to get over it but I still think about her. I think the only thing will help would be finding someone else. It will proba my be awhile until that happens. Usually these things come every great once in awhile for me.
I just wonder if this was doomed from the start. I think back and remember everything with what I know now. I just seem to think she wasn’t interested at all. Then I wonder wut I shud do if she still wants to see me. I am probably crazy for thinking that but it is a possibility. If that does happen I really won’t know wut to say. I don’t think it will be pretty cuz I’m pretty pissed off on the inside and I don’t forgive easy. Why shud I forgive someone like this? She knows she’s part of the reason I am visiting there.
But then there’s a part of me (small part) that really wonders if she did want to see me. Of course I don’t think I will never know. Communication with her is so atrocious that I don’t know wut her real thoughts, emotions, fears and intentions are. I guess I thrive on conversation that delves into that realm. I cud never talk about that stuff with her because she only gave one word answers. Answers that consisted of “I dunno”, “yea”, “lol”, and “maybe.” I just feel kind of dumb putting up with that crap.
I guess this won’t be easy to get over. I think I’m making progress but I think she will always be with me in memory and only time will heal me.
I guess I’ll still update this if something happens but I just have to pretend she doesn’t exist. At least I don’t have to worry anymore. That’s the first thing I realized after I knew I wudnt be seeing her. I really dont think I cud see her anyway now. What wud be the point in that?
Things are a little bit better. I still worry tons and I can’t help it. I talk to a lot of my friends about this and they seem to give good advice. They do help out a lot, but they still don’t give me any answers on what’s gonna happen when I visit. I guess the best thing I can do is be patient.
Recently, I sent her a face book message and didn’t get any response. I later saw her on AIM that night and I said hi and told her I sent a message. She said she would be back, but she never came back. Before I left I asked if she was okay and she said she was. I just hate no knowing what’s going on. I don’t know if she still likes me or not. She put up a song on her my space for me to listen to and she still has it on there.
I also recently asked if she still wanted to meet me and said she does. I guess I just have to assume that she still likes me. Its just hard not talking to her. Just makes me realize how lonely I am with not having anyone. I worry about being overly nice or like I don’t wanna seem that I like her TOO much. I guess when you’re lonely for so long, you don’t wanna screw it up when the chance does come.
I’ve just been thinking to myself what I’ll do if things don’t work out. I just think about what I’ll do to just make it all go away. If I end up seeing her and we don’t get along, I Just see myself just cutting myself off from her. Just break contact off and move on. I guess instead of wanting to go to Colorado REAL soon, I’ll go to colorado eventually. I’m still giving myself a deadline of August so I can at least go to my brother’s wedding. I’ll be able to save up more money and have more of a cushion when I’m in colorado and trying to find a job. It’ll be nice if I can find something before hand, but with the way the economy is I don’t know if that’ll be possible.
Overall, I really am trying to be positive. I really thank everyone that has helped me because I’m sure i annoy the hell out of people for advice. I just wish for once things would go my way. I just wanna be on my own, out in CO, with this girl, and be happy. That’s all i ask.
Thinking about what could be going on. I just wrote about this and I just can’t get my mind to stop. I wish I just knew the answer. I wish she could just be more talkative and tell me more. I just don’t like being alone. I just wish somehow I can just know what’s going on. I’m afraid of what I might find out though because I think truth can be a bi(*#. I guess being bored doesn’t help either. What could she be doing? Could I have done something wrong? Wow this sucks… Could she have gotten bad grades where she can’t return to CO and doesn’t want to tell me? I know she had problems with one class she had. She needed a high average to do well. Could she have gotten kicked out of the house? I already said that, but I know she doesn’t get along with her mom very well. I guess patience and waiting is really the only thing that will give me the answer. This sucks…
I guess this venting is a “mad” vent but I just need to talk to someone. No one’s on right now and i’m sure everyone’s sick of me talking about it but oh well, at least I have this. Its 21 days until I go to Colorado and I’m just so anxious. Of course, if anyone reads this, they would know I’m supposed to meet someone there for the first time.
I honestly have no clue if this is going to work at all. I just feel she’s very deceitful sometimes and its just a crappy uneasy feeling. Yeah, she’s 18 and I’m 28 so I guess that comes with the territory. I haven’t talked to her in 2 days and I don’t know what to think. She’s home from college and I know she hates being home. Maybe because of this she’s staying at someone else’s house? Maybe she went to visit someone? Maybe her computer died? Maybe I’m not the only guy she likes and I really think that’s what it is. Who knows… As much as she says she can’t wait to see me when I visit, I just don’t know how much to really believe.
I really don’t know what to do right now. I’m just putting my heart on the line and it F*(#ing sucks. It feels like my heart is on the outside of my body and someone is slowly starting to cut it out. Sometimes I think maybe she hurt herself riding and she’s in the hospital, or maybe she’s visiting family. I just keep thinking of reasons why or what may be happening.
Does anyone read these? I suppose it would nice to get feedback but, at least I can write somewhere. I guess I just want to be happy and she’s really the only thing that makes me happy. Maybe I’m just addicted to her because I usually talk to her everyday. I just hope nothing bad happened to her. I suppose that if it doesn’t work out with her, I have to just break every contact and try to forget her. I know it won’t be easy, but it’ll be the only and best thing for me.
I just wish I had the answer. I wish I knew what the outcome of all this would be. Is CO really the place for me? Where am I supposed to be? Will I actually get the chance to see her with my own two eyes?..............(long pause). One thing she did say was to be patient with her and I guess I just have to respect that. I did say to myself that I would be more patient with her being home because well, she’ll be with friends and family more. I just hope she’s okay.
I’m still interested in her. She has a boyfriend still, and she still likes me. I have no idea what to do. I’m torn because i’m so lonely and single that I just want her to be with me. I guess I just can’t live without her either. I guess when I visit her in Colorado, I’ll see whether it could work or not.I guess there’s a lot more to talk about, but I don’t feel like writing.
Her from myspace, facebook, aim and anywhere else I could find her. I left her a message and she signed off. I checked again to see if she blocked me, but she just signed off…. i think. I really don’t get it… at all. I guess if she wants to contact me, she can but i’m not gonna wait around with someone that doesn’t talk to you. Whats the point. I guess the best thing is to move on, even though its not pleasant. Oh well.
She blocked me. what did i do? I found out, i sent her messages from my other name because I want answers of what I did. If she doesn’t reply, i’m just cutting myself off from her on facebook and myspace. I’m just better off. What the heck was I thinking? I feel like such a fool too. I guess I just have to move on….
It hurts being alone. Its been such a long long time since i’ve written here and I just hope that writing here will help. I’m not even lookin at my screen and I’m typing. Just writing from the top of my head as i’m thinking a mile a minute about this.
I guess I’m just really upset. I’ve been talking to a girl named Alex on AIM and I guess I was falling in love. It sounds so kiddish and stupid, but I guess I just realized it when I haven’t talked to her for awhile. I”m just worried that I did or said something to make her not talk to me. The last time we talked, everything was great. I just feel like she’s blocked me on AIM and…..... it sucks
One part of me tells me its not a big loss because she’s young and 18. She has to go to college yet and be crazy and yet here I am and want to settle down. My god I feel like a weirdo right now. She’s almost 10 years younger than I am and I”m crazed over her.
I’m so used to talking to her at night while I’m at work. I haven’t been able to talk to her at all and I’m just so….. alone. I had a dream about her the other night and I’m pretty sure it was her. I guess I was just making love to her in my dream. I have never felt that because anytime I’m with someone its just the physical aspect and not the mental. It was so great.
I don’t know why I thought I ever had a chance because she’s in Chicago and I’m in NY state. She’s moving to Colorado and I’m stuck here. Maybe she gives life to me and gives me hope. I know I’m clearly at fault here for falling for her because, I really didn’t think she liked me. Couple times I thought she did but, I don’t know if it would work anyway.
I guess I’m worried too because she quit smoking pot after she went to detox for it. I think she did it again so I sent her a message on myspace saying that I hope she didn’t smoke up again. I feel that my messages are probably not making it better because she just finds me annoying.
Why is she not on aim? She says she’s busy but I really think that’s just a lame excuse. I might as well just back off a little and talk when she comes online again…....... if she does.
I guess if anyone’s out there and reads this, maybe they can respond. I guess its a great thing to be anonymous on here so you can just write whatever. Thanks for reading.
I guess i’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I really have been so lonely and I really don’t think it helps that I work at night. I think i keep saying that, but I really don’t think it helps. I applied to a new job so, if I get that, i’ll work during the day and maybe meet more people.
I guess i’m just scared I won’t meet anyone or have any kids. I guess i’m getting to the point where I wouldn’t mind being a father. I’m still young but I guess I just need to be more patient. I can’t rush into stuff like that. It probably wouldn’t be a great idea anyway cuz my job is crappy and I still live at home. I think that’s what it comes down to. Me being scared of being like this the rest of my life. Oh well.
So, you see the entry i wrote below? You can totally disregard that because like usual, things for me always just fuck up. I’m sure i just got all hyped up because she was just paying attention to me. I thought she was flirting but, i guess not.
Things are still bleak and whatever. I give up. I just hate being lonely cuz it just makes me feel unwanted. I was just talkin to someone that i used to like on AIM but, that’ll never happen. I met up with her one time for lunch and, thinking that things were “goin well” i gave it a chance. EEEHHH! (buzzer sound), wrong!!!!
I guess I just have high standards. I”m just such a perfectionist, i’m looking for the perfect girl that doesn’t exist. I want “this, that, and this” which doesn’t exist in someone. I’m my own worst enemy but hey, i’d rather be single that with someone I don’t like. Who knows. its just a mystery so, i guess i’ll just stop tryin to figure it out.
A couple days ago, i was watching the simpsons and… I realized I’m milhouse. I don’t know if that’s how you spell it, but who cares. Basically he’s always tryin to get Lisa and it just won’t ever happen. He reads into things too much and always thinks he has a chance. Then, at one point, something in the show just hit me like a brick goin about 100 mph. Lisa said something to Milhouse that “he was like a girlfriend” to her. There has been SO many times that has happened to me. Not necessarily the word “girlfriend” but there have been girls that just want to be friends with me. It’s such a pet peeve of mine.
What do I do? I’m naturally just a nice guy. Of course when I get pissed off, i’m not very pleasant so i’m sure that’s what they really like. The logic doesn’t make f*(#ing sense. I guess for me, this type of “thought”’ drives me nuts because i’m always tryin to figure out problems and this is something I really have to give up on. There is no answer. I guess its just fate.
Anyway, i’m done. Comment if you want. Later.