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Has been so much on my mind. I really don’t know where to begin but I know one thing that has been on my mind a lot, has been Alexandra. I really don’t know if it’ll work because its just so confusing. She actually has a boyfriend (who I think is a piece of shit) and treats her like shit too. I know we like each other but its just tough because I’m in NY and She’s in CO. I really wanna be there but since she’s there, I want to be there even more. I just really want to be there. I hope my path clears the way so I can actually live there, see her, be on my own and just live my life. I feel so stuck here and I do not want to be in NY anymore.

I’ve been thinking of so many ways of trying to get out there. Of course I’m looking for jobs, but that’s gonna be the toughest part. If I can land a job, I can move. I have been saving up some money so if i have to relocate, it will make things easier for me. I suppose I have some time to find a job. I know that once I leave CO (after I visit), I will be searching more and more. I guess until then I’m still applying to jobs, and I’ve even thought about teaching myself more .NET and just now, I thought about teaching myself more SQL.

So its just a combination of things. Its thinking about failure that drives me. Its about feeling failure of not being with Alex that drives me. I work in a crappy-ass environment, with a shitty co-worker who is the worst pessimist i’ve ever talk to. I’m sick of hearing his fucking rants all the fucking time. I’m sick of listening to stupid end-users, who happen to be nurses, bitch about the computers not working. Fucking morons. I just know that the next job I have is not going to be answering calls. I suppose if something is offered to me, I might actually take it. That’s how bad I want to be out there.

But Alex is always on my mind. I feel closer to her and I just want to be with her. I just wish i knew i was the only one for her. Last night she told me about being with her bf and his friends. I guess one of her bf’s friends was giving her shit about something. Her boyfriend didn’t stick up for her at all. What a piece of fuckin dog crap. It ended up being a great night talking to each other and we can’t wait to see each other in January. It’s just so hard waiting for each other ya know? I mean the reason why i scheduled late was for a better price and today I tried to prolong my stay. It was about 850+ for the entire trip and if I wanted to change something, it would’ve been another 500 for a couple more days. I guess that just motivated me more of being out there permanently.

I guess i’ve never really been on my own. I’ve never had my own apartment, I don’t have a social life, never really had a TRUE gf.. I suppose CO offers that to me. Its just so hard waiting for her. I hope it works out. I’m just afraid of it not working and I’ll be upset again. I guess all of my goals line up for this blog and I can just write here for all of them. I think its just easier…

I wonder if I”ll talk to her tonight. I wonder what she really thinks about me. I wonder if she wants me or her so-called “bf.” I really wonder if she means what she says. II won’t know what to do with myself if this falls through. I guess i’m just looking for happiness and I just hope I get it.

Well I know I’m at least visiting first, but I’m really anxious to visit Colorado. I have 57 days left to wait and I just want to leave now.

I guess I can’t describe why I want to leave, but I suppose the best way to explain it is that I feel so detached right now. I just don’t feel like I belong in crappy Binghamton, NY, my crappy job, my crappy co-worker, and the crappy place I work at.

I know I shouldn’t complain about really anything but I have no social life, hardly any friends apart from the people I talk to online. I guess there is my family that I’m thankful for, and happy my brother is getting married. He has a house, a nice job a great fiancee and I, on the other hand, just feel so incomplete.

Ever since I came back from my trip to Seattle, I just knew I had to leave. I thought of Colorado, and the girl I know there. I thought I may like Seattle, but it really wasn’t for me. I had a great time seeing my friend that lives out there, along with my buddy from Albany that went with me. It was lots of fun. It just wasn’t for me.

So many things have just been adding up here and there that tell me that Colorado may be the place I need to be. I know my friend Christina (in SF) was talking about feeling like a pawn in life. That sometimes you just have no choice for what happens. I guess I feel the same way. I give her so much credit for what she does and how she deals with everything. She really is above and beyond me. I’m a wimp compared to her.

Anyway, I just have a feeling I’m going to like this place. One of the things that worries me the most, is finding a job. I just have a feeling that will be the hardest. At this point, I’m willing to take any tech job that comes my way.

I think about this everyday. I think about how to solve this problem. I’m saving the money, I re-financed my car, i’m hardly spending anything for myself, and I just hope I have enough before I move. I actually told my supervisor my intentions. I told him about my idea of visiting CO and possibly going there. He said that I shouldn’t worry about money because I’ll never have enough of it. He also told me a story about how he wanted to be a director, and deal with the filming industry. He took a local job and never pursued it, and in a way, I could tell he regretted that he never went on to pursue that. I guess I just realize that I don’t want to be 55 (or however old he is) and be in his shoes. I feel dead where I am. I feel stuck and if I don’t do something I’ll go absolutely insane. I guess money shouldn’t matter anymore because maybe I will find happiness in Colorado. I guess some would argue happiness comes within yourself, but I also believe in Buddhism. I think Buddhism would agree that You have to make a living that makes You happy. I believe that is one of the eight fold’s path.

Maybe my attachment to money is causing me pain too. I guess i’m at a crossroads now and maybe some of my ways should change. I’ve even thought about going back to school. Of course I would need money for that but its a possibility.

As for the girl I know there already. Her and I are great friends. I enjoy talking to her, and I hope to meet her. I think a lot of her and at least its nice to know someone that already is there. Maybe she is a part the reason why I’m going there. I guess I just believe in signs and that she is a part of the path. Maybe for once I could have a girlfriend. I guess the only tough part about that, is she already has a boyfriend. I guess if something was meant to be, then it will happen. Like a pawn, I have no choice in the matter. Tao would just say go with the flow and try to enjoy the ride.

This would be a huge change for me, yet I’m still worried about finding a job. It scares the shit out of me. I guess I shouldn’t live in fear and take the “easy” route by staying where I am. Because I know where I am now, I’m not happy.
One of the people that did inspire to me to move was, my friend, Jon. He moved out to Seattle with no job and he’s happy where he is. Maybe i’m not moving to Seattle, but the same idea applies to Colorado. After flying over those mountains on the way to Seattle, all I could think about was being in Colorado.

And as another sign of maybe my reason to be in CO, I end up sitting next to an NBC producer that knows people there that have IT companies. How’s that for luck? After a three hour delay, being pissed off, there was a reason for my delay. Innocent small talk that I was having with this lady about snowboarding, led to us talking about Colorado. Not just an amazing chat with her, but to the guy that sat to the right of me. All engaging in conversations that were so good, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a decent, intellectual conversation. Its not even that it was intellectual, but we could all relate to one another and there was some connection. I was meant to be sitting there and open my eyes a little. And as an added detailto me waiting 3 hours, I actually had to change my seat too for a guy that wanted to sit with his family. Just too weird. I just can’t get over how many things that have been adding up for me to realize that I should be there.

I guess in closing, it would be fair to say that I have been having a lot of things on my mind lately. Whether its Colorado, the girl I know (Alex), saving up money, dealing with work, having job interviews where I am now… it’s just tough. Oh, and I forgot about my job interviews I’ve been having. I’ve had so many in the last month that I can’t stand the irony. I want to leave, and that place is trying to get me to stay. I wish all these interviews were in Colorado. Where I really want to be.

There we go again… I forgot to keep writing here. I suppose everything is okay now. I”m not sure what it is, but i guess i could be happier?

Yesterday I had to work, and then go to a 4 hour training class. That’s a total time of about 12 hours. I had an hour in between but still. I slept a lot last night cuz i was so tired and today, I am just going to do errands.

So, it has been awhile, yet again, since I have written here. Nothing new, really. I applied to that job more than a month ago, and I didn’t get 1 out of the 2 jobs. The other one is still listed as “on hold” and I don’t know what’s up. I’m really thinking about calling that guy (for the 3rd time) next week. The guy that interviewed me. Well, one of the people that interviewed me.

I really just want another job. I feel so stuck. I don’t know what to do or how to go about it. My real only motivations still are philosophy, t’ai chi, and Japanese. Although, I have been slacking in my Japanese lately. Its fun and I enjoy them.

I really have been thinking about traveling more but, in order to do that, i’ve been saving up more money and trying to spend less. My aunt’s movin back to florida, so maybe I can visit her sometime next fall… I think that would be fun. Yet I still wanna take a snowboarding trip next year too. I think I can save up money for that even though I have my car loan to pay off still. I think its down to 18k now.

Speaking of cars, I was thinking of trading in my car cuz it takes premium. I still love it and there’s nothing wrong with it, but I really can’t be spendin that much for gas. Oh well.

Anyway, I should go, but thats all i ahve to stay for awhile. Being stuck sucks. I really do not want to work 3rd shift anymore. I don’t know what i was thinking. Oh well. i’m out. OH YEAH before i go. Is anyone reading these damn messages? I haven’t gotten a freakin cheer in over 2 months. what the hell…?

So, i’m writing again. I really do’nt know what tot alk about, but I do know that i’m feelin kinda lonely. I’m talkin to someone that I used to like on AIM. I won’t say any names, but we’ll call her…. eh, forget names. So, there’s that, I have a headache and I really just can’t go to bed yet because, it’ll just suck sleeping with a headache. Last night at work was okay, but I just started to get the headache that I have now and it’s just gotten worse. I don’t really think I did anything to aggravate it either. I know that I had my sirius handheld and I would keep looking down at it so.. maybe I creaked my neck or something.

I still haven’t heard anything from the place I had my interview at. It just says that my job is “pending” or something like that. I have no idea what it means at all. I just have a feeling I don’t have a chance anymore. Its been too long. Somehow I just don’t think i’ll get it. I guess it sounds like i’m being pessimistic, but…. I guess i’m just tryin to keep to reality. I guess if I do get it. I”ll be on first shift, probably makin more money (even though it doesn’t matter), working with people around my age, i’ll have more of a social life…. Heck. Maybe i’ll have a chance to move out! (thumbs up)...

Thats another thing. I really want to move out. My freakin brother has an apt already and I just feel like such a freakin loser. Granted, i am saving up money but still. I really need my independance. I guess there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just lots of things that come with this job that could benefit me.

I guess the main thing would be having the right CAREER path. I’d be dion something I went to college for. I could probably have my own cubicle at least where I can hang up the degree i EARNED.

to write more. I guess I have my goals (just a couple) but sometimes you just have to write more. I know its therapeutic and I just need to do it more often. Its better to just write it all out instead of keep it all in. I guess this site is nice because I get to keep SOME anonymity.

I guess what’s been on my mind lately, is just goin back to work to face my pain in the ass co-worker. Yes, things have been better, but thoughts have just been creeping up on me in my mind and I guess one good thing to do is write about them.

I guess I just really want to move to another shift… Or something to keep me away from the king of negativity. I know part of the problem is with me and that I should remain positive and have no thoughts at all. But I guess the bad thing about just “forgetting about it” isn’t such a great idea. I just have to get to the root of why i’m thinking these thoughts about this horrible co-worker of mine. I guess one possibility is just fear. I guess I have to admit that some parts of me are just afraid of working with someone like this and I’m afraid of confronting this guy. I’ve done it before and it felt great, but it gets quite annoying when you have to do it over and over again. I guess that’s the trick. Don’t be afraid and be assertive. I think I just solved part of my problem.

I just know that when I am assertive, this guy crushes like a tin can. Deep down I know he’s a coward inside and just a big bullshit artist. There’s more to it, but that’s pretty much the bottom line.

Already, this has already helped me out. Just writing about this. Very soon, i’ll be able to go snowboarding and that’ll take my mind off things even more…