Get rid of my camoflauge

what we’ll do with our old one. Also, I’ve started the “gather” for the 13th box of books (from the 30 I sold wholesale last year).

Beyond that, I have committed myself to remove 6030 things from my home space this year, and so far I have 3 (the beginnings of box 13)...not a lot!

There will be more, but I’ve done this so much that now I’m having to dig a bit to get down to the stuff that needs to go out. The last box (box 12) was mostly not really valuable books, in great condition, former show stock.

We are contemplating buying a single drawer dishwasher as well. My right hand started to split open last summer at the farm stand and washing dishes makes it worse. As a result it has never quite healed, so this is to aid that and it’s something we can pretty much just do. It would free up either or both of us for about 1 hour a day and that means we could be cleaning/culling elsewhere which will be a help.

I’ve got 5 months to clean this house. OMG!!!

jkd

and that was go to thru our cloth stuff…

And what we came up with to go away is this:
1 silk pjs (ripped)
-1 serape/pashima into 2 table runners
22 other pieces of clothing, misc.
4 pcs to consign
1 silk shirt (ripped)

27 pieces out!
plus 1 paperback added late tonight.

jkd

if it works it will help a lot.

The idea is that a permanent part of the “car stuff” is a bag or small box of books, etc. to go to a thrift shop or be donated somewhere.

There are around here, various drop boxes you can leave books or clothes.

I object to using the book drop boxes as it’s a commercial enterprise; I’d rather SELL my books wholesale or DONATE them, as then I get some monetary value from them, not simply giving it away. If I’m going to GIVE books for no value, I’d rather it was to my friends than my competitors!

And of course there’s various Salvation Army, etc. drop boxes too. Once a week, DH heads off to the “big city” for a work related stint. There’s like 3 thrift shops he can get at, if he has time. So there’s a bag of 8 pbs for him to take with him. If he doesn’t get it done, Wed, we have various errands to run, which will put us near/in a smaller “city” also with thrift shops, so they’ll get disposed of then.

There was an escaped convict near here, convicted of rape and home invasion. Various things around here made me uneasy about that of course. One of the things that made me feel safer was all the piles of boxes, etc. in front of the windows. It’d be HARD to break into this house unheard…near those windows. But it’s a detrement to getting rid of the crud, and I don’t quite know what to do instead.

We bought an extra lock, but it won’t work with the type of doors we have. That one will go away, but DH is on the hunt for another type now. It’s nice being taken seriously!

We also need blinds for the rest of the downstairs. The blinds in the living room helped a lot, but there are other windows that need blinds. I don’t know if this is simply the ostrich putting its head in the sand to feel safe…”If I can’t see it, it can’t hurt me?” There’s part of me that doesn’t care.

I never thought that in aggregate my life “quest” would be learning to feel “safe,” but it many, many ways, that’s true.

jkd

I’d asked him for a whole day of doing “Honey Do” stuff. Not expensive, but it DID make me happy, even though I only got a few hours of his time between the project of his own that he’s 1/2 way through (and can’t stop) work and the gallery, he hasn’t has much time.

Our pantry seriously needed some help, I asked for him to add a couple shelves and a cleat, and he did. So the pantry is neater and more productive. Working on the pantry led me to work on the other dry stores too, and that led me to cleaning the kitchen floor….

I swear! If I had enough space, I’d just start in one corner and go and go and go, like unravelling a sweater in reverse or something.

Anyway, I’m beat!

jkd

and run off and go antiquing, I think. But I’m also going to grab a box or some books to go OUT either on the way or on the way home. This depends on where I decide to go, and I haven’t yet! :0D

I owe the bookstore 12 books for the last load, and of course I owe him 19 more boxes of books too, so we’ll see how much I get done this a.m. before I run off!

jkd

finally…

There is a part of me that is really glad that I learned (long ago) how to do this stuff.

Once I got it, that I have to do this the same way I changed from thinking in pictures to words in the mental hospital and dealt with the PTSD flashback, and that it was like me talking to people, then OK.

In some ways it is HUGELY satisfying to work HARD and clean up the mess.

It’s really frustrating when I stop and can’t get started again for a while. But that poor wounded kid needs time to be sure it’s safe, and she freaks out so easily when things change, so I need to give her the time and grace she needs to adjust. It’s okay.

Now I’m doing something I know how to do. That doesn’t make it easy or less stressful, but I know how to do this. There’s an internal switch I set somehow. All the bad stuff, the terror of change gets put aside. Not abandoned, not fought against, just moved over so I can do things. There’s a lot of internal checking that goes on, much of it in my sleep. I half waken many nights with an internal dialog going on, much like the one I remember having as a kid about how to protect myself (I was 3, 5?). I don’t remember much about what is discussed, but I know I’ll half waken several times some nights when this is going on.

It isn’t an argument with heat, but it is a long and involved discussion.

I did some variant of this when I quit smoking and when I could feel my period coming and PMS. If I could catch it right, I could stop the reaction, mostly.

I do NOT know what I do, nor is it terribly important. The important thing is that I’m doing it. It won’t be a straight line, but it WILL get done, or at least that’s what’s always happened in the past….

Yeah!
jkd

The first entry (I just looked) quoted an entry I’d written 16 weeks before that, 11/24/05, almost exactly 4 years ago.

It is SO sad that I’m still fighting this battle, so sad that I still need to.

AND SO FRUSTRATING TOO!!!

wtf…my life struggle is to deal with PTSD, the affects of abuse, and too much stuff? Somehow it just doesn’t seem like the last one should take as long as it has.

I don’t know whether to be proud of the fact that I’m still working at it or depressed because I AM still having to work at it?

wtf—

jkd

There are 40 bookcase boxes in there, all full of books. I’ve taken books and boxes of books from DH’s office the hallway, our bedroom, and the attic of course.

It needs more work, no surprise, and I need to get rid of a bunch more stuff. Today I took the stuff listed below to the dump.

2 wire shelf extenders
1 puzzle
7 pbs
Wok
1 brown/gold bed tray
2 hcs
1 bookend
1 box
? charger tips
1 cassette tape
rug
trash can
camera lens

I grabbed 3 things. Two metal racks (If they aren’t useful, they’re going OUT!)and a book.

The wooden box I had wanted to move inside weathered too much rain, so it’s a dump item Wednesday, alas :0( ....
jkd

would help a lot. Another problem I have when I look at magazines, etc. is that the pictures all look like someone has decorated the space with the idea that the place is on the market: there’s very little stuff there.

My dad’s house had a LOT of books (no surprise) and we have some of his bookcases and more of our own but that isn’t entirely the issue.

I guess it’s the “fall in love” with things. Both DH and I do this. There’s just too much stuff I like and too much he likes. I have some boxes of stuff tucked away in the attic, party dishes and decorative stuff that seemed to be overkill…maybe I need to pack up some more things like that and keep paring the “stuff” down until we like it?

I don’t know.

My impulse is to say that I never had a home before. But the closest I probably got was the apartment I had before the house where I got the uninvited roommate (DH).

I’d been working in a cafeteria and took the commercial crates home. I’d gotten fiberglass tops made, but needed to get them made of glass instead as the fiberglass scratched.

But aside from that and the visual gag I talked about elsewhere, and various sayings I had posted about, that’s it.

That apartment was weird, it was in a former whorehouse….

The house was going to be my first real attempt at a home.

I acquired a dog, 2 cats and was going to have a library. I had a loveseat (covered in flowered fabric I’d gotten cheap at a used furniture place)some fabric for a wall hanging (behind me in the pic from this year)and had the various wooden crates that I used for tables.

jkd

I have posted this elsewhere, but I AM looking for answers. Comments would be most appreciated! jkd

What would you do?

DH and I are contemplating decorating the house. The problems are: too much stuff (I’m working on that one) but especially books & photo stuff. The fact that we both find pieces we love and buy them, whether we have any idea where it will go and/or fit into any decorating scheme or not. And finally, there’s a conflict of styles.

The house is a log home, finished on the inside to look like vertical paneling. DH prefers mid-century modern/playing with space stuff and I prefer shabby chic (but not cutesy!) and junky.

Trying to find a style that will not look weird in this house AND fit both our styles is something we agree we need to do, but we have no idea how to accomplish it.

The things we have which work for both of us are mostly from my retailing past, commercial fixtures and the like.

For reasons of our own, doing one room to suit one of us doesn’t appeal except in our dedicated rooms: offices mostly.

I like enamel pans, stars, wire baskets. DH likes Eames, some Deco, etc.

I have been reading old home ec books to find clues that will help and have found some, but nothing specific.