Remember every day that I have a reason to smile.

My dearest DH just said something to me that sounded like, “Do you want to watch the huffy Philistines?” and I said, “What???”

No, what he REALLY said was, “Do you want to watch the coffee roasting?”

Aging is so much fun, I can’t tell you. However, I’m off to go maybe roast coffee, or watch it being roasted, much more fun that silly Biblical scenarios…

[This made me smile, and I hope it does you too!]

jkd

and has taught me so much about the nature of trauma, slept on my chest last night, like she used to before someone terrorized her. For many years now (10?) she has tolerated being put on my chest but immediately wants DOWN. She’ll let you hold her over your sholder, but not flat.

Last night I went to sleep once with her on my chest. Then later woke up with her with one paw on my arm, asking. DH said she slept on his back for a while last night too.

Right now, she’s over my shoulder while I type, as I said, we’d gotten to that point long ago. But if either of us was flat on our back she wouldn’t stay, until last night.

You have no idea what this means, it’s huge. This cat taught me more about the nature of trauma than all the years of therapy. She’s the one who showed me that after trauma, you ARE skittish, it isn’t nerves or wanting attention or melodrama, it is just the nature of what happens. This cat was the most loving, contented and trusting cat I’d ever had, and she turned into a cat that is terrified of everyone but DH, myself, and the vet, all people she knew beforehand. She completely changed.

Before, she’d sit on my belly in the bathtub, tail trailing in the water while I read a book and content while I turned the water on & off to keep it hot.

After, she meows and meows and warily comes into the bathroom if I stay in the tub too long to be sure I’m safe. She will NOT come in the bath if the water is running.

Anyway, we hit a healing milestone last night!

jkd

acc. to Googlemaps.com it’s 10.9 miles, acc. to mapmyride.com it’s more like 6.5 miles. I think the mapmyride.com number is closer!

Anyway, as I turned onto the branch of our road that we live on, there was a branch, almost horizontal over the road. A goldfinch sat on the branch not sure about me at all, I crossed to the other side of the road to avoid him. Then a swallowtail butterfly swooped down over my head.

I had yellow and black clarions welcoming me home, it was both specactular and awe-inspiring!

jkd

And except for DH, haven’t had a roommate in a while.

Have a great day everyone!

jkd

get this with the other two entries with the bird stuff (see last entry and comment) but here is the pic of the abandoned nest…

jkd

A woodpecker had a nest up in a dead tree. DH noticed it when he was going to cut a limb off and the birds got upset. Later, he mowed part of the lawn and that seems to have scared them off, although it’s hard to tell! :0(

A robin has built her nest at the end of our roof gutter. This is convenient for her, but not us, as we planned to fix the gutter this summer. We’ll wait until she and her brood are gone.

The little red-headed sparrows seemed to be making a nest in the hedge by the door, again. Last year something got to the nest there, and tore it down. This year I wasn’t sure but I told DH that it seemed like they had been building, but I hadn’t seen the nest.

He looked down, pointed, and said, “Look!” unfortunately, this nest is also abandoned. We’ve had two days of very bad rain and the hedge is leaning way over instead of standing up, so the nest is nearly horizontal. I’ll take a pic, even I should be able to do this one! But this explains why I hadn’t heard the pip-pip-pip of the sparrows in the past day or so.

jkd

When DH and I were first starting, he didn’t like being touched while he slept. I spent many a night inching my foot over to touch his leg because I just had to touch him to sleep well.

When we were first married, we slept on Sears mattress toppers in a bed sack on the floor. They were huge, and we’d sleep with our backs together and our hands clasped over our heads.

Twenty years later, we nearly get divorced, and I slept perched on the edge of the bed as far away from him as I could get for a year or two….

Our cat, our silly, beloved traumatized cat, is terrified of everyone but us (and us she frequently is not so sure of us either). Normally she comes to bed and sits just past finger tip reach….

Last night? Last night I got into bed, read, turned off the light, snuggled my back up against DH’s and reached my hand back to touch, and my fingers were clasped tight. I smiled and dozed.

When the cat returned from her nightly house check, I roused again. (She does this as we put out the light, then comes back.) She got on the bed and sat next to my head and purred. I fell to sleep last night bracketed by those who live with me, showing their love in their own ways.

What an extraordinary and marvelous way to end a day! The memory of it has made my morning smile.

jkd

I had 43 cheers available this a.m. when I signed onto 43t!

grin

jkd

our landlady here at the inn where we are staying is a fascinating woman, smart, capable, and good at her job. It’s amazing how you can find the most interesting people if you just take the time and trouble to ask a listen a little.

This morning, I’ve been talking to the waitress/maid here. For an 18 yo, she’s also smart and capable. She’s not completely mature yet, but why should she be at 18? She’s supporting herself and in charge of her life, which is a lot more than I could say I’d done at that age!

Also staying here are a blues musician, his roommate, and a few others, all interesting people in their own right. The storm was a pain in the neck, but the experience of staying here has been a lot of fun and worthwhile!

jkd

one of the pieces my abuser told me for years was that I was sexually deformed. She also implied this made me “queer.” I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I knew was bad, and (acc. to her) that meant decent people couldn’t/wouldn’t love me. I took this to mean that I was born with a birth defect, that my genitals were somehow “wrong.”

I have never talked about this with an OB/GYN, what was the point? They couldn’t change it, and it was too embarrassing to be defective to start with. This is why I wanted to see an endocrinologist, remember that goal? I thought my “malformed” genitals might be an indicator of other problems that could affect my aging.

I talked to the OB/GYN surgeon tonight about it, for the same reason I had wanted to talk to an endocrinologist, namely I was concerned about how it might be a marker of something else? He said, “Huh?” and then said, “Believe me, you’re normal.”

This secret horror of mine was so terrible and embarrassing that I next to never talked about it. It was only another piece of abuse. Holy cow! Another abuse myth bites the dust! YEAH!!!

jkd