be happy again

i’ve come so far, but something is just blocking me. i decided in order to feel happy again, i need to feel in control and i need to feel healthy. so i made a tiny little list of small things so i take care of myself:

1. take all my pills. 9 a day! (i have epilepsy, some stomach problems, and i finally am taking prozac. i’m confident that i won’t be relying on it, just that it’ll help where i’m at in this point in time)
2. be happy. (just to remind myself)
3. do one thing a day productive to clean my room and my bathroom.
4. stretch ever three days.
5. do abs and arms once a week.
6. read out on the boat in the sun twice a week.

i wanna be officially “happy again” before the end of the summer, and i’m not expecting anything to be perfect. i know i can do this. i’m gonna get organized, cause i’m just so sick of being frustrated with myself when i am feeling good!

Thank God for my best friend. she’s home this year, going to college with me. I really need my partner in crime. i can talk to her about anything. i’m the type of person who is really shy, i can seem energenic and outgoing at times, but deep down i always wonder if people really like me, even if it doesn’t logicaly make sense. i always feel like people are judging me in their head and maybe sometimes agreeing with eachother verbally behind my back. i donno. i would be so imbarassed to tell anyone else. it was so hard for me to tell even her, because well, i’m just not suppost to feel this way. i have a few friends who i have a huge bond with, but i don’t ever really get to see them any more and one of them died 2 years ago. Sarah said maybe i feel this way because i compare every relationship with them. it makes sense. we don’t hang out with eachother at parties, we mingle with everyone, but i really do need her there, to know i belong. To reassure me no one is thinking “who’s your friend; who likes you?” i just wonder if anyone else feels this way. without her here it would be another year of feeling like i don’t really belong and don’t have true friends. i realize now that for me feeling happy is feeling like i belong. hopefully by the end of the school year, i’ll feel happy even without my bf around.

I’ve been depressed for a long time. One of my closest friends ever was killed a year and a half ago, and i tore a bunch of ligaments in both my arms/ shoulders at the same time, which both are the most painfull things i’ve ever been though. I tell myself that hopefully this is the hardest thing i will have to go through in my life, and if i can get through this, i will be ok. I’ve been pretty sick for a few years too and finding the right meds that work without side effects just makes you feel like crap. But, I’ve finally found stuff that’s right for me, and in the past couple of months i’ve made so many improvements. I’m starting to feel good. I’m not happy, but I feel like I’m becoming more and more myself. I actually feel like i can stand up for myself! I feel like I’m at the point were I can start to become a person I would respect. I did a 180 from my old self in the past couple of years, and now i’m feeling like i could be happy soon. I think this summer’s going to help out a lot, and i’m so glad i found this website! It helps and reminds me of the everyday stuff that i need to enjoy!