JulieJordanScott in Bakersfield is doing 30 things including…

be more confident

124 cheers

 

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JulieJordanScott has written 14 entries about this goal

Taking a class at BC

is really causing me to flex my confidence muscles. I feel so self conscious about the craziest things!!

New stuff, unfamiliar stuff, places we don’t naturally fit in – - these are all perfect for building up the confidence because when we show up, keep moving forward… our confidence grows.

I am thinking this one should be done by the end of the year.

:-)

That feels good.



We had our first rehearsal last night

for Ellemosynary and the other women are phenomenally talented, trained a lot more than I am trained… so much experience… and here I am….

You would think after all the time and effort and “in the trenches” learning I have done in the past four years that I would have more confidence than I do but… I don’t… have.. much… at … all…. and find myself very easily intimidated.

I don’t think the average person has a clue how much my confidence has plummetted… I would say my confidence right now is maybe 50% of where it was two years ago, if that.

Wow. Putting it in black and white like that is actually very helpful. Even more helpful than it is subtly disturbing…



Thinking about this from a spiritual perspective now

My studies of Teresa of Avila have brought me to a different place around confidence… and thinking of it as a Spiritual theme (and a dilemma for many, actually though I am not convinced “dilemma” is exactly the precise word I want to use here, I am freewriting…)

I have really been purposefully upping the ante with my own confidence stretching as I know how important courage and confidence are in all facets of our life… so stepping up and into confidence from a spiritual standpoint… sort of like I have been approaching cooking and cleaning and “chores” from a perspective of spiritual practice has radically changed my approach there, too.

So – there is my rambling… and I look forward to seeing how “opening this up” brings me more unexpected surprises along the way.



I created a very specific goal to work on this more general goal.

Here it is!



Interesting

I took this Santa Hat photo for my Self Portrait Flickr goal and I am finding I like it, and how I look in it specifically, more and more and more.

My confidence is actually lowest of all in areas of appearance and in possible relationships of the romantic kind with decent men. I have had several longish relationship since my then-husband left our family in January, 2000.

I am obviously not one of those women who “needs” a relationship and given the fact that I am a mother (especially now with a “special needs” child on top of everything else) I am exceptionally guarded when it comes to men. I have dated, but don’t introduce my children to men unless there is a strong possibility for a future. I dated one guy for more than two years and my children saw him only a handful of times and then, there was no touchy touchy stuff in front of them.

Call me weird or old fashioned, I don’t know.

I dated a guy last Spring who completely didn’t get this “rule” of mine. So, ofcourse, we didn’t date for very long.

I feel so ready now, though, and I look at photos like this Santa hat one and I think “See, Julie, you are appealing physically” but there is a huge part of me that doesn’t see it.

Its funny, cause this Self Portrait goal can be seen as such an egotistical one, but for me it isn’t about that at all. It is more about self comfortability than ego.

Ok. I am going to make myself a snack and settle in to veg for the night. I am sleepy and all day I have wanted to cocoon. Now is the time.

Pray my kids get tired early, ‘K?

And I am adding this edit – I didn’t write this so people would throw compliments my way. I wrote it because it is what I sincerely feel. Don’t want people to think I am trolling for compliments. I am being authentic. Ok, now that that is cleared up. LOL.



Still on my list

Interesting that it is, and YES I still see room for growth here.

I am thinking perhaps I should create a different goal that specifically challenges me to create ways of stretching my confidence.

This year I found I am particularly lack confidence when I have the most to lose… or when things involve how I look or my voice, my singing voice.

For those of you who compliment me in these areas, it may surprise you. I am simply saying what is so for me.

I am looking to stretch here, so I will steep on that for a little bit, see what pops.



I Noticed

Recently how much my confidence has gone done over the last six months, amidst the grieving and aching time, my confidence got washed away with the tears or something.

It is an intriguing awareness to have. I am grateful it came to the forefront of my consciousness rather than going unnoticed.

Ironically, most people have no idea I have confidence issues. They tend to think that I am completely comfortable all the time (probably because I am rather “out there”... call it quirky if you want…

Anyway – this is serious, and my lack of confidence has me tell a joke or make it into a funny or quip it away.

Nope. Not letting me go there.



Wow - Someone Else Sure Has Confidence in Me.

Today a woman I completely respect mentioned to me she was hoping I would audition for “Macbeth” because she thought it would be so fun if I could play Lady Macbeth and Emma could play my child.

Me? Lady Macbeth? Wow. To even be thought that I could do that is a huge compliment, coming from someone who knows theatre so intimately… and so passionately and well.

That – makes me feel more confident in every ounce of me.

Maybe I will audition for “Streetcar” after all… I have almost a month to consider it.



"Well, Yeah, I never had a problem with that..."

I was at karaoke last night, talking to this man at the bar who was in Bakersfield on business.

Sometimes when I meet new people I feel like I am interviewing them. He was an interesting man – if he was local I might even want to make him into a friend. Instead, he was my friend for a couple hours as I hung out waiting to sing.

Anyway – turns out he teaches Commmunications at a college in Los Angeles in addition to his day job, which was why he was in Bakersfield. One of the classes he teaches is Interpersonal Communications.

I said, “What is that, anyway? I never got that class when I was in college, I mean… is there a chapter that says… ‘This is how you say hello’?”

I guess my delivery was funnny.

He mentioned that Public Speaking is a requirement, so the Speech classes are pretty full.

I, for whatever reason – probably the two drinks I had in my system… said, “Oh, I never took that, either… I never had a problem with that… I have always been the type who LOVES having a microphone in front of my face… I am just a performer”....

and he looked at me and laughed and said, “yeah, I never would have guessed.”

I switched to water after that.

LOL. I was confident enough to make that shift… and I am now laughing at/with me too.



Remembering this, and following up on its wisdom, would definitely help:

From Rumi:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”



JulieJordanScott has gotten 124 cheers on this goal.

 

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