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JulieJordanScott in Bakersfield is doing 30 things including…

Write a note to my younger self about something I know now that I didn't know then

1 cheer

 

JulieJordanScott has written 12 entries about this goal

Irony

I was just reading past entries here and I had to laugh when I read the entry I wrote in July, 2007, shortly before the “Saga of Sam and His Education and Atypical Neurology” began.

Oh, my Lord.

The sweetness in my letter to me then? Ohhhh, tears.

Can anyone say tears?

Can anyone give me a kleenex?

:-)

And it feels so good.



Dear September, 2007 self

I am almost speechless, remembering that ever present ache, I can see it, dripping icey sweat from your core – sitting on the bleachers at Bakersfield College, Kern Shakespeare Festival rehearsal.

You probably would have a difficult time believing all this would work out.

The dismay that coats your forehead will give way to relief. The fresh scab, the one you consistently tear open? It will become a silvery half moon, one which reflects wonder rather than pain.

I wish I could stretch back to you from here, reassuring you, inviting you into boldness, knowing someday you will sit in a park, watching Sam play and engage, stretch and grow.

You, my love, will become an expert, in compassion as well as in science, that others will turn towards.

Your face will turn towards the sun, accepting the heat on one side and the slight chill on the other.



I have been thinking about

writing a letter from my self now to my future self.



To me, on August 1, 2007

Get ready, love.

You’ve already been through it this year, but ya know what? Its going to get worse before it gets better.

And you know what else?

You’ll make it through this. You will.

Just take a deep breath and please, relax your shoulders.



I wonder what myself in a year

would say to myself, today?



Dear 14 Month Old Me,

(I couldn’t resist, something else came up already)

Your Mommy is at the hospital, having your little brother. I know, how can that be? You are the baby of the family.

I heard Uncle Jim call you a Dandy Baby too so I can’t explain why would they need another one baby. This baby is another “God planned” baby, just like you were.

You two are the lucky ones.

Its hard even for Jeff and Jim and Susie to understand why your parents keep going to the hospital and bringing home more babies, but they have been through this before – last time it was just recently when you were born.

This baby is different than the rest of you, but your Mommy and Daddy will tell you to treat him the same. You will have to understand, though, that he is not the same. That’s part of the reason both Mommy and Daddy will be so distracted yet pretend not to be distracted.

It is why Daddy will get really sad. It’s hard not knowing what will happen to any of your children. Daddy worries that it is his fault that your baby brother is different.

Mommy doesn’t even ever allow her thoughts to go there.

For your whole childhood you will get used to people staring at your family, whispering… you will know pains that you just can’t understand.

I know, sweet baby – that you do understand love and cuddles and hugging. I know you can’t even walk yet. Don’t rush it. Once you start walking, you won’t be carried much anymore so stretch it for all its worth. And later on, when you are bigger, you don’t have to be so darn independent all the time.

Cry when you need to, babydoll. Keep smiling at the shadow reflections you see. Still sing. Sing a lot.

Call out to God when there is no one else who seems to hear you. God will rock you and cradle you every single time.

Everything is going to be ok.

With Love and Longing,

The Future Julie
Who knows more and yet less, too.



This is one I will continue to do

over time. Even in this past day, lots of amazing stuff is coming up. This year – the seventh year since I conceived my son….is also re-opening my eyes.

I will keep scooping up former Julie’s in my arms and writing. Great idea.



7 years ago self

Dear Julie,

You are brave enough to face this and live this out. You can do it. Every day remind yourself that all experiences point to your destiny, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

You are going to have a little boy at the worst possible time for YOUR plans. Yes, a boy.

Shortly after his birth one of the biggest tragedies will hit American soil, close to where you were raised. The people behind the tragedy want to scare you, want to frighten you – don’t let them have your heart… do not be afraid.

Ask God for help more. You are not alone, ever. Just ask. And ask again. You will be amazed about the ways provision shows up for you when you are open to it. Ask again. Open your arms, receive.

You are not being punished, you are being given a grand and glorious opportunity.

Open your arms, Julie.

Receive.

So Much Love,

Slightly Older You



Dear 18 year old Julie,

Congratulations! You graduated from high school… early. You have always been exceptional at setting goals and reaching them… and you look better than you have ever looked in your life.

You are so adult for your years. Let loose in productive creative ways, dear one. Don’t waste time with immature boys and men-wanna-bes who don’t understand the you behind the constant smiles. Find someone who wants to read your poetry, listen to your poetry.

You don’t have to lead everything. You are a natural leader, yes – but please relax a little before starting your college years.

And before you go away, tell John where you are going and when you will come home. If you don’t, he will think you deserted him because he did something wrong. Everyone else knows what is going on but you have been his one consistency for years. He needs to know.

Pete will break your heart. Love him deeply anyway. He is worth it and so are you. Act like you are worth it, because you are. I don’t mean to be so abrupt about his breaking your heart, but the sooner you know the better off you will be.

Take your time to fully experience everything. Go slow. Life is not a race. Breathe deeply. Look into everyone’s eyes, touch them when you speak to them simply for the joy of soulful connection.

Your sophomore year will bring Tom into your life. Introduce him to Mel and allow love between them to bloom. Follow your instincts to not get entangled with him romantically. Stay in closer touch, though. Don’t let distance keep you from Mel and Tom. Ever. Don’t ask me why right now, just know it.

When you are in school, sing more. Perform more. Hook up with some of the artsier folks, not just on the periphery.

This is going to be such a great experience. Relish it.

So much love and admiration
for you -

Your Older Self



To the 11 year old me

Dear Eleven Year Old Julie,

There is something coming that will change your life. You will try to blot it out of memory because you haven’t had many models of how to deal with pain. Your family likes to deny pain because they think, somehow, it is easier this way.

Not to be disrespectful, sweet Julie, but sometimes your family is wrong with how they process information and details to you.

It is perfectly ok to emote. It is expected, as a matter of fact, for a girl your age. Most girls your age cry and throw something that looks like a toddler’s temper tantrum. Some girls your age even talk back to their parents and some girls stick up for themselves (or can at least rely on an older sibling, if there is one, to have their back.)

Your Dad is going to begin to drink more and it has nothing to do with anything you have done or didn’t do. Don’t even think about taking the blame. Your Mom is going to get even busier and she will expect you to take on more chores. Sue won’t be able to do her share because of her activities and ya know what? It is ok to be the reliable one – just
be sure Sue occasionally pitches in.

(You might have to ask someone else to help with this and you know what else? Asking people for help doesn’t mean you are not extremely capable – we know you are capable… asking for help means you are wise enough to know where you are less strong and need fortification.

That takes insight, dear Julie.

Middle school is tough. You will survive it. A lot of your friends, folks you don’t hang out with right now, really respect you a lot more than you would ever know. Hug them, hold into them, remind them of their gifts and talents.

Sweet Julie? I am falling asleep and need to end this letter. While I sleep, I will see if there is anything else I need to share with you. Tomorrow, if I need to, I will write a PS.

You are love,

More grown up Julie



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