DAILY: Tell everyone how my day was...

of little sleep. Sam has a new bunkbed, which he is going to share with Emma. He was completely excited to sleep there, but like any other transition, it takes longer for him.

I told them I would sleep in the room with them, in the extra bed that is in that room so that Sam would feel less anxious, but what I wasn’t prepared for was his noisy-ness in going to sleep. I thought I could just close my eyes and conk out but NOOOO… first we watched a Fashion Talk Show… which I pretty much enjoyed, actually… and then when we turned the lights out Sam continued to toss and whisper to himself… and turn and whisper to himself… I think I may have gotten two hours sleep. Once I finally got to sleep, Emma crawled into bed with me because she “had a bad dream”... so… hopefully they will both sleep in so I can get some morning writing done.

Yesterday was, all in all, a pretty sucky day. I was mostly a hermit. Today I think Hank and I will go walking on the bluffs. I need to be out, moving, breathing, etc.

My friends have been calling me and I pretty much am not answering or calling them back, either, as I don’t have the energy or desire to go out or hang out or anything.

And to top it off, I am trying to work out the whole Flagstaff situation. I don’t know if we will be able to go and I am thinking about how it is going to feel to let my kids down once again. I am tired of letting them down with such consistency.

Wow, not quite a cheery post.

I am having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep lately. I recognize this insomnia as something that started with John’s death and has followed me this year.

Its weird because I have never had such long periods of insomnia before. I think I got two hours of sleep last night. I enjoy the quietness of everyone else sleeping and me being awake, but I am limited in what to do to fill my time so I mostly read and write in my notebook and think, think, think.

Last night I read the last ten pages of my last blue lined conversation notebook, written on October 16. It was put in a box for sending off, but then the recipient asked me not to send it so here it stays. I need to send that box somewhere. Just not sure where. It doesn’t belong here and is part of me getting on with getting on.

But oh, the words are sweet. I have been thinking of photocopying them so I have a record.

I also thought of just putting the box in the center of a fire and burning it all. Who knows. I just know it is not supposed to still be here and its presence is evidence of another clog. I have an idea, just came to me. I think it will work.

Christmas went well.

Today is important for Sam, too, an appointment with Kern Regional Center. I am nervous about it. Vaguely.

Mostly I am just drained. I might mark this goal DONE and continue to update daily through my Gratitude list, which seems like the most relevant place to keep track of all that is pure and good and right.

Tonight, if all goes as planned, she is having dinner with Bianca, my former foster daughter turned porn-star-wanna-be who is doing her annual “gee, it would be great to be a part of a family” routine. I sound so cynical.

Soon I am starting the after school schlep routine that I am really getting tired of doing, luckily our winter break is almost here to break from all of that.

I need to pick Katherine up because she needs me to bring a deposit for her “Wicked” field trip which is taking place in February. That is at 3:15. And then I need to hang out for a bit before going to fetch Emma and have her at the theater by 6. Think I’ll just bring her home and do her hair here, at home and then the schlep to the theater and home again.

There is a part of me that is itching to go out tonight, be amongst people and all that, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to continue with my hermit routine, which is getting odd. There is an art show at 6 PM that I should attend, make an appearance, whatever – but I just don’t feel up to it.

Please, let this I don’t feel up to being around people be over soon. I am sick of it! (Consider that a prayer.)

Today I am in that space of officially being worried about myself. It doesn’t happen often, but right now… yeah, I think I am. I have these really great times… like last night at “Miracle” but today, t-a-n-k-i-n-g.

Plummeting into the hole…...........

Ok. I am going to rise from here, wash dishes and start the schlep.

Woo hoo?

I just got a myspace message that the poetry group is meeting at a coffee house downtown rather than Russo’s at the marketplace which is good for me, works better but I am still not sure if I will go or not. My energy is just flagging big time.

I have dinner cooking, should be ready by Emma’s self appointed “if I don’t eat in a moment I will die of starvation” time.

Katherine has her church covenant group tonight and I am tired of schlepp schlepp schlepping kids hither and yon all the time. (Sorry for the lapse into whining.)

I did go to Sam’s future school today, which was pretty ok. I am just concerned that there isn’t a better fit for him, educationally. In a school district as massive as this one, there really should be something better given the increasing rates of autism and its not going away.

They have classrooms for kids that are lower functioning, but for high functioning kids, aspie kids, nothing really…so we will see how this classroom goes, but if he gets bored which I suspects he will, there will be trouble.

Sigh

Ok, I need to finish getting dinner ready.

At least I enjoyed making my videos today and working on the gift I am making for him.

today.

More like I feel like I am trying to walk along the top of a roller coaster car while it is going up and down and up and down and up and down!

Good stuff is I got a DPA out, I got another self portrait video up, a load of laundry is going, got some of the photos from the shoot done, took Hank and Sam for a walk, decluttered a bunch of stuff from my bedroom – and now its time to run errands.

Phew.

the last time I posted was Sunday. Yeah, that’s accurate. And the following days have been roller coaster rides.

Sam’s IEP is Wednesday. The whole situation with Sam’s education is definitely at the forefront of my mind these days. The latest toll that it is taking is my inability to stay asleep.

I called the woman at the local parent-resource center who is supposed to attend IEPs with parents who need it, but she is now out of town until Tuesday, the 4th. (Or away from the office… originally it was last Tuesday. So I am nervous about the IEP being scheduled for Wednesday with no support.

Maybe I will call and see if anyone else is available.

Ok, logging off here to go clean my bathrooms. Now that is intoxicating.

I walked into my house just now after running out to grab my camera. I stepped over the threshold and it felt as if my house hugged me.

It was warm, just warm enough… and the scent of pumpkin spice cookies greeted me, giggling. I swear, the smell giggled.

Heaven.

The last couple days have been fun. Highlights include starting to get the house transitioned into Christmas mode. We put up the Christmas lights outdoors, the stockings are up, and Sam has made sure there are a variety of ornaments out already.

“The Importance of Being Earnest” closed last night. We had great houses, a really fine run to be proud of indeed. I wish I could have had just a smidge more time. Last night Sarah hosted a cast party. Only about half the cast came but we ended up having a rather intellectual conversation until 3 am so it was good, I love conversations like that, actually.

I have this open space now, working on what to create within it. A part of me is scared and a part of me is gratefully exhilarated.

Because I only had two hours of sleep last night I took a long nap and Emma was sick, so she ended up crawling in bed with me. I love that, simply love that – my kids cuddling.

Sam joined me at Starbucks for my Sunday night hang-out time. No one else came (I am glad I didn’t send a reminder!) because Sam was in rare form. He is even clingier than usual these days, which I am hoping goes away as I don’t have rehearsals, etc. And I need to think up different “escape strategies” when I do need to go places without him.

I was supposed to go to the hotsprings today but too many people cancelled. Wah. And since I was tired and not feeling so great, its for the best. Soon, soon.

If My Muse is going to make it here before December 1 it would need to be sometime in the next five days. Its weird, this unknowing. And I am pleased it isn’t bothering me… (I just feel the need to know what to do with my schedule!)

I need to go to sleep. I hope Katherine likes those cookies in her lunch, the ones that are making the house smell soooo festive!

Another Friday night and I don’t want to go to the theater. I know once I get there I will be fine, but right now, I just don’t want to go. I will put on my make-up and walk out of here and I will be ok, but man, my motivation is just nil.

Really nil.

It’s so weird!

When I took Sam to the doctor today she asked me how I was doing. Is it that obvious that I am not feeling well, emotionally?

I spent 15 minutes crying this morning, luckily got it all out. (I got married 22 years ago today. Just kinda throws that loss in my face, year after year. Its not like I miss the marraige because I don’t, but I do long for a good relationship. Yet now, with everything I am going through with Sam, I feel I am even less of an attractive “package” than I was in the past. Its one thing to be with a Mom with kids, but a Mom who comes with a kid with special needs? I won’t start crying again…)

Ok I am going to start getting ready.

and there were some kinda decent moments in the middle.

Sam was on my nerves a lot today. He was fixating on the playground at Burger King and satellite dishes today. Satellite dishes have caught his attention, so any sort of tower that has any sort of dish… and he is seeing them. In surprising places like at Kern Schools (which is what I call it, or THE BANK but whose official names is Kern Schools Federal Credit Union and by God don’t call it ANYTHING less than that in his earshot.)

He doesn’t mean to be on my nerves and a part of me feels bad for admitting it. But it is just what is.

I got some photos printed today, oh, they are so pretty. I look at my work and say WOW. I am a decent photographer.

I also printed up a photo Samantha Gonzales took of Sarah and me that I adore. I printed one for Sarah, too. She is so cute. I will miss doing “Earnest” with her.

I finished the birthday gift for My Muse. His birthday is tomorrow – and I have no idea when I will see him, but his gift will be ready! That makes me laugh, gleefully, actually.

He said a while back… last time we spoke, like a month ago or something? I would need to look in my notes to see when that was… which is amazing for me who usually pays such close attention but I digress. He said he would be in Kern County briefly before December 1, and that he would see me then. I am not holding my breath.

I am hopeful. And I am unsure. I have his care package still waiting. And now, his birthday gift. So he will have plenty of reading material after he comes-and-goes-quickly-soon… or whenever the next time I see him is, which could be the summer for all I know.

Last year I procrastinated on his gift. I made it after his actual birthday because he came to town in early December. I gave it to him on the last night I saw him, which was December 13/14.

I made him a WAYYYY cool gift last year.

I like this year’s gift, too – which is somewhat more conventional but still… uniquely me to say the least.

I spent this evening at a meeting for First Friday in December and beyond… a bunch of artists attended and are going to participate. Then I went to a rehearsal for Top Dog/Underdog because I am writing an article about it for Random TIme.s

(It is being put on by Bakersfield College and I am really excited to help promote the show, the first Pulitzer Prize winning play by an African American woman playwright.)

I came home feeling so excited to be an artist in Bakersfield right in this moment of time.

That is how tired I am.

I am actually going to sleep in Katherine’s room tonight, I may veg on her bed and watch TV (something I can not remember doing in eons) but my body is so physically spent my legs are warm in that weird buzzy way.

We did our usual church routine this morning and Katherine had a matinee so I was home with Sam and Emma. It rained today and Sam kept escaping into the yard to play in the rain. It was exciting to him but the laundry won’t be so exciting for me tomorrow.

I went to a memorial service for a baby that was stillborn at 4 in the afternoon. It was a beautiful service, very emotional. I am so glad I went to support the parents in a way that only I can since I also experienced a stillbirth. I know the pain of this oft overlooked sort of loss.

I had focused on joyful receiving earlier in the day, and on my way to the service I went to a Java Drive Thru place and the server was a friend of mine I haven’t seen in eons. She gave me my mocha for free. I thought, “Joyful receiving works!”

When it was over I felt wrung out emotionally though, but wanted to go to an art show, supporting all the local art scene stuff so off I went.

I found my friends Trish and Susan and after a few minutes Trish offered to buy me a drink (more joyful receiving, I guess I wasn’t supposed to spend my own money on me today!)

Later on Jen, Todd, Rusty, Carmen and Ben showed up. There was a great Rock-a-Billy band that played, I had fun dancing in place.

I came home and shuttled Katherine to her friend’s house and than ran to pick up a few essentials at the store, came home, read a bit and am writing this and now… yes, I am going to go to sleep.

Night sweet friends. Hopefully tomorrow I will write more!