eliminate the stuff from my life which doesn't fulfill me spiritually, emotionally or creatively

I am letting go…..

were the last words of meaning I said to Railroad Man.

Whenever I have repeated conversations that lack substance, form or are downright negative, I step back and say “enough.”

These were the clinchers in the endings of my last three relationships.

So, when I heard myself say, “This is not adding to my life” – meaning the same conversation we have had countless times, I realized, this is good. this is enough. i am done.

He hung up on me, which clinched the deal.

because it just didn’t feel worth it. I was actually having conflicts with the Director (I am so unused to conflicts) and I just wasn’t having any fun.

Things seem to be on the mend and for now, I am sticking with it – but praying things get easier.

I have decided y’all remind me of this! that after this show and “She Loves Me” I want to try to not do theatre that involves me away from home in the evenings. I want to be home in the evenings with the children, especially Katherine since I don’t have much more time with her.

I will miss it I am sure, but I only have her for a finite time.

So, I am looking forward to today being over. So inspiring, eh?

I am helping with the Bakersfield Community Theatre awards show. This awards show is probably the single event that made me quit my work with that theatre and yet, here I am, helping again!?

I allowed myself to get guilted into it. I am not doing that anymore.

Today, the curtain closes on getting guilted into doing things I really don’t want to do.

12 hours from now, this event will be history!

I am feeling frustration in the pit of my stomach.

It hurts.

I am dropping a couple things this week. I didn’t get the chance to paint Katherine’s room though I did declutter.

I am not going to commit to do anything if there is any glimmer of “I really don’t wanna.” Right now I have two of these sorts of things hovering about me, things that I am supposed to do this weekend.

yech.

and as usual, the bug is catching.

Katherine accumulated a lot of junk on her floor, part of my task in taking this room apart and putting it back together is to create spaces for stuff so lots of it won’t end up back on the floor.

This doesn’t fit exactly because rehearsal/shows DO fulfill me creatively, spiritually and emotionally… all three, actually…

yet I am feeling called to stop for a bit, to focus on my children and my writing, especially… and am trusting that when I am called to do something, I will hear it more clearly because I won’t have the “interference” of working on a show.

I have been so blessed this year with the roles I have played. Fantastic!

this is me and my “stage daughter”, Haley….

until today – four days later.

In the past, this would have caused almost ridiculous amounts of upset.

Now – it was mildly frustrating and I chose to be ok with it. I didn’t get upset or rant or anything, becuase it didn’t change anything.

This feels good, to know this level of peace.

(I tell you, I am not usually possessed so heartily by Saints!) but anyway, this man, Francis de Sales, is an amazing man, a life changer extraordinaire and stubborn as, well, as me…

And he said this:

“Have patience with all things, But, first of all with yourself.”

Saint Francis de Sales

Which I found perfect (and not just a little bit amusing) given my last post.

Ok.

So now I am going to leave the keyboard again to make some lunch and to call my Mom back, since she is about to miss the 1 PM deadline I created. LOL.

(and I may eventually set up a separate goal for this) but I simply must get rid of my (the first word I wrote is slavery – and arckchimama that is so harsh and has so many negative connotations but I don’t know what else to call it yet!)to negative associations with money.

Even writing that I am all tied up in knots over not putting negative energy in here, but damn, I am sick of the cycle of highs and lows and backs and forths basically caused by not having enough sometimes some of the time and sometimes much of the time.

I need to name it, work on it, work through it, and move on – you know what I mean?

Sheesh. This needs to go under my courage goal, too – because admitting this is a big deal.