share stories of the intriguing and not so intriguing men that show up in my life

attentive to me this week, even in absence. He is leaving for Michigan on Friday morning and we won’t see each other for a few weeks. I am ok with it, much more secure in his return than the last time he left.

And completely unrelated to Railroad Man (except for the fact that I can’t talk about this sort of thing when he is around) I have been in contact with a former-love-of-mine.

I had thought about being in contact with him for years but never figured out how… I discovered him on Facebook and we have been emailing fairly steadily. I am enjoying the contact immensely, but haven’t really talked about it just because… sometimes I feel like I don’t know how over him I have been all these years. I mean, its easier when there is no contact – but there was a part of our past together that probably meant nothing to him that just still sits in the center of my being.

I try not to let the little things he writes mean stuff, because they probably don’t mean a thing to him. It is just different to feel the unsettled feelings I feel. I am no longer the plunge ahead, no holds barred Julie I used to be.

Instead, I hesitate – out of conscious intent, not fear (had to check in with myself out about that).... and that hesitation, because it is new, feels unsettling, too.

my beating heart. He asked me to do a show He is directing. Goes up in January. He gave me first dibs on the role I want to do.

My crush on him is still active, even with my relationship with Railroad Man. Why can’t I be normal and be satisfied with what I have?

He wasn’t sure about his schedule so now he is in a town about 2 and a half hours away from me until Monday morning, when he is back in Bako for nine days straight.

I am about to enter my busiest season, now until January. This could be a make-or-break thing for the Railroad Man and me, since he is something of an attention hog, drama queen and just likes having me around.

I have been having some really fun evenings of texting with a man-friend of mine who I will call GL. I have mentioned him here before but I have no idea what I called him… so this makes it easy. GL.

Anyway – he and I have been friends for several years, attempted or sort of flirted with the idea of getting into a relationship but communication glitches lead us down the path to nowhere and here we are, still friends.

Lately I have been texting him randomly and we almost always get into spirited discussions. Last night we got into a flirty discussion which was REALLY fun.

Apparently he had a dream in which I played his co-star. heh heh heh. I realized I like being in people’s dreams! We texted for about an hour before I went to sleep, but it was just grand fun flirting back and forth… playing the coquette and laughing out loud as we texted.

Felt silly and giddy and ridiculous.

Nothing bad with silly, giddy OR ridiculous. It was a great before-sleep-treat.

We texted last Friday during a football game. I was actually sitting outside the stadium in my car while Katherine and her friend Emma were inside, watching. That was fun, too.

Both nights, I realize, could have lead to us getting together, but I really don’t want to get together. I am just as satisfied texting. I am still in this odd relationship with Railroad Man and while I always think it is on the brink of ending, I need to honor it while it is still here.

He was a friend of a friend and we talked and talked and talked and talked and had an all around great time.

Completely unexpected.

Nineteen years older than me.

And when he left part way into the fourth quarter and we had exchanged names he asked if I would be at the game next week and if it would be ok to look for me.

I said “Sure!” in my usual friendly way and then I worried, “Is that like asking me for a pre-date?”

Not that I would mind, I think we would have loads to talk about and he seems like a man who gets soulfulness, which is probably one of the reasons he enjoyed talking with me so much.

We covered all the stuff you aren’t supposed to talk about… politics, religion… and then nature, wildlife, geology,people with “disabilities”, etc. We didn’t, however, talk about sex unless you consider his last inquiry.

Ok, I am outta here for a while.

if he will come back from his trip to Michigan or not?

He has a pay-as-you-go cell phone and he ran out of minutes. He once told me if he was going to break up with me, he would just disappear and I wouldn’t be able to find him.

Interesting.

I am waiting.

I have been having some incredible experiences I don’t feel comfortable sharing here. Just wanted to share that they are happening.

:-)

‘Nuff said.

He sent a sweet email today after I emailed him about “my husband” (the actor portraying my character’s husband) in YCTIWY playing “my husband” again!

He said his one regret in YCTIWY was not giving “my husband” the boot.

Hey, maybe HE could play my husband again! I actually think he would be GREAT in this role… anyway!

Apparently he has been thinking about much of what we have talked about in the previous weeks and our in-person experiences are enjoying a bit of “early in the relationship renaissance”....

Even though we aren’t “doing” anything particularly earth-shattering, we are having a splendid time together.

Last night, for example, we saw the worst play I have seen in, maybe forever, but we salvaged the night with some singing and some drinking and some laughing and some amazing… intimacy.

He is remembering what I am saying, asking for… and the love is continuing.

We will see what happens next.

Could be anything.

starting, or continuing, to grate on me.

I think he is going to be away this weekend after being rather tortured about how he was going to get down here for the weekend, just HAVING! to see me before I leave for Flagstaff blahdy blahdy blah.

Tonight we haven’t spoken but have been exchanging texts that keep getting tangled up in goo of mixed and missed and scrambled texts.

I think he really doesn’t want to come here on a subconscious level, would appreciate a weekend of quiet, but he thinks I think he MUST come see me or something.

I am at the point of not caring, the point of “a weekend without him would be a blessing!” so I can focus on getting my kids to Flagstaff, leaving on Sunday afternoon rather than Monday morning, hanging out with Emma (alone) when she gets home from camp.

Just yesterday I thought he and I were breaking up (its been the ongoing story of our relationship) but I think its more like a communication glitch fest.

Ay. Tired of this.

I keep thinking “If I was free of Railroad Man, I could actually pursue Him and do things like talk to Roger again….” (Roger is a friend-formerly-more-than-a-friend who I really enjoy hanging out with occasionally but as long as I am with Railroad Man, forget that option!)

Anyway, I am going to try to reach RRMAN a couple times before I go to sleep.

A big part of me screams “WHY?!” but there is this weird, undeniable, visceral connection between the two of us.

So, I will call. And then sleep with the phone in my hand, like a sixteen-year-old.