become a monk

Everything I read about monasticism speaks to me, everything about the life appeals to me. I think it’s the only dream I have that I really feel good and right about putting my faith and hope in. I think the oddest thing about this goal is that it’s something that few people understand. Most of my friends and aquaintences at work don’t understand, old friends think it’s funny, people seem to be more inclined to be skeptical or warn against it rather than understand and support the decision. It’s almost become a secret; I might mention it to people at Church but I’m socializing less at Church which has really been the only place where I ever find anyone who understands the goal; even people at Church are full of warnings and raised eyebrows. Seems to me that people are so quick to shoot down the idea; I don’t know why – so I keep it to myself, sharing it only in my prayers.

God help me; I want to be a monk more than anything else in the whole world.

Now I don’t want to give the impression that I just pulled this idea out of my hat because I didn’t. I actually served a novitiate already at a monastery of the Russian Orthodox Church, which lasted for over two years. I’ve also traveled throughout Egypt visiting all the monasteries, also have gone to Mount Sinai to the Holy Monastery of Saint Catherines, as well as made a pilgrimage to the Holy City of Jerusalem living in monasteries the whole time. I’ve been intigued with monasticism and ascescis since I was a child, and for a person who otherwise has very little self control or discipline, it’s odd to say that I do quite well in a minimilist environ. The only catch is that I can’t seem to create it on my own. If that’s the environment I’m in then I soar like a bird; try to recreate it for myself on the outside? Forget it. I have come to believe that I’m one of these people that need monasticism; I miss it, and when I think about what I want to accomplish before I die, when I consider it all – all the possibilities – I keep coming back to the same thing. I want to be a monk. I want to live as a monk, and I want to be a monk when I die. God help me.

I was half-kidding when I first wrote this. I think I selected “join a monastery” the same day I selected “commit suicide” – which I later deleted because I decided on second thought it wasn’t so funny. Well on second thought joining a monastery isn’t so funny either, except I think I may do it. Joining a monastery is something I really really want to do. If things go like I hope I’ll be in a monastery in five years. I’ll post as soon as I make some progress. Right now it’s transportation first, then I can work on this.