I never intended to stop asking for forgiveness, I do that and always will, but what I intended to stop and feel I’ve made evident progress in stopping is the business of saying “I’m sorry” for everything when either a)it’s not my fault and b)there is a better way of expressing it. Now, if I feel empathy I don’t say “I’m sorry” instead I say “I understand” – it’s much better… even when I do feel that I should ask for someone’s forgiveness I instead will either ask for forgiveness or state that “I apologize” somehow it’s not construed the same as saying “I’m sorry” – I don’t know what it is about those two words “I’m sorry” but whenever you say that people take it to mean that you think you’re a sorry son of a b, that you’re weak and taking blame for everything. Words are powerful, changing how I express myself is important. That’s what I’ve learned.
JunkYardSaint has written 4 entries about this goal
talk myself out of this goal before I complete it. It’s true that one needs to be careful not to over apologize, and after much reflection I think what I really need to do is word things differently, for example when I empathise or feel sympathy for someone I should just tell them so intead of saying “I’m sorry” – it leaves it wipe open to be construed as meaning that I think I’m culpable for whatever that particular misfortune may be. Personally, the more I think about it, the more I think that the goal shouldn’t ought to be so much that we (who have this little tendency)apologize too much, but rather that the rest of the world doesn’t apologize enough; and that people are eager to perceive another as ‘weak’ – I’ll keep this for awhile; I never gave this particular idiosyncracy of mine so much thought until I posted this and started writing about it; it’s really quite an interesting “issue” because I’ve struggled with it for years, truly since I was a child, yet this is the first time I’ve ever acknowledged it in such a way that I’m forced to think about it, talk about it; even if “talking about it” is just my inner dialogue, that it’s typed out allows me to look at my thoughts and reflect on them.
Yes yes, obviously it’s an issue that I need to work on or else it would have never made my list, however I’m rethinking it a bit and don’t know that it’s the same “issue” that I initially thought it was.
Still working on it; still thinking about it; I’m beginning to think that this goal will change to become something slightly different but the end result will be the same; basically what I’m trying to do is stop annoying people with “I’m sorry” every time something makes someone unhappy. I’m not responsible for everyone’s happiness. On the other hand, I also think that I need to reword some of the things I often say without much thought; because there really are lots of times when the sentiment is kind, considerate and empathetic but it comes out as if I’m saying something entirely different. In other words, there are times when I should just tell the person that I understand how they feel; that’s all it is I’m trying to say; that way I still say what I’m feeling and no one has to freak out about me apologizing too much.
It’s funny too but another thing that occurs to me is that I’ve always had this secret attitude or feeling that people who complain about others that apologize “too much” are just arrogant people picking on someone who’s really just being kind and humble. But maybe not; I mean, I guess I can temper that statment with the admission that I am a certified nut bar.
but I really am sorry, I just can’t say I’m sorry because people will think I’m weak. Saying your sorry makes you vulnerable.
You know, I was thinking the other day, a lot of times I will say “I’m sorry” when what I really mean to convey to the other person is that I understand, I empathize, I have sympathy for; ...you know kind of like when someone says in the course of a conversation (for example) blah blah and then we went to yada yada for my mother’s funeral, she had died earlier that week. Then quite naturally the other person in the conversation might say “Oh my, your mother passed away? Gosh, I’m sorry.” – Well, that seems to be accepted, but if someone is talking about something else, like say for example that maybe they mention that they had a flat tire on the way to their Doctor’s appointment, I’m compelled to say to them “I’m sorry” – not intending to mean that I’m sorry because it’s my fault, but rather that I understand, I empathize, or to say “I feel ya” to put it in the current hip hop vernacular. Somehow though it’s always construed as to mean I take personal responsibility for it; it’s as if you can’t say “im sorry” without “mia culpa” being implied. It’s not fair I tell ya! I’m not sure, maybe I need to look that damn word up; maybe I somehow got the wrong idea insofar as just what the dang word MEANS but for some reason I’ve had it in my head that to say “I’m sorry” is a good thing, a quality that shows humility and empathy; instead it’s construed to mean that I’m a sorry ass, that it’s “my fault” and that I’m weak and vulnerable.
Don’t get me wrong; I do believe this is an issue, I do believe that I evidently (according to others if I’m to be honest, I’ve been given the advice by many people many times that I need to “stop saying you’re sorry” or “stop apologizing all the time” ... but even if there is a high percentage of truth, I don’t wish to sound defensive, and I realize it probably does, but I just think that there are a few sides to this issue, and to be fair I just want to mention this other side; I wonder if I’m the only person who’s noticed this.
Apologizing too much wouldn’t be such a bad thing, it shouldn’t be such a horrible thing; but I do understand the complaint I guess; I guess that if I’m really honest I must admit that even I find myself irrated at friends that over-apologize, especially Mike who apologizes all the time but never does anything to rectify or correct anything, he creates this “boy who cried wolf” syndrome where in his apologies have become meaningless. I think that’s the danger for all of us with this problem, at least I know that I sure can relate to that.
So well anywahy; to sum it up, let me just say that I’m sorry but I’m not going to say that I’m sorry, especially when I’m not sorry, but even when I am, I think I’ll try to use another word closer suited to express these feelings of empathy and understanding; not so much “I’m sorry” but rather I understand. Maybe “I feel ya” or ummm… maybe I should just oughta shut my damn mouth and not say anything to anyone anymore. That might be the best way to prevent being misunderstood. To quote Kermit the Frog “It ain’t easy being green”
On the one hand, yes it’s true; I need to stop apologizing for everything. It’s irratating. I’ve known other people, not many, but one or two other people come to mind that I’ve met or been aquainted with who had the same propensity to apologize for everything under the sun, and yes, it can be annoying. That said, there is another little character default that I see more often that offends me twice as much, and those are the people who for some reason find it impossible to apologize for ANYTHING. These people, if you ever happen to take them into your circle of friends, seem to be MORE annoyed with this tendency that others of us have to over-apologize it seems; and I can’t help but wonder if maybe it bothers them so much because they view saying “I’m sorry” as such a weak, distasteful act themselves; it somehow bothers them to see someone sincerely sorry. I really do not understand these people; and maybe it’s my life-long problem with people who refuse to apologize for anything that partly motivates me to apologize that much more. They aren’t very forgiving either; if you apologize to them they’re the first to point out that you dont “need to apologize” ...yet they seem to refuse to ever forgive or acknowledge an apology; not by reassuring you everything is fine, or saying anything kind; instead they just say “Don’t apologize” as if you just broke some cardinal rule: Thou shalt not apologize or admit culpability. These people aren’t bothered because you apologize for things that aren’t your fault, they’re apparently of the opinion that ANY kind of an apology is somewhow wrong. Who teaches these people this? Has anyone else ever noticed this?
Anyway….. regardless of this issue, not everything is my fault; when I start apologizing for the weather or apologizing or using the words “I’m sorry” when what I really mean to say is that “I sympathize with your issue then well, it’s time to start considering eliminating “I’m sorry” from my everyday vocabulary. If one “over-uses” a word it eventually loses it’s meaning.
I’m sorry but I have to stop saying I’m sorry.
