feel the fear and do it anyway

It seems, lately, that I’m having to stick up for myself and others a lot at work, for things that either had nothing to do with us or for things that we did with the best of intentions, with complete understanding of the consequences, and with good success. It feels uncomfortable to me to do this – I feel like I’m rabble rousing or something – but sometimes these things need to be said.

I’ve done this twice recently; once yesterday at work over an “ethical” issue that I feel is necessary to speak out about; and all last week, sharing words and feelings with a family member that I’m more prone to avoid than talk to most of the time. Well, at least this year. Both of these have been scary situations. At work, there’s the constant uneasiness about being black-balled if you speak up. With my family member, it’s more a fear of being misunderstood and falsely accused that keeps me from interacting anymore. It’s been a lot more peaceful to not engage with her, but I’m not convinced that’s the most efficient way to become “unhooked” by this situation.

I recently got a new job at my library as a librarian. In that process, because I moved from a library aide to a librarian, I found out I lost my merit increase this year. I had a wonderful review that happened right around the time I was hired for my new position. In my new position, they started me at the bottom of the pay scale, which was still a couple dollars more than what I was making before. Because there was this difference, HR decided that my merit raise was absorbed in this process. They disregarded my years of work in the system, my last year of hard work given to them, and decided that giving me the minimum wage was all I deserved. In fact, they acted like they were doing me a favor.

I was so angry about this (now I’m just depressed). I felt they were wrong to do this to me. So for the first time in all my years there, I spoke up to both HR and to one of my administrators on how I felt, without a speck of sugar-coating. I told them their policy was unethical and that I felt like they were using me, that nothing I had done in the past year even mattered, and that I’d be looking now more seriously for another job.

Nothing of what I said changed the situation, unfortunately. I am at a crossroads where I could push it higher, but I just don’t think it’ll do any good. And I feel like I just don’t have the energy to fight all the injustice in my system anymore.

I’m proud of myself for being assertive though.

I’m going to focus more on updating my resume and finding a better job than fighting this corruption. It’s too deep and vast for any one person to take on.

I have never done this before and really didn’t want to. But my new salary as a librarian was at the very lowest on the pay scale and I felt that I deserved to still have my merit raise. I summoned my courage and asked for it. And it looks like I’m going to get it! I’m glad I spoke up, even if my new boss seems a little put out at the moment. Us librarians with student loans and only a part-time gig need all the financial help we can get.

and called Sallie Mae to consolidate my student loans today. Then I went online and filled out all the paperwork. I dont know why this was so scary – I guess it is just facing the reality of my debt that I found frightening. But I did it and I am relieved to have my financial ducks in a row, even if I dont know how I am going to pay for it yet.

on the dotted line, despite initial coercion. How could I, without all the pertinent information? This has spiraled into a level of threat that leaves me cold inside and very afraid, as if my very life is in danger. It is not so bad and I know I have overreacted. You don’t always know why you react a certain way to a situation and I feel that there is some old fundamental wound reawakened by this. I could name it but you wouldn’t feel its power. I hope I am doing the right thing here.

I am willing, after meeting him tonight, to say that I could be wrong about the “just friends” vibe I was feeling the last time we met. Tonight was different. Regardless, I feel again that this is a connection I want to keep. Both times after seeing him, I left feeling “light.” I like him.

The fear here is moving too fast, being in rebound mode, doing to someone else what my ex did to me, even if that’s not the intention. I don’t want to hurt someone the way I was just hurt. I want to make sure I am capable of reciprocity and being emotionally available before getting serious again.

On a smaller scale, there was a niggling fear about hugging him and telling him that I enjoyed spending time with him tonight, but I did it anyway. Because that’s how I truly felt and I wanted to share it.

It went pretty well, though I think we are likely to be just friends. I don’t know that I’m ready for anything else right now. He’s a nice guy though and I enjoyed meeting him in person. It’s a connection I’d like to keep.

to meet someone new next week. He found me on the internet and we have heaps in common. I am excited to meet him yet a little scared too. I’m feeling like it’s too soon to fall in love again. Then again, what if he turns out to be an uber-cool friend? And is timing ever perfect? Or what if we have no chemistry at all?

I think I need to just do this and be curious about why this is happening. Because I really am quite curious as to how it is that we haven’t met earlier. And he sounds like a genuinely interesting and nice person. Anything could happpen and that seems thrilling right now. Honestly, there are so many coincidences, I don’t know how I could NOT meet him.

Yeah, it may not seem like a big deal, but I hate the phone and I knew who was probably calling and that it would be unpleasant. But I did it anyway and you know, it turned out to be not even half as scary as I thought it would be. It was actually a really good conversation and I hung up feeling like I’d been given a gift.