finally gave in and am trying meds. hopefully i can stop having panic attacks in class soon
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Kairiel has written 9 entries about this goal
except SOMETIMES i can write massive amounts of insults on my body with pen instead of cutting.
Otherwise i’d say i got worse, i spend most of the time either being DESOLATE, or being guilty and looking up triggering stuff because sadness is NICER.
wheres my backbone gone!?
how do you kickstart happiness when you just dont WANT too?! (the usual i dont deserve happiness, etc etc)
last night was a serious relapse. id done about a week with no binge/purge or cutting.
then i do all at one time. still in the down spiral, but now im binge-eating fruit, so i stopped the junk binge early-ish. :\
So CLOSE.
Today at work, because someone didnt say hi to me(they usually do) i immediatly thought they saw me the way i saw myself(fat ugly worthless pathetic etc etc- depression people!)
and started fingering the beautiful sharp object i purchased should ever i decide to kill myself, while planning how best to kill myself at work.
No, i cant blame pms.
Thankfully, the thought of my parents finding the emergency purging bucket in my bedroom kept me alive. I need to find a way to get rid of that :\. The fact that i couldnt possibly do enough damage to die discreetly behind the counter in a busy shop probably helped.
People talking to me makes me terrified, people ignoring me makes me want to die and/or cry. its GREAT.
Also, hope doesnt exist unless you see it. its personal. I was too lazy to add it into the debate on previous comments. It just makes me annoyed when people say there is hope. IF you have hope, you arent depressed enough.
I have to exercise off 2000 cals now(FAT chance). G’night
Even the lifeline people couldnt think of anything to say to support me. She just recommended that i talk over health interventions with a psych, because at the rate im going i wont survive the year.
5 straight hours of crying. 2 days without sleep. Im going to pass out if i try to stand up.
I also feel sooo sick and HUNGRY but i CANT eat.
Something tells me i should call in sick from work…
And now i have 6 major scars for my future, running along my shin…
I got so scared and panicked at night i just wanted to SLEEP…
And i chose a bad way to go about this “sleep”.
Too scared to go to a hospital, I called a friend to patch me up. :\
2 days later.
So now I’m in pain and scared to be alone.
Still bleeds…
psych thinks it may have something to do with my repression of emotions… directing hate/anger for other people at myself instead of them(because it has to go somewhere)
dont know how im going to change that if its true though. i cant hurt people!!!!
