find my soulmate

so being all for this goal, i’ve always kept my eyes open. i find someone who seemed to fit the description, only to find out while i was playing for keeps, she was playing for fun. to put your all into someone that gives nothing back. and i’m a sucker for going along with it. thinking back, the one i thought was right for me actually was. i was treated the way i treated her. and that is easy to overlook when your inspecting other attributes. it has to be the most important part i feel. getting what you give. it is a two way street, love. and i’ve been going down the wrong way for 3 months! U TURN!!!

still with her. things are going very slow due to work and school schedules. not sure if it’s to be or is. just kinda sticking it out. after a year…i still get nervous. that’s gotta mean something.

it seems that i have hit a wall. find somebody, everything’s right, then they aren’t the person you thought they were. so much for having an open mind. i will not settle. even though it’s called settling down. that’s bullcrap. i could’ve been happy, but it would’ve just been a lie. and eventually caught up with me. so much for trying. i have now become an idle waste of space. i’m not looking anymore. that’s usually when things hit you. plus i’m too busy to be worried about someone else right now. and that is me finally being honest with myself. finally.

i’ve given up. she’s not for me. a regular log in the mud. way beyond stick. i realized how much i do and want to do. still waiting apparantly.

so i’ve been very patient. she’s outta town, and i’m having an easy time trusting her. it’s amazing. i never thought it’d be so different than the last time. we’re still not as close as i “feel” we are, but i’m giving it time and praying. so far, she makes me happy just hearing from her. and that’s a new one on me. she seems to be warming up to me and that’s a good thing. i just wish it was more…

so i did it again. she got back from her trip, and proceeded to not call me or anything for a week. i wanted to call but i didn’t. then i get a call another week later, and she wants me to watch her perform. so i go, i’m glued to my seat, all tense with anticipation. then i see her. my heart races, my palms get sweaty, and i can’t take my eyes off her. what’s going on? why do i feel this way about someone who doesn’t want me around? not a very warrented feeling. and because i don’t know what to say to her now, i’m not going to say anything. i feel like i’m being avoided. that’s what sux about mixed signals. i mix up regular ones, so i’m screwed. not literally. hahaha. so apparently i’m still looking. why?

so i went to see her in the ballet. very nice. i could not take my eyes off her. i was leaning on the edge of my seat, focused so intensly that my eyes started to water from not blinking. and so it went. and so i watched. i was smiling, a true smile, because i was watching someone i care about doing something they love. it was a moment to remember. now i just have to get it again. i’m hooked on that feeling i had. how is it i can’t make her see how much i like her? i did drop everything i was doing to go see her, she knew that. i have been calling just to say hi. i cheer her on when she needs it. sometimes when she doesn’t. just to let her know i care. so it end up me splattering myself on the wall.

i did it i think! i ran her off. why is it that when i get around her, i start spazzing out. so i start by telling her i want to go to japan. but i’m having convictions because i’d have to pretty much give up on everything here. including her. then i proceed to tell her i don’t want to. that she was the first thing i thought about before i decide to go. and i got no response. but she’s in pittsburg doing ballet. great. a week of tension in my head. worries. freaking out. i need to be on prozac or something. of course i did this to myself. i could’ve not even said anything and it would’ve been fine. but i have to tell her don’t i? i’m an idiot. and i’m not being very true to my feelings. i decide on something, and when i doesn’t work at first, i start freaking out. i’m tired of it. so i’m not gonna worry. if i ran her off, then she doesn’t like nice guys, and doesn’t want anyone to care for her. that’s that. and i’ll have to deal with it. dammit.

so she has blue eyes, light brown hair, she’s 5’1”, right handed, has her ears pierced, loves the mall, loves being on stage, dances, wants to visit scotland, is a health freak, wants to get married, never been in love, swears on accident, hates coffee, loves chocolate, sings in the car, likes grape koolaid, taco bell, and chick fillet. prefers wild cherry pepsi, loves geno’s sausage pizza. is a leo, which means she can’t handle critisism. i can’t hold back. i have to give her praise and attention. can’t be reserved, it could be bad. i can’t tease her, and i have to stroke her ego, haha. she likes dancing and movies and cats as a stereotype. which is actually true. she wants a guy with blue eyes, CHECK. light brown hair, CHECK. and must be taller than her, CHECK by a foot. haha. she likes tucker carlson, hates sushi, doesn’t drink or smoke which is good. likes simpsons and mythbusters. and ben steins’ money.
i’m looking for a girl with lighter hair, good sense of humor, smart and quickwitted, very loving and nice to a flaw like myself, is shorter than me, is quiet like me but with an unmistakable wild streak inside. i’m a virgo so i’m easy to get along with. so we go together as a rule. leo and virgo. ok, i’m done gushing. i’m such a spazz. i’m totally taken. i hope it goes well. i had to bail on her thursday. first time ever! i’ll try not to let it happen again.

right when i think this isn’t right for me, she calls and i’m dragged back. it’s definitely not a bad thing! i’m just wishing i could see her more. maybe this is what i’m needing, someone i’m completely into, but can’t see all the time. it makes me anxious to see her, which is new to me. i’m used to them always being around. which i enevitably screw up somehow. many high points to this one. she’s different. she’s smart, funny, gives me a hard time, i wish she called me more, i wish i got to see her more, she’s churchgoing, helps others, very nice, would never yell at me (the biggest turnon ever), and she seems up to try new things. i hope my life takes me down this path. i hope that i get to walk with her while on my way, learning more each day. it seems that’s all ive been thinking about lately. first thing i think about when i get up, and the last thing i think about before i go to bed. i don’t mind. i think i should send her flowers, but it’ll probably be a week before i hear anything from her! hahaha. no, i really should. add some catchy line that can be just ours. who knows, i hope i get to show her these blogs about what was going thru my head when we met and were getting to know each other. so from now on, i’m going to have a theme. this is for you…