Be less shy

Just when I think I have it figured out, I start feeling like a stranger again.
I love it when the conversation is fluid and keeps on going, kind of like if I already know the script and the person I’m talking knows it too. Anxiety can hit at any moment, and who knows why all of a sudden I’m deft to all sounds, the more anxious I get the less I can hear, and the shyer I get.
I love the internet, (I said it before), because you can think about what you are going to say next, and slow down to re-read etc.

I’m getting so used to awkward faces though,the ones I get from people when I say things; if you want to know what I mean, answer next time to any given question with the wrong answer…like ” Q:what is your name? A: Just the other day!”
And then look at the faces, that is what I get all the time.
Oh well!

...I love to interact behind the computer; who knows why I freeze when I’m with real people.
I forced myself to make new friends by finding a group of unschoolers, it helped that they are such sweet nonjudgmental bunch.
I finally decided to approach some moms at the open gym where my kids go, (it is a class just for homeschoolers), something made me feel they were unschoolers because of the way they were interacting with their kids.
I didn’t feel anxious until half way into the conversation, when everyone else started talking among themselves and I start to drift to the edge and get lost in the sea of words, by then I was out in my own thoughts.

I keep trying to be more a part of the group, and they are very welcoming, but I run out of words so easily, I say things that come out totally wrong when I mean them differently. I always feel like I’m trying to mount on the conversation train running beside it, sometimes I catch the handle and climb only to fall out again.
My brain is always having a conversation with me, I wish I could quiet it to listen to others on demand. And you know sometimes it is not even making sense when it talks (the brain) , it is like …uuu look at the pretty patterns on the dress, one two , three birds and a line across, I wonder how they weaved it…maybe they could have added blue, my favorite color…bla bla blaaa all while the other moms are talking about shopping for vegetables or kids …who knows I couldn’t listen!!!

Help my kids not be shy by stop being shy myself.
I noticed over the years that my kids as they grow they get shyer, maybe it has to do with what they see from me.
If they saw me bouncing from stranger to stranger they might do the same, bah!
I don’t want them to feel anxious like I do around people.
Maybe some it’s my imagination and they aren’t all that shy.
Pepa certainly is not, Kami is quite a bit but she isn’t in the times I wish she was.
Andy isn’t , Eddie is a bit…
The unschooling is helping though, weird because the less contact they have with people the more they crave it, and the less afraid they become. Why doesn’t that logic works for me?
I can do it behind the computer where I can order my thoughts and words and I don’t stt-tututututer.
I’m not wah! I was just reflecting on all this shyness thing.

My doctor said it is what I have, and he gave me some pill that does what alcohol would I guess, take away a few inibitions, but it also makes me sleepy and slow…
He gave me also a list of phrases I can use to trick my brain into being comfortable around people. Those might work a bit better.
I’m getting better than I was in my teens that is for sure, maybe when I turn 80 I’ll be a social butterfly.

Teachers and well everyday people…
They are so frightening for some reason.
I don’t like to go to the school meetings because I’m afraid to get into a conversation when I will be lost a few minutes into it.
Tomorrow is the multicultural night, (though I might forget grrr) I’m worried of what they will ask, why you didn’t take them?
ADD is a big part of my shyness, I’m tired of it, and I’m going to go see a doctor on Friday and see if he gives me something new to try that won’t give me migraines, or make me stupid, or sleepy or die.

To hurt someone’s feelings, is probably one of my biggest reasons why I’m shy.
I don’t like to upset someone, I like to make them smile…
I rather be quiet than lie to someone or steer feelings,
I don’t know how to explain this…
I’m very clumsy with words, part because I forget so much, so I ask things that I should have known…because I really knew…but then I forgot or get them confused…

Part of being less shy, I got to stop getting myself into situations of embarrassment.
I don’t know how to do this since I blush with the minimum provocation, or feeling of outsidines…

Like today, they had a field day at the school, and after that they had a thank you for the volunteers of the school during the year, they said they wanted to specially thank the volunteers for the luncheon they had for the teachers.
Well I wasn’t an organizer just a contributor, so I didn’t think I should go there, but then I thought that it is actually rude not to accept thanks from someone when they want to give them, and maybe they meant all volunteers…even the little ones.

I’m not currently that involved into the volunteering at school because I still have two little girls at home that keep me busy, so when I do volunteer is more about bringing what I can instead of being there.

When I got there I found that the group at the library, was of the ones I always recognize for “being there”. I felt so outsiderish, like if I was taking something that wasn’t mine…
All I could say is that “I came to thank you too”...
And eat your ice-cream with my girls that will eat it too and be worried they would ask for more or make a mess.
... and sit here and mingle like I’m not totally wanting to be buried alive at the moment…

They also had the principals to come and thank everyone…
I also looked odd because I was wearing a hat since I was fully intending to be there at the field day (the kids do all kinds of activities outside for fun), I couldn’t go but I had to keep the hat because my hair already had a hat shape…

I promised to myself that next year when I will have 3 kids at the school, and one at home, that I will be volunteering a lot more, which will make me have to socialize with the mom crowd that frightens me…