Have a totally different life by this time next year

Back to my mom’s! OMG! But I am staying positive, and trying to remember that I am doing this sacrificially (like a small lamb, perhaps?) in order to get ahead in the big picture. I wanted to make a note to myself before I move, to remember to take advantage of my situation, instead of taking it for granted. My new situation will help me accomplish a lot of my key goals on here… such as:

• Work out regularly. There is a small but useful little gym in my mom’s apt complex and it is beautiful, boring and safe and hilly and green. I will take advantage of the walking trail and safe neighborhood, and get out there and get active!
• Simplify. I want everything I own to be useful or beautiful, and have all of my belongings meticulously organized in my space and all of my stuff in the garage. My mom wants this for herself too, so I think it will help me to help her organize too.
• Keep my car washed. There is a car port for car washing, so I can get out and wash my car in the beautiful sunshine for FREE!
• Pay off debt. I am reducing my expenses so that I can address my debt (gulp) and finally begin paying it off. I will not take any extra money I have and spend it frivolously. I will be more mature and continue keeping track of earnings and spending.
• Stop drinking. I can’t drink around my mom, so for the first time I am putting myself in a better position to achieve this goal with continued success. Because I want to, not because I have to.

It’s amazing how time keeps on going by, and life keep changing, mostly not because of me. I am tired of being reactive to life and want to be more proactive. I have made a huge decision that makes me nervous, but actually more excited. I am going to move back in with my mom. My new little living situation is okay, and although I love living on my little rooftop studio apartment by myself for the first time, I have decided to sacrifice now in order to progress more long term. (OMG how utterly mature of me… who is this person writing this?) I don’t want to live with my mom (although we do get along really well), she is still my mother and has a tendancy to drive me crazy. I have to remember that I am not moving back home out of failure, or that I cannot support myself. I am deciding to do this so that I can PAY OFF DEBT and save money in my living expenses. My goals for having a totally differnet life have narrowed themselves down into:

1. Pay off Debt (so I don’t have this horrible feeling of baggage hanging over me, and that I can take responsibility for my past mistakes and start fresh)
2. Lose weight and get into better shape
3. Go back to college.

So, I am swallowing my pride and movin’ back home. (gulp) I just realized that it has been five years since I last lived with my mom, and I have lived in five different places since then! (Vegas, Carson City, Garden Grove, Fountain Valley, and now here in Long Beach). I am moving next week (Holy crap) and I am really needing to buckle down and focus. I don’t want to fall back into my old ways, and although I fear this, I truly believe I am a completely different person than I have been in the past. I am going to use this time to work hard on me and capitalize on my mom’s help as opposed to letting her enable me and my negative habits. My HUGE number one goal is to pay down my debt as much as possible. And get back into shape. And then enroll back in college after my debt is in control. There are actually a lot of positive to living with my mom, so I am going to focus on that instead of what scares me or my loss of a bit of independence….

• Being able to walk more- my mom lives in a more spread out suburb, with parks (!) and beautiful hills and green trails. It is much safer than where I am living now, and I can just get out and walk.
• I have a new work out buddy to walk with or lift weights (my mom wants to lose 60 lbs.)
• SAVE money and pay down debt. And I am helping my mom in giving her a few hundred dollars a month. It’s nothing for me, in compared to my usual $1000+ expenses this year, and I think it’ll relieve a bit of financial pressure for her.
• Closer to Irvine (huge corporate jobs abound), and finding a full time job with benefits will be easier, and close!
• Eat better… my mom eats lots of fruits and veggies and will motivate me to eat better!

So, I am excited and nervous. My mom and I are so much alike that we have a tendancy to enable each other with our same negative traits (procrastination, laziness, eating out), and then we quickly swing into getting excited about change and goals and losing weight… but then it tends to not last. I am committed to being a positive influence on her, and putting a huge concentrated effort on myself, so that I can move out within a year, with a fresh start.

Oh! I got this incredible book yesterday at Starbucks that is called “5: Where will you be five years from today?”. It is gorgeous and bound in my favorite color sage green material. My dad has been shoving this concept of a ‘five year plan’ down my throat since I was an infant, and although I have been avoidant of it, I think the concept is right. I am so excited to work on it, as it is a creative workbook… with inspiration and quotes and wonderfulness like that. (Let me know if my fellow Totally Different Life girls want one, and I’ll run down to my Starbucks and see if they have other copies! And send you one!) The back inside cover has one little simple quote that says, “Right now is a good time.”

p.s Note to self: I am going to go back thru all my entries with this goal soon and update my goals and make them more clear for this next, new stage in my life.

It’s been two whole months since I started this goal, and one of the aspects of it that I really liked was an increased awareness of how I am progressing in life. It’s been only two months, and I feel like it has been so much longer. Life has changed a bit more than I have changed my life… but either way it is quite different!!

On Wednesday my boss told me that she is closing the restaurant I where I work in March. And she cut my hours to just weekends, saying that she needed to earn as much money as possible before closing…(and scheduled herself to wait tables on my three other night shifts). She said now that a Democrat was in office, she cannot afford to stay open. It was like she was sulking that her candidate didn’t win, it was bizarre behavior. But anyway, I knew she was bizarre and negative and Republican for as long as I have been there, but now it is time to move on. I need to find a new, full-time job. I think I am going to do something in an administrative capacity, as I have done before, with a stable 40 hrs/ week and hopefully health benefits. This scares me that I might just die of boredom in going back to corporate life, but it is just temporary for a while in order to be able to pay off my debt and support myself. Part of having a totally different life is being a different person. I want to have more integrity, more consistency. I want to have more self-discipline. I have gotten better since I have begun this goal. I am living in a new place now, and now need to find a new job. I guess I need to just trust my own ability to make the best choice for a new job, and not over think it.

It is such a wonderful feeling, that I don’t want to forget it.

I’m settling into my new little studio apartment, and I am so happy and productive today. I woke up at 9am, although it was accidentally, it’s amazing to be enjoying my day so much. I feel like I have so much to do, and excited about doing it all. I remember this time last year I was pretty depressed (as I have been for too much of my life), not wanting to leave my bed. Ever. My goal in life was to figure out how to stay in my bed as long as possible. And I did stay in bed a lot, but I was miserable, and not living a life that I was proud of. I could barley pay my rent, borrowed money from my parents, called in sick to work over and over, and went threw quitting job after job. My cable and internet were turned off because I couldn’t afford it, or keep a job. My car got repossessed. (One of the biggest mistakes, and most embarrassing things. ever.)

Just thinking about the place I was in last year is incredible. I now have my first own place. I have technology coming out my ears.. internet service on a new wireless card, a blackberry with my email attached, cable). I have a new (very used) car that has current registration, and insurance. And the best part is that I pay for it all myself, from money that I earn.

I still have a ton of things I want to achieve (getting into shape, paying off a mountain of debt)... but today I suddenly feel like I am on the road to achieving my dreams, even if I don’t know what they are yet. I have struggled with depression for so much of my life, that I am SO grateful for not having those feelings rule my life. It is like an accumulation of my 25 years of pain, and mistakes and trials have brought me to this exact moment I am in today. I am feeling a bit philosophical, obviously. I am excited about organizing my life and meeting new people. I am excited about figuring out the things that actually work for me, and learning how to put them into actions that last.

I am just so grateful, because of how far I have come in the past year, and I NEVER want to forget where I have been. It has been a long road this past year, but possibly the most dramatic one yet. And I have a feeling the coming one is only going to be better…:)

how life sometimes changes on it’s own? This past month has been really trying, and although I haven’t really worked on the exact goals that I specified for October, things are changing nonetheless. This month life just keeps happening, despite my planning of how things should go!

My laptop died, unfortunately, and my addiction to the site and my goals has been halted in the process. I might have it fixed tonight, if I can figure out how to install the new hard drive I bought, though that seems a pretty formidable task!

My living situation might be quickly, and unexpectedly changing due to a bunch of things that transpired (and are still unfolding) in the past few weeks. Although I am nervous, I could either be moving back in with my mom for a little while, or moving to a little tiny studio. Both are actually exciting, because I could save almost a $1000/month living with my mom, and put all of that to paying off my debt. Within about a year, I could be debt free! Or, I could be living in a nearby city that I never thought I would be… living in a studio apartment by myself and my cat, without a roommate for the first time ever!

I have somewhat changed my goals for how I want my life to be next year, and although I still have all of the mini goals that I previously stated. My main goal for next year, is to be actively paying off my debt, and back in college.

I have realized how much I miss learning, and being around educated people and the world of ideas. Also, I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and it’s never too late to go back to college (although I have felt it, a lot)

So, I am excited the way life is changing without me, but it hopefully will all be for the better!

I am excited for a new month, to “start fresh”, even though I know it’s a mental block that only exists in my mind! Nevertheless… I am tired, once again, of thinking of what I should be doing. I figure, that if I do what I think I should be doing for a significant period of time, if it’s not working out, I can change. The problem is, I never stick to what I plan on doing!! Ahhhhhh. So, next month I am going to work on doing what I know I should be doing. Even if I don’t want to. It’s time to grow up, perhaps.

• Wake up at 9am everyday (no matter what time I go to bed, no matter how tired I am, or excuses I tell myself!)
• Walk. Anywhere, as many mornings as I can. This is for my mental health, and because I need to lose weight!!
• Eat breakfast.
• Write every morning. Anything, but mostly concentrate on my new writing project and get some progress (plot outline done, and 45 pages written)
• De-clutter, and keep my physical environment clean, in order to promote clarity and progress.
• Save money, or rather spend as little as possible. I think I am going to hibernate for a month, and not go out or eat out as much as humanly possible. (Sub-goal: keep track of everything I spend and income, and work on a detailed budget)

Wish me luck! Errrr… I mean wish me self-discipline!

That in order to have a totally different life by this time next year, change has to take place each month. Seems logical enough. So, I am going to set mini goals…

• Continue keeping track of everything I spend.
• Continue to keep track of everything I earn
• Live frugally. Make a list of necessities/ things that I think are worth spending money on. Stop ending sentences in prepositions.
• Figure out a budget! Review Sept spending/earning, and categorize where my money is going!
• Cook more at home- spend food money on groceries instead of eating out!
• Decide whether I should get a second job. Realize I need to just man up and do it, even though I don’t want to and that I keep putting it off. Make a list of the kind of job I want, and begin a proactive search.

I need to move this goal to the top of my list. I had an okay day today, but just felt crappy by the afternoon and down. It just feels like I am going two steps forward and one step back. I am having more good days than bad lately, but I just crave progress, and sometimes it feels so slow I just think, “what’s the point?”. I worry about the little things, about money and bills, and it seems like I am worrying about the same things every month, without getting ahead in the bigger picture. Yet, I need to remember how far I have come, since last year, since last month. I am too hard on myself, and seem to fail to remember all that I have achieved in the past few years. I am thinking about going back to a counselor I talked to last year that seemed to give me productive things to think about and work on. Sometimes it is so helpful to have an unbiased opinion about yourself to get out of your own mind. Which is usually my biggest obstacle, unfortunately. Ugh.

We need to make this a ‘team’... but I don’t know how to do that? And maybe think of ideas to do together (ie writing ‘Where I am now’)...inspire each other. :)

• I work at a restaurant, in 6 hour shifts, averaging 25 hours per week.
• I have been working here in various amounts since May 07- a year an four months
• I have chosen this because it is the least possible effort (minimal hours per week, evenings, and low expectations), with the most enjoyment and money to sustain me.
• I made 1750 last month… after keeping track for the first time.
  Financial:
• On that note… I make enough currently to cover rent and utilities. And a new minimal car payment as of last month ($100) and car insurance ($50 per mo.) I don’t pay my phone bill(paid by my old boss who still owes me money). The rest goes to food, fun, and misc. Which is just barley enough to make me have luxuries.
• I have debt, waaay too much. Couple thousand credit, previous car debt, some medical. All in collections and I need more income to begin to pay this off.
  Health:
• I have quit smoking as of earlier this year, but smoke occasionally ( about five cigarettes a month)
• I am overweight (150?), and want to be down to 130ish.. not quite sure what it is but I know what it feels like!
• I don’t exercise regularly- occasional fits of walking only
• I am eating more fruits and veggies, and have manage to drink close to 2L of water per day. Down to almost no soda, and this year have been buying more natural and organics.
  Relationships:
• I am single
• Got out of a relationship of four months in July
• I am not ready for a relationship(obviously too much work to do on me!), but I am lonely occasionally for male companionship and overall intimacy(emotional as well as the obvious physical)
• My best friend is my roommate, beside my family (mom and brother), but I am craving better female friendships, like I have had in the past
  Education:
• I have taken few community college classes, but am not currently enrolled in any.

Where I want to be in 12 months…

• I want to be enrolled in college (anything) with a five year plan mapped out for my future career.
  Relationships:
• I want better female relationships, more variety of new friends and to maintain the current ones I have better (including old friends that are like family, that I take for granted!)
• I don’t know if I want of will be ready for a male relationship by next year.. I am not worried about it, or impatient. I simply want to be much closer to the person I want to be for the rest of my life. This will make me ready for a serious relationship/ marriage eventually.
  Health:
• I want to be exercising regularly (for emotional and spiritual health), as well as down to a weight I am comfortable with
• I want to be more toned, and using weights as well as cardio.
• I want to be eating heathier, more of the time than not. I know what this means, just not doing it.
• I want to buy as much organic and natural food as possible.
  Financial:
• Oh boy. I want to be significantly paying down all of my debt, and in payment plans with all debtors.
• I want to have a new job that stimulates me and challenges me, perhaps in a field closer to any of my passions (as opposed to any job just for the paycheck)
• I want to be making more money, no less than I am currently, so that I can have all that I do now, and pay down my debt, and have a little for what I consider my essential luxuries :)

Now… on to the ‘doing the work’ part!

I figure, that in order to have a completely different life by next year, I need to figure out where I’m at at this moment in time. It is different than where I was last month, or where I will be next month. And it is amazing how you forget. Forget where you want to be, forget how far you have come. So, my first plan of action is to write about where I am in the here and now, and work from there.